Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 2

97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Spartan Cheerleaders

Craig.....Will Ferrell
Arianna.....Cheri Oteri

Craig: I think its over here, I cant find it.

Arianna: Get the light. Ow, my foot.

Craig: Oh, I found the switch, I found the switch.

Arianna: Turn it on, turn it on.

Craig: Oh, ok, great.

(They sit down on bench)

Arianna: Oh my God, Craig, do you realize that tryouts are in seven hours?

Craig: Yes.

Arianna: I cant believe we snuck into the gym to practice our cheers!

Craig: Yea!

Arianna: How did you learn to jimmy a door?

Craig: Where else? McGyver. I used my retainer and a small piece of twine.

Arianna: Good work. You wanna kick it?

Craig: Lets do it.

Arianna: Ok.

(They stand up and cheer)

Spartan check up.
Take a chance
Drop your pants
Pee in the cup.

Doctor Spartans in the house
And he will fix you up.
Break it down now.

Spartan fever
Take it off.
Fever's rising.
Time to cough.

(Arianna grabs Craigs crotch.)

(Arianna sits on Craigs foot. Craig turns in circles.)

Craig: Whos that Spartan clinging on to me?

Arianna: Its me, its me!

Craig: I said whos that Spartan clinging on to me?

Arianna: Its me, its me!

Uh huhuh huh uh huh, uh huh, uh huh
Respect peoples personal space! Wooo!

(Two Jumps)

Craig: Oh my God, Arianna, can you believe summer's over already?

Arianna: I know, Craig. I already miss my summer job at Kenny Rogers Rosters. Im still getting the news letter though.

Craig: Yea, well Im glad my life guarding job is over. I did not enjoy taking off my shirt.

Arianna: Nah, nah Greg, tomorrow morning we are going to be real Spartan cheerleaders!

Craig: This has got to be our year. It was an awesome idea to practice all night.

Arianna: Yea, and my parents will never know Im gone. I put my brothers blow up doll underneath my sheets.

Craig: Oh, oh, the one that looks like a really surprised Sheena Easton?

Arianna: Yea. (makes face with an O)

Arianna: Craig, read me your top three goals for this school year and Ill read you mine. Ok?

Craig: Ok, number three dont respond when people say I wish you were dead.

Arianna: Good one.

Craig: Uh, number two develop my calf muscles.

Arianna: Ok.

Craig: Number one, make the Spartan squad.

Arianna: Oh my God, Craig, I almost just cried. My turn.

Craig: Ok.

Arianna: Mmm, my paper smells like strawberries.

Craig: Oh it does!

Arianna: Ok, number three wean myself off my sports bra. Its time - my mom said.

Craig: Yea, it is, it is.

Arianna: Number two remember that extra strength pampren is a drug, not a candy.

Craig: Right, right.

Arianna: And number one make the Spartan squad.

(They hug)

Arianna: Craig!

Craig: Im getting so wired!

Arianna: Well maybe its because weve had nine cups of coffee within an hour.

Craig: And, were coffee virgins.

Arianna: Craig, I am so buzzed. I feel like Keith Richards, and I like it.

Craig: Im just coo coo for coffee.

Arianna: Say what? Cheer voice

(They stand up and cheer)

A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?
A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?

His beans they come from Columbia way
He rides on his funky donkey everyday

A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?
A wanna wanna Juan Veldez
Say what?

Were on a caffeine high
So hold on tight
Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Erin Illian

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