Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 1







97a: Sylvester Stallone / Jamiroquai

Oprah

Oprah Winfrey.....Tim Meadows
Marv Albert.....Norm MacDonald
Mike Tyson.....Tracy Morgan

Oprah Winfrey: Hi, welcome back! I hope everyone had a great summer, because I sure did - I lost 20 pounds! Thank you! And I gained 35. Oh, you stop it now! Now, today's show is another installment of the Oprah Book Club, and honey, we have a beautiful inspirational book that can teach us to be better people. It's the story of one man's struggle to rise from humble beginnings to national fame. The title is: "I'd Love To, But I Have A Game", by Marv Albert. He's here with us today, so please welcome Mr. Marv Albert!

[ Marv Albert walks out and sits down across from Oprah ]

So, Marv.. you wrote this book, and you're here to talk about it?

Marv Albert: Well, that's right, Oprah, and I'd really like to thank you for giving me this opportunity.

Oprah Winfrey: Well, forget about it, 'cause it ain't gonna happen! Now, let's talk about you and those choppers of yours - you likes to get freaky!

Marv Albert: Well.. yessss!

Oprah Winfrey: Now, honey, I hear you like to wear women's panties?

Marv Albert: Yessss!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm.. you even like to wear nipple clamps?

Marv Albert: Yessss!

Oprah Winfrey: Hmm.. you ever use an ass bracelet?

Marv Albert: Yessss... andddd.. it hurtssss!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm.. you go, girl! How about the Squirmy Rooter?

Marv Albert: Oh, my God, yessss!!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm, mmm, mmm.. I am scared of you, honey! Now, here's the difference between you and me, Marv - I like to eat baklava, babyback ribs, back bacon.. but you like to eat back.

Marv Albert: Yessss... anddd.. assss! [ pause ] But the biting incident for which I was arrested, Oprah, was a case of mistaken identity.

Oprah Winfrey: Now, whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Marv?

Marv Albert: Well, I did bite her.. but it was late, and it was dark, and I thought she was a.. pizza!

Oprah Winfrey: Mmm-hmm.. And when did you realize that she wasn't a pizza?

Marv Albert: Well, Oprah, to tell you the truth, usually when I eat pizza, I do not have a full erection!

Oprah Winfrey: Well, it sounds like a pretty reasonable excuse. We have a question from the audience? [ points ] Yes.

[ Mike Tyson stands in the front ]

Mike Tyson: Yes. I would just like to say that I love your show, Miss Oprah.

Marv Albert: Fellow back-biter Mike Tyson in the crowd!

Mike Tyson: And I believe that Marv was provoked into biting that woman. I believe that. Youre a pretty good guy.

Marv Albert: Yesss, it's true! The pizza head-butted me!

Oprah Winfrey: Okay, Marv.. now, what about this menage-a-trois business? I hear you like to get it on with a lady and another man.

Marv Albert: Well, I'm glad you brought that up, Oprah.. that is completely untrue, it was a very hurtful allegation. And the only thing that helped me through it was the support of my fiancee, Heather.. [ show Heather in the audience ] ..and our close family friend, Roddd.. [ show Rod in the audience, topless except for a bow tie ]

Oprah Winfrey: Yes.. well.. it is great to have the support of your fiancee..

Marv Albert: And it's great to have the support of Roddd!

Oprah Winfrey: Well.. Marv.. this may be your last chance to call a live broadcast. Is there anything you'd like to say?

Marv Albert: Absolutely! "Live.. from New York.. it'ssss.. Saturday Night!"


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