Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 2








97b: Matthew Perry / Oasis

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. I'm Norm Macdonald. Now, the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Yesterday, just yesterday, in a letter to Congress, Attorney General Janet Reno absolved President Clinton of almost all charges of campaign finance reform. According to Reno, there is no evidence he misused his office to raise money, improperly allowed contributors to stay overnight at the White House, or sought contributions in exchange for political favors. You know, it's hard for me to believe this but, for Janet Reno to send this letter, I guess it must be true: the President's sleeping with her, too. It's ... [scattered applause] It's beyond comprehension but--

Earlier today, some six hundred thousand members of the Promise Keepers, the evangelical men's group, convened in Washington, D. C. for a day of prayer and repentance. Oh, no! I - I promised to go to that thing! And I forgot! DAMN IT TO HELL! ... It's my wife's fault! She didn't remind me, that dirty--! ... Oh, well.

More bad news for O. J. Simpson. This week, a Los Angeles court ordered him to turn over his Heisman Trophy to the Goldman family. In addition, the same court may order Simpson to surrender a coffee mug inscribed, "World's Greatest Husband" ...

A new development in the Marv Albert story. This week, his accuser, Vanessa Perhatch, [photo of Perhatch appears] decided to go public, allowing news agencies to print her name and picture. Following the publications of the photograph, legal experts were left wondering -- who was the real victim? ... [cheers and applause, Norm jerks a thumb at the photo] Not easy on the eye! ...

In a recent interview on the subject of parenting, Jane Fonda admitted that it wasn't easy to talk to her children about sex. But she felt it was necessary because she did not want them to learn about sex the way that she did -- by reading North Vietnamese propaganda pamphlets. ... We're not gonna forget that -- Hanoi Jane! ...

It was a bad week for the restaurant chain Hooters. The company has been forced to pay 3.75 million dollars to settle a sex discrimination suit brought by male job applicants who claim that its policy of hiring only women is unfair. The settlement was hailed as a landmark case -- for guys who try to ruin everything. ... [cheers and applause] You don't wanna go to Hooters and a dude shows up at your table, y'know? ...

Action star Arnold Schwarzenegger is reportedly planning to appear in an upcoming production of the Broadway musical "The King and I." Schwarzenegger says that, in contrast to other actors' portrayals of the King of Siam, his will be really, really horrible. ...

Also in entertainment, the play "Hiroshima," a tribute to the victims of the first atomic bomb, with music and singing by Yoko Ono, opened in New York City this week. One tearful Japanese survivor of the attack who attended the premiere called the play, quote, "the most horrifying experience of my life"! ... [applause]

And in entertainment news, Ellen DeGeneres and lover Anne Heche have announced that they want to have a baby. However, their plan has hit a snag. They are both women! ... [applause] It's - It is not possible to - have a child.

Well, Bart, the eighteen hundred pound bear who co-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in the movie "The Edge," reportedly earns a whopping ten thousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A small amount of the grizzly's income goes toward the preservation of bears' natural habitat. Bart spends the remaining money on bear whores and cocaine. ...

And, on a happier note, in Massachusetts, the 119-acre Dunn Pond State Park has the state's first nature trail designed for the handicapped. Along the trail, you will find a rich variety of birds, lizards and insects -- all of them handicapped. So ... It's not really a very good trail, y'know? ...

And, next summer in Battle Creek, Michigan, Kellogg's will open Cereal City, a new, eighteen million dollar theme park. [pulls tape recorder from pocket, activates it and speaks into it] Note to self: start buying upland next to cereal theme park - then open milk theme park ... And watch the money roll in! ... [shuts off recorder and pockets it with a smug grin] ...

[Photo of midget with oversized head resembling actor/comedian Eddie Murphy] Well, finally, the Guinness Book of World Records announced this week that Gul Mohammed of New Delhi, at 22.8 inches tall, is the shortest man in the world -- to have Eddie Murphy's head. ... [applause]

And that's it, folks. Thanks a lot.

[Music. Cheers and more applause. Fade.]


Submitted Anonymously


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