Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2







97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell
John Travolta.....Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds.....Norm MacDonald
Michael Keaton.....Matthew Perry

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. And let's take a look at the scores. John Travolta has -$2,000. In a close second with -$1,900 is Michael Keaton. [ Keaton is doing several facial expressions. ] And in first place, with $0, is our returning champion Burt Reynolds, who, of course, has yet to ring in. It's time now for Double Jeopardy. And once again for this round contestants, I'd like to remind you, please, no cursing. Let's take a look at the board. The categories are: "Continents"; "Theater"; "Potpourri"; "Potent Potables"; "Numbers"; "Words That Rhyme With Dog"; and finally, "The Renaissance." And you know what, let's just replace that last category with "Shapes." [ Tile saying "The Renaissance" is flipped over to reveal "Shapes." ] Burt Reynolds, you pick the category.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, give me, ah, Theater for $10,000.

Alex Trebek: Theater for $600. The answer is: This play by William Shakespeare was about a merchant who lived in Venice. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that was "Footloose". [ nods ] Good flick, "Footloose".

Alex Trebek: No. And please answer in the form of a question. [ Travolta buzzes in. ] John Travolta.

John Travolta: Is this a horror flick we're talking about? 'Cause I love horror flicks.

Alex Trebek: It's.. it's not a flick at all.

John Travolta: Okay. "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"

Alex Trebek: No. And please answer in the form of a question. John Travolta: That was a question! Who framed him? [ Keaton buzzes in. ]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Keaton. [ Keaton just does facial expressions. ] Mr. Keaton. [ The buzzer sounds. ] I.. I don't think we can accept facial expressions as an answer. Mr. Reynolds, it's your board, pick a category.

Burt Reynolds: I'll take the dog one.

Alex Trebek: All right, Words That Rhyme With Dog, for $400. And the answer is: It's been a "Hard Day's Night" I should be sleeping like a "This." [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Chinese whore.

Alex Trebek: No. [ Travolta buzzes in. ] John Travolta.

John Travolta: Chinese whore doesn't rhyme with dog.

Alex Trebek: That's why it was a wrong answer. [ Keaton buzzes in. ] Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: I'm Batman.

Alex Trebek: No, you are not. And the board still belongs.. [ Reynolds buzzes in several times. ] What, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: I think, ah, I think my buzzer's broken.

Alex Trebek: No, it's not, you just buzzed in.

Burt Reynolds: No I didn't. [ buzzes in several more times. ] I think it.. I think it's broken.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Travolta, why don't you pick a category.
John Travolta: Continents for $600.

Alex Trebek: And it's the Audio Daily Double. How much do you want to wager?

John Travolta: I'm gonna play it safe. I'll wager $0.

Alex Trebek: All right, for $0. Here's your Audio Daily Double clue: Name this continent. [ A voice says "Asia." Travolta doesn't answer. ] Mr. Travolta. [ The voice says "Asia" again. The buzzer sounds. ] Time has run out. The answer was "Asia." [ Reynolds pats Travolta on the back. ]

Burt Reynolds: Ah, tough luck there buddy, huh?

Alex Trebek: Okay, moving on. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] What is it, Mr. Reynolds?

Burt Reynolds: [ points at Travolta ] Check out this guy's back.

John Travolta: What? [ turns around to reveal a "Kick Me" sign. ]

Alex Trebek: That's nice, you put a "Kick Me" sign on Mr. Travolta's back.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, ha-ha.

John Travolta: Oh that's, that's good.

Burt Reynolds: I did it when he.. I did it when he wasn't looking.

Alex Trebek: That's very nice. Good job, Burt. Tell you what, we're gonna let Michael Keaton pick a category.

Michael Keaton: All right, um, Number. See, because sometimes it helps to understand a word if we break it down. Let's do that now, shall we? Numb, see, if you're numb, you can't feel. [ pauses for a second ] See, yeah if you're numb you can't feel. And then Ber..

Alex Trebek: Numbers for $800. And the answer is: This number comes between five and seven. [ Keaton buzzes in. ] Mr. Keaton.

Michael Keaton: ..See and then Ber, if you're, you know if you're cold, that's the sound that you would make. I guess I, I guess my answer will be uh, somebody who can't feel that they're, uh, that they're cold.

Alex Trebek: No.

Michael Keaton: What is somebody who can't feel when they're cold?

Alex Trebek: No, no Mr. Keaton, I know what you're trying to do. Just stop. [ Reynolds buzzes in. ] Mr. Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I think I fixed it. My buzzer, I think I fixed it. [ buzzes in repeatedly ]

Alex Trebek: I see. You know what, let's just move on to Final Jeopardy with every player in negative numbers. And the category is...you know what, this is way too hard, I'm just gonna make one up. How about your favorite food? Just write down whatever food you personally like most, any food you like to eat. [ music starts ] Your favorite food. [ Keaton walks over to Reynolds's podium ] Keep in mind you can't be wrong. You can even lie to me and just put down a food. [ music stops ] Okay, and put down your pens. Mr. Travolta, let's see what you put. Your favorite food is.. [ shows his screen ] Miso. A type of soup, excellent! And your wager.. [ shows his wager ] Horny. Me, so horny. [ Travolta laughs. ] Great.

John Travolta: Come on, that's hilarious! Come on!

Alex Trebek: No, it's not. Now, let's look at Mr. Reynolds's answer. [ shows his screen ] Check out Keaton's back. [ Keaton turns around to reveal the "Kick Me" sign. ]

Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha!

Alex Trebek: Right. Very funny.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, he didn't know it was on there.

Alex Trebek: Shut up. Just shut up. Let's see what Mr. Keaton came up with. You wrote.. [ shows his screen ] Val Kilmer sucks.

Michael Keaton: I'm Batman.

Alex Trebek: Okay, and your wager.. [ shows his wager ] George Clooney sucks. Well, no one won, apparently.

Burt Reynolds: I won.

Alex Trebek: No, you didn't.

Burt Reynolds: Sure, I did.

Alex Trebek: Anyway. That's it for Celebrity Jeopardy. Once again, no money will be given to charity.

Burt Reynolds: Seriously, I did win.

Alex Trebek: No, you didn't.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I did.

[ fade out ]


Submitted by: GohanDZ


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