97d: Chris Farley / The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Announcer: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!
Norm MacDonald: I'm Norm MacDonald, and this is the fake news.
Tomorrow, Chinese Prime Minister Zhang Ze-min begins a weeklong visit that could define U.S. relations with China for years to come. President Clinton plans to ask Zhang for several things, including human rights reform, trade expansion, and a Chinese herb said to have the power to straighten a bent penis.
Well, it's official. Sportscaster Marv Albert, convicted last month on assault and battery charges, will serve no jail time. [ pic of Patricia Masten ] But the big story was outside of the courthouse, where the second accuser from his trial, Patricia Masten, showed her face in public for the first time. This new development had legal experts once again asking: Who was the real victim here?
[ pic of Gloria Alread ] Incidentally, Ms. Masten will be represented in her civil suit by feminist attorney Gloria Alread, who is also quite unattractive. No box of chocolates, that one!
Well, this week, attorney general Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars a day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just ten years after the earth crashes into the sun.
According to new medical studies, exposure to second-hand smoke dramatically increases a non-smoker's risk of getting heart disease and lung cancer. Jubilant tobacco executives say the new study proves without a shadow of a doubt that non-smoking can kill you.
[ Minimal response from audience ]
Norm MacDonald: Well... that one wasn't very good, but try to laugh anyway, it'll give Farley a little rest.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian announced this week that he will start to offer organs taken from his suicide patients to people who need transplants. In addition, Kevorkian promised that anyone who does not get a life-saving organ will get a free murdering.
And in London, British scientists have created a frog embryo without a head; a breakthrough that could lead to the production of headless human clones to provide organs for transplant, as well as horrific nightmares for the rest of my life!
Norm Macdonald: And now, with a special commentary is our very own Tracy Morgan.
Tracy Morgan: Thank you, Norm. Hello, America. My name is Tracy Morgan, or as most of you know me as... The Other Black Guy. I've been with Saturday Night Live for 23 shows, but sometimes I don't even get recognized in my own neighborhood. But that's alright because I'm The Other Black Guy. And I'm just letting you know I'm here. Now, you might wanna get a pen and a piece of paper and write my name down. It's T-R-A-C-Y M-O-R-G-A-N. [ Letters appear on screen as said ] Tracy Morgan. I have a re-occurring character. [ show Stallone goodnights ] There's me in my big scene with Sylvester Stallone. [ show Spacey goodnights ] And there's me with Kevin Spacey, he was cool to work with! [ show Tom Hanks ] Ah! Me with Tom Hanks, that's my man! I'm really proud of that character, man. I call him the guy who smiles real big at the goodnights; has been in all 23 shows; makes me feel good; a role model for kids to look up to, like Evel Knievel. When other black people come up to me and say "So you work at Saturday Night Live?" and I say "Yeah!" And they say "So what'cha do there?" And I say "I'm Tracy Morgan, the Other Black Guy." And they say "Aww, yeah, I seen you on the goodnights!" And I'll say "That's me, Tracy Morgan, the Other Black Guy." I'm proud to be filling the role of the Other Black Guy on Saturday Night Live. So America, get ready... and I'll see you in 45 minutes. Goodnight!
Norm MacDonald: Tracy Morgan, he's the other black guy, ladies and gentlemen!
Well, in Maine political activists are trying to push through a constitutional amendment that would expand voting rights for the mentally ill. But according to insiders, it's just a ploy by supporters of Ross Perot.
In New Orleans this week, Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau was honored by the Drug Policy Foundation, a group who seeks to legalize marijuana. Also honored this week by the foundation - weed!
A Minnesota man is being sued by a woman who claims that he promised to marry her, but called off the wedding after he convinced her brother to give him a kidney. [ Holds up a human kidney ] Don't I know it!
According to fire department officials in Wisconsin, many of the state's communities can't find enough people to be volunteer firefighters. As a possible explanation, officials cite the extreme danger of the job combined with the complete absence of pay!
Finally, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his 8-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory: Women can't drive!
Norm MacDonald: Okay, folks, that's the news. Thank you!
Submitted by: Paul Buxton