Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 3

97c: Brendan Fraser / Bjork

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

... Norm MacDonald
Harry Caray ... Will Ferrell


Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: I'm Norm Macdonald. Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

Does President Clinton have a bent penis? ... Well, according to a doctor who examined him last week, the President's genitals are, quote, "completely, one hundred per cent normal." It should be noted however that the doctor who examined him also has a bent penis. ... That may color his findings a little.

While this controversy raged, the president himself was on a state trip to South America where he met with various leaders and repeatedly stressed his strong ties to the region. Finally, asked to elaborate on these ties, Clinton replied, "Are you kidding me? My - my brother Roger was a huge coke dealer!" ... [a few groans]

As his last stop on the trip, the president met in Buenos Aires Thursday with Argentinian president Carlos Menem. During a meeting, Clinton asked Menem to continue with economic reform and protect democratic freedoms. Menem, in turn, asked Clinton to show him his bent penis. ...

According to a new survey by the Women's Vote Project, women would be more likely to vote if they could send in ballots by mail or if polls were open longer. Also, more women would vote if you were permitted to bake your vote. ... They like to bake. ...

Rejecting conspiracy theories that President Clinton killed Vince Foster, a report out this week from independent counsel Kenneth Starr has officially concluded that Vince Foster took his own life. Among other things, the report cites evidence that Foster was deeply depressed in the days leading up to his death. Although the report does concede Foster was deeply depressed because President Clinton was trying to murder him. ...

Visitors to Yellowstone National Park are being advised to carry pepper spray to defend themselves against bears. According to park officials, pepper spray is inexpensive and it is far more effective against bears than their first idea which was, uh, honey spray. ... That ... that didn't work out at all. That worked-- was completely counter to the--

Sources in Hollywood ... report the on-again, off-again relationship between actor Johnny Depp and supermodel Kate Moss is on again and that Depp and Moss are now engaged. According to her friends, Moss is so excited, she hasn't eaten a thing in twenty-three years. ...

In other entertainment news, a religious group in Chile is trying to ban a new Claudia Schiffer film which features explicit lesbian sex scenes. According to the group, sex between two women is an abomination before God, almost as blasphemous as sex between a woman and David Copperfield. [Photo of Schiffer's fiancee, magician David Copperfield] ... I don't know which is worse, which is more of an abomination.

Norm MacDonald: Well, the 1997 World Series began tonight with the Marlins beating the Indians seven to four. Joining us on Weekend Update with an analysis of each team is a baseball legend and a dear, dear friend. Please welcome Hall of Fame broadcaster Harry Caray. Hey, Har'.

Harry Caray: [cheers and applause for the shaky, white-haired, squinty, bespectacled old man] Thanks, Norm! Hi, everybody! Harry Caray here! I gotta tell ya, folks, it looks like we've got a very exciting World Series on our hands. ... The American League is represented by the Cleveland Indians and, for the National League, the Florida Marlins. It sure is exciting, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: Yeah, well, it certainly - certainly is, Harry. Now, who do you like in the Series?

Harry Caray: It's tough to say, Norm. On one hand, you've got the Marlins. Now, that's an odd mascot, a marlin.

Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is.

Harry Caray: Of course, pound for pound, it's the smartest fish in the ocean. With its sword-like snout, it'll carve your eye out and not think twice about it. ... Norm, to this day, if I walk into a seafood restaurant and I see a marlin on the wall, I just grab my wife and leave! ...

Norm MacDonald: Is that a fact, huh?

Harry Caray: Of course, on the other hand, you have the Indians -- a group of untrustworthy savages! ... [Norm nods in agreement] You look away, next thing you know, they steal your land! ...

Norm MacDonald: Yup. That's true. Well, Harry, you're talkin' a lot about the mascots. Now, what about the players?

Harry Caray: They won't be a factor! Trust me! ... Hey, Norm! You ever been alone in a room face to face with a marlin?

Norm MacDonald: No. Nope.

Harry Caray: No matter where you go in the room, its eye follows your every move. ... You should try it some time. It's a rush! ... I should know -- I used to hunt them.

Norm MacDonald: Really? You - you hunted marlins, huh?

Harry Caray: No. Indians. ... I've got a whole closet full of scalps at home. ... They're just collecting dust. The government stopped buying them years ago. ... Hey, Norm! Ya interested in buyin' a scalp?

Norm MacDonald: Well, I mean, I guess--

Harry Caray: It's a simple "yes or no" question! ...

Norm MacDonald: Well, what does this have to do with the World Series, Har'?

Harry Caray: This sale isn't gonna make or break me, Norm, so don't jerk me around! ... Do you want to buy a scalp or not?

Norm MacDonald: No. I don't. No.

Harry Caray: Fine. [hands Norm a business card] Just take my card and give me a call when you want to get serious.

Norm MacDonald: Oh. Okay. Thanks. [pockets card]

Harry Caray: [puts a booklet on the desk] And - and peruse through this when you get a chance.

Norm MacDonald: Wh - what's that?

Harry Caray: A catalogue of all the scalps available. ... [pushes it over to Norm]

Norm MacDonald: Good Lord!

Harry Caray: I got all of them -- Apache to Zuni!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, well. You got - got any Mohawk in there?

Harry Caray: [scoffs] Oh, Norm! If I had a Mohawk scalp, I wouldn't be sittin' here talkin' to you. ... I'd be relaxing on a tropical island. ...

Norm MacDonald: Why is that?

Harry Caray: 'Cause they're highly valuable. ...

Norm MacDonald: All right. Well, thanks for stoppin' by.

Harry Caray: [scoffs] Mohawk! You can't find one!

Norm MacDonald: No?

Harry Caray: No.

Norm MacDonald: Harry Caray, everybody!

Harry Caray: [exits, over cheers and applause] Cubs win! Cubs win!

Norm MacDonald: [highly amused, Norm must pause to collect himself before continuing] Exotic dancers say a city ordinance requiring them to keep four feet away from their customers will put them out of business in Shoreline, Washington -- or, as I now refer to it, Nazi Germany! ... Quite a world we live in.

And, in Oklahoma, prison officials are considering an interactive video system for parole board hearings, which would eliminate the need for inmates to travel to hearings from prison. Inmates say they will go along with the video idea but they will not rule out raping the camera guy. ... [not too many laughs]

And, in Idaho, a five million dollar project to fix cracks in the Dworshak Dam has been a huge success, according to officials from the Army Corps of Engineers. However, the dam could easily have been fixed at a far more reasonable price tag, according to this beaver. [Norm jerks his thumb at a photo of a beaver] ... [not too many laughs - a lone person in the crowd claps slowly and mockingly] They'll have to agree to disagree.

Finally, the Rolling Stones are back on tour again and Keith Richards says that he is thrilled to still be doing what he's been doing for twenty-five years -- cheating death! ...

[Cheers and applause as Norm nods politely into the camera and removes microphone from necktie] That's the news. [glances off screen as if annoyed about something]


Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts