Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

The Golords

Mike Golord.....Will Ferrell
Sissy Golord.....Ana Gasteyer
Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond
Fake Bill Clinton
Madame Wong
Chung's Hitman

[Opens with the Seal of the President of the United States. Bill Clinton is addressing the nation from the Oval Office]

Announcer: And now a message from the President of the United States.

President Bill Clinton: My fellow Americans. Lately this administration has come under attack for accepting campaign contributions from foreigners. I'm here to say there's no truth behind this allegations and furthermore my....

[Helicopter roars, two guys storm through the windows behind Clinton and open machine gunfire in all directions]

President Bill Clinton: HOLY...!!!

[They hook Clinton up and helicopter carries him out of the Oval Office along with the two gunmen]


From a secret sattelite,
comes a gang that's outta sight.
Captain Golord and his team,
they will fight out evil schemes,
helping save the earth below,
they are always on the go!

[Montage of the Golord's adventures. Sattelite in space,confronting bad guys, knocking down doors, Doc on the phone in the lab, flying through space in their space mobile]


Announcer: The Golords.

[Sattelite in space, cut into it. Mike and Sissy in their blue uniforms are sittting down while Doc in his lab coat and big glasses read a printout message]

Doc: Mike, Sissy, we're getting an emergency message. Our sources have located the President!

Sissy: Where's he at, Doc?

Doc: It says here that the culprits are holding the President in a brothel outside of Hong Kong.

[Mike is watching a Penthouse centerfold]

Mike: Let's go!

[Caption: Hong Kong. Oriental music. City at night. Mike and Sissy are in front of a whorehouse, door opens]

Madame Wong: Welcome to Madame Wong's whorehouse! Mike Golord? Back so soon?

Mike:[Speaks chinese. Subtitled:Madame Wong, this is my sister, so be cool with the "Mike Golord" stuff.]Hello, stranger. Have you seen this man around here?

[Holds up photo of Bill Clinton]

Madame Wong: Uh, how about a quicky?

Mike: Sissy, wait here. I think Madame Wong may know something.

[Madame Wong and Mike walk into a red lighted room, door closes. Door opens in one second, Madame Wong is naked on the bed, Mike walks out]

Mike: Thanks, Wong.

Sissy: What did you find out Mike?

Mike: Not a thing. Let's go to another whorehouse.

[Madame Wong attacks Mike with a knife]

Sissy: Mike, look out!

[Bang! bang!, bang! bang! Sissy shoots Madame Wong in the face 4 times]

Mike: Thanks, Sissy. That was close. Let's take a look around the rest of this place.

[Bang! Sissy shoots Wong one more time just to be sure.]

[Cut to President Clinton tied to a chair in a warehouse. Chung and his hitman are next to Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: I'll tell you what. When my goverment hear about this there's gonna be hell to pay.

Chung: Silence!

[Slaps Clinton in the face]

President Bill Clinton: [whimpering] Don't hit me!

Chung's Hitman: Silence!

[Another slap in the face of Clinton]

President Bill Clinton: The security codes are Delta, Alpha, Zebra....

Chung: Please, shut up. We are not interested in codes. Our top genetics scientists have been working around the clock to perfect this, our own President Bill Clinton.

[Chung takes hood off another guy tied to a chair that looks just like Clinton only that the white hair is uncombed]

President Bill Clinton: He looks just like me!

Fake Bill Clinton: I build bridges to 21st century.

Chung: It's perfect. We don't need to make campaign contributions any longer. Now our President will make a new American policy and no one can stop us!

[Mike and Sissy burst through the door]

Mike: Hold it right there, Chung!

Sissy: Two completely identical Presidents. How can we tell them apart?

President Bill Clinton: It's me!!

Fake Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm the guy!

Sissy: What do we do, Mike?

Mike: I've got it!

[Shows fake Bill Clinton a photo of Paula Jones]

Mike: Do you find this lady sexy?

Fake Bill Clinton: Oh, no. She not sexy. She make me sick.[throws up]

President Bill Clinton: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah![His horniness makes his head spin wildly]

Mike: Suck on this!

[Mike shoots fake Bill Clinton in the forehead. His brains splash into the wall]

Chung: Stop them!

Sissy: Hyah! Take that!

[Sissy punches Chung's hitman in the chest and rips out his still beating heart]

President Bill Clinton: Good Lord!

Sissy: Put this in your pipe and smoke it!

[Sissy knife in hand goes over to Chung and chops his head clean off, head rolls around on the floor]

[Back in the Oval Office]

President Bill Clinton: This country owes you Golords a great debt that can never be repaid.

Mike: No need Mr. President. I just hope you've learned taking illegal contributions from foreigners is dangerous. It's more safer and patriotic to let American corporations to buy off our politicians.

[Bill Clinton fondles Sissy's right breast]

President Bill Clinton: I couldn't agree more. That is why tomorrow I'm gonna get started on tough new campaign finance reform.

[Dishonest giggling from Clinton, Mike and Sissy join in the giggling]

Announcer: GOLORDS!! GOLORDS!! GOOOO!!!!

The Golords logo.

[Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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