97c: Brendan Fraser / Bjork
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
... Norm MacDonald
Harry Caray ... Will Ferrell
[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,
in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: I'm Norm Macdonald. Now the
fake news. Our top story tonight:
Does President Clinton have a bent penis? ... Well,
according to a doctor who examined him last week, the
President's genitals are, quote, "completely, one
hundred per cent normal." It should be noted however
that the doctor who examined him also has a bent
penis. ... That may color his findings a
While this controversy raged, the president himself
was on a state trip to South America where he met with
various leaders and repeatedly stressed his strong
ties to the region. Finally, asked to elaborate on
these ties, Clinton replied, "Are you kidding me? My -
my brother Roger was a huge coke dealer!" ... [a few
As his last stop on the trip, the president met in
Buenos Aires Thursday with Argentinian president
Carlos Menem. During a meeting, Clinton asked Menem to
continue with economic reform and protect democratic
freedoms. Menem, in turn, asked Clinton to show him
his bent penis. ...
According to a new survey by the Women's Vote Project,
women would be more likely to vote if they could send
in ballots by mail or if polls were open longer. Also,
more women would vote if you were permitted to
bake your vote. ... They like to bake. ...
Rejecting conspiracy theories that President Clinton
killed Vince Foster, a report out this week from
independent counsel Kenneth Starr has officially
concluded that Vince Foster took his own life. Among
other things, the report cites evidence that Foster
was deeply depressed in the days leading up to his
death. Although the report does concede Foster was
deeply depressed because President Clinton was trying
to murder him. ...
Visitors to Yellowstone National Park are being
advised to carry pepper spray to defend themselves
against bears. According to park officials, pepper
spray is inexpensive and it is far more effective
against bears than their first idea which was, uh,
honey spray. ... That ... that didn't work out at all.
That worked-- was completely counter to the--
Sources in Hollywood ... report the on-again,
off-again relationship between actor Johnny Depp and
supermodel Kate Moss is on again and that Depp and
Moss are now engaged. According to her friends, Moss
is so excited, she hasn't eaten a thing in
twenty-three years. ...
In other entertainment news, a religious group in
Chile is trying to ban a new Claudia Schiffer film
which features explicit lesbian sex scenes. According
to the group, sex between two women is an abomination
before God, almost as blasphemous as sex between a
woman and David Copperfield. [Photo of Schiffer's
fiancee, magician David Copperfield] ... I don't know
which is worse, which is more of an
Norm MacDonald: Well, the 1997 World Series
began tonight with the Marlins beating the Indians
seven to four. Joining us on Weekend Update with an
analysis of each team is a baseball legend and a dear,
dear friend. Please welcome Hall of Fame broadcaster
Harry Caray. Hey, Har'.
Harry Caray: [cheers and applause for the
shaky, white-haired, squinty, bespectacled old man]
Thanks, Norm! Hi, everybody! Harry Caray here! I gotta
tell ya, folks, it looks like we've got a very
exciting World Series on our hands. ... The American
League is represented by the Cleveland Indians and,
for the National League, the Florida Marlins. It sure
is exciting, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: Yeah, well, it certainly -
certainly is, Harry. Now, who do you like in the
Harry Caray: It's tough to say, Norm. On one
hand, you've got the Marlins. Now, that's an
odd mascot, a marlin.
Norm MacDonald: Yeah. Yeah, I guess it
Harry Caray: Of course, pound for pound, it's
the smartest fish in the ocean. With its sword-like
snout, it'll carve your eye out and not think twice
about it. ... Norm, to this day, if I walk into a
seafood restaurant and I see a marlin on the wall, I
just grab my wife and leave! ...
Norm MacDonald: Is that a fact, huh?
Harry Caray: Of course, on the other hand, you
have the Indians -- a group of untrustworthy savages!
... [Norm nods in agreement] You look away, next thing
you know, they steal your land! ...
Norm MacDonald: Yup. That's true. Well, Harry,
you're talkin' a lot about the mascots. Now, what
about the players?
Harry Caray: They won't be a factor! Trust me!
... Hey, Norm! You ever been alone in a room face to
face with a marlin?
Norm MacDonald: No. Nope.
Harry Caray: No matter where you go in the
room, its eye follows your every move. ... You should
try it some time. It's a rush! ... I should
know -- I used to hunt them.
Norm MacDonald: Really? You - you hunted
Harry Caray: No. Indians. ... I've got a whole
closet full of scalps at home. ... They're just
collecting dust. The government stopped buying them
years ago. ... Hey, Norm! Ya interested in buyin' a
Norm MacDonald: Well, I mean, I guess--
Harry Caray: It's a simple "yes or no"
Norm MacDonald: Well, what does this have to do
with the World Series, Har'?
Harry Caray: This sale isn't gonna make or
break me, Norm, so don't jerk me around! ... Do you
want to buy a scalp or not?
Norm MacDonald: No. I don't. No.
Harry Caray: Fine. [hands Norm a business card]
Just take my card and give me a call when you want to
Norm MacDonald: Oh. Okay. Thanks. [pockets
Harry Caray: [puts a booklet on the desk] And -
and peruse through this when you get a chance.
Norm MacDonald: Wh - what's that?
Harry Caray: A catalogue of all the scalps
available. ... [pushes it over to Norm]
Norm MacDonald: Good Lord!
Harry Caray: I got all of them -- Apache to
Norm MacDonald: Oh, well. You got - got any
Mohawk in there?
Harry Caray: [scoffs] Oh, Norm! If I had a
Mohawk scalp, I wouldn't be sittin' here talkin' to
you. ... I'd be relaxing on a tropical island.
Norm MacDonald: Why is that?
Harry Caray: 'Cause they're highly valuable.
Norm MacDonald: All right. Well, thanks for
Harry Caray: [scoffs] Mohawk! You can't find
Norm MacDonald: No?
Harry Caray: No.
Norm MacDonald: Harry Caray, everybody!
Harry Caray: [exits, over cheers and applause]
Cubs win! Cubs win!
Norm MacDonald: [highly amused, Norm must pause
to collect himself before continuing] Exotic dancers
say a city ordinance requiring them to keep four feet
away from their customers will put them out of
business in Shoreline, Washington -- or, as I now
refer to it, Nazi Germany! ... Quite a world we
And, in Oklahoma, prison officials are considering an
interactive video system for parole board hearings,
which would eliminate the need for inmates to travel
to hearings from prison. Inmates say they will go
along with the video idea but they will not rule out
raping the camera guy. ... [not too many
And, in Idaho, a five million dollar project to fix
cracks in the Dworshak Dam has been a huge success,
according to officials from the Army Corps of
Engineers. However, the dam could easily have been
fixed at a far more reasonable price tag, according to
this beaver. [Norm jerks his thumb at a photo of a
beaver] ... [not too many laughs - a lone person in
the crowd claps slowly and mockingly] They'll have to
agree to disagree.
Finally, the Rolling Stones are back on tour again and
Keith Richards says that he is thrilled to still be
doing what he's been doing for twenty-five years --
cheating death! ...
[Cheers and applause as Norm nods politely into the
camera and removes microphone from necktie] That's the
news. [glances off screen as if annoyed about
[Music. Dissolve to GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM