97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,
in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I'm Norm Macdonald.
Now, the fake news. Our top story tonight:
Yesterday, just yesterday, in a letter to Congress,
Attorney General Janet Reno absolved President Clinton
of almost all charges of campaign finance reform.
According to Reno, there is no evidence he misused his
office to raise money, improperly allowed contributors
to stay overnight at the White House, or sought
contributions in exchange for political favors. You
know, it's hard for me to believe this but, for Janet
Reno to send this letter, I guess it must be true: the
President's sleeping with her, too. It's ...
[scattered applause] It's beyond comprehension
Earlier today, some six hundred thousand members of
the Promise Keepers, the evangelical men's group,
convened in Washington, D. C. for a day of prayer and
repentance. Oh, no! I - I promised to go to that
thing! And I forgot! DAMN IT TO HELL! ... It's my
wife's fault! She didn't remind me, that dirty--! ...
More bad news for O. J. Simpson. This week, a Los
Angeles court ordered him to turn over his Heisman
Trophy to the Goldman family. In addition, the same
court may order Simpson to surrender a coffee mug
inscribed, "World's Greatest Husband" ...
A new development in the Marv Albert story. This week,
his accuser, Vanessa Perhatch, [photo of Perhatch
appears] decided to go public, allowing news agencies
to print her name and picture. Following the
publications of the photograph, legal experts were
left wondering -- who was the real
victim? ... [cheers and applause, Norm jerks a
thumb at the photo] Not easy on the eye! ...
In a recent interview on the subject of parenting,
Jane Fonda admitted that it wasn't easy to talk to her
children about sex. But she felt it was necessary
because she did not want them to learn about sex the
way that she did -- by reading North Vietnamese
propaganda pamphlets. ... We're not gonna forget that
-- Hanoi Jane! ...
It was a bad week for the restaurant chain Hooters.
The company has been forced to pay 3.75 million
dollars to settle a sex discrimination suit brought by
male job applicants who claim that its policy of
hiring only women is unfair. The settlement was hailed
as a landmark case -- for guys who try to ruin
everything. ... [cheers and applause] You don't wanna
go to Hooters and a dude shows up at your table,
Action star Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedly
planning to appear in an upcoming production of the
Broadway musical "The King and I." Schwarzenegger says
that, in contrast to other actors' portrayals of the
King of Siam, his will be really, really
Also in entertainment, the play "Hiroshima," a tribute
to the victims of the first atomic bomb, with music
and singing by Yoko Ono, opened in New York City this
week. One tearful Japanese survivor of the attack who
attended the premiere called the play, quote, "the
most horrifying experience of my life"! ... [applause]
And in entertainment news, Ellen DeGeneres and lover
Anne Heche have announced that they want to have a
baby. However, their plan has hit a snag. They are
both women! ... [applause] It's - It is not
possible to - have a child.
Well, Bart, the eighteen hundred pound bear who
co-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in the
movie "The Edge," reportedly earns a whopping ten
thousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A small
amount of the grizzly's income goes toward the
preservation of bears' natural habitat. Bart spends
the remaining money on bear whores and cocaine.
And, on a happier note, in Massachusetts, the 119-acre
Dunn Pond State Park has the state's first nature
trail designed for the handicapped. Along the trail,
you will find a rich variety of birds, lizards and
insects -- all of them handicapped. So ... It's
not really a very good trail, y'know? ...
And, next summer in Battle Creek, Michigan, Kellogg's
will open Cereal City, a new, eighteen million dollar
theme park. [pulls tape recorder from pocket,
activates it and speaks into it] Note to self: start
buying upland next to cereal theme park - then open
milk theme park ... And watch the money roll
in! ... [shuts off recorder and pockets it with a
smug grin] ...
[Photo of midget with oversized head resembling
actor/comedian Eddie Murphy] Well, finally, the
Guinness Book of World Records announced this week
that Gul Mohammed of New Delhi, at 22.8 inches tall,
is the shortest man in the world -- to have Eddie
Murphy's head. ... [applause]
And that's it, folks. Thanks a lot.
[Music. Cheers and more applause.