97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane's Addiction
Larry King's Wedding Reception
Ted Turner.....Will Ferrell
Shawn Southwick.....Molly Shannon
Larry King.....Norm MacDonald
Fran Drescher.....Cheri Oteri
Al Pacino.....Chris Kattan
Dennis Franz.....Darrell Hammond
Ross Perot.....Dana Carvey
Jane Fonda.....Ana Gasteyer
[Larry King and Shawn Southwick are having their wedding reception at Spago Hollywood in Beverly Hills. Ted Turner gets up to a podium at the table to speak, tapping on a glass with a piece of silverware.]
Ted Turner: Can I have everyone's attention? Now when I hired Larry King to work for me at CNN, I never dreamed I'd be his best man at his wedding. So Larry, as your best man and boss, let me just say you'll always be my friend as long as your ratings are good. And now may I present Shawn Southwick, the new Miss Larry King.
Shawn Southwick: Oh, thank you, Ted. As Larry's wife, I just want to say how thrilled I am to have finally found the man of my dreams: a sixty-three-year-old balding Jew who's been married eight times. Honey, would you like to say something?
Larry King: [He stands to the podium, hunched over as usual. All through his speech, he stands hunched over, switching positions from the right to the left when he switches topics.] Here's my two cents, gang. Of all the great days in my life, this is gonna be one of the two or three greatest. Michael Jordan is better at basketball than he is at baseball. If you only see one movie for the rest of your life, it should be "Gattica." I don't care what anybody says, in my book Princess Diana's death was a tragedy! Between Tylenol tablets and Tylenol jello caps, nothing beats Tylenol tablets! The more I think about it, the more I realize one of the great figures of the 20th century has to be Leonard Maltin! Is it just me or -
[Ted Turner stands up, tugging on his arm.]
Ted Turner: Okay, Larry, settle down, settle down. Fran Drescher'd like to make a toast, here. Come up here, Fran.
Fran Drescher: Larry, Shawn, congratulations. As you know, I am on the hit show "The Nanny," but unlike the other nanny who's been on TV lately, I didn't kill any kids! [laughs annoying]
Ted Turner: Fran, you're very annoying. Leave. Leave.
Fran Drescher: Oh, I'm scared! You're the big bad wolf Ted Turner! [Fran leaves the area.]
Ted Turner: Al Pacino, would you like to say a few words? Come up here, Al.
Al Pacino: [talking gruffly] Okay. Thank you, Ted. Shawn, you're a beautiful young woman. Hoo-hah! You just married Larry King. Look. [Starts snapping his fingers continually in front of his face, not blinking at all. Look at his eyes. Look. Look. Mouth. Tongue. [stops snapping] What the hell were you thinking?!
Ted Turner: Al, Al, Al, just calm down.
Al Pacino: I'm just getting warmed up! [waits a few seconds] I'm done.
Larry King: I've got a hunch that the internet is gonna be around for a long, long time, gang! Dr. Kelsey Grammer: one class act! Yours truly believes -
Ted Turner: That's enough Larry, that's enough. Get up here, Dennis.
Dennis Franz: Short and sweet. Larry King, where do you get off dating broads half your age? And in terms the looks way out of your league. You shower them with gifts, you shag them in hotels, and then before the pre-nups can take effect, you throw 'em on the street!
Larry King: Actor Dennis Franz -
Dennis Franz: Are you taking a tone with me? Because if you are, in the trunk of my car, I've got a hammer looking to bust up the only heart valve you only got that still works! [Larry King sits hastily.] By the way, great baked potato.
Larry King: Sudden thought: there is no better doctor in the world of medicine than Dr. Scholl. I don't care what anybody says, I'm still not a fan of John Denver -
[Ross Perot enters.]
Ross Perot: Larry, can I get in here? Can I get in here for a minute, please? Can I finish, please, just for a minute? Could you just zip it for one second? Not your fly, zip the mouth, right now. [moves his hand up and down] See, there's your jaw going like that, I want it to go like that. [shuts his hand] Any questions? That's it. Is it all going over your head? Is it all just whistles and bells right now, is that it? Larry, why are you getting married, anyway? Has any woman ever removed these suspenders, trembling in anticipation? Has any woman ever seen you naked and said, "I gotta get me some of that!" Look at you. What are you, a hunchback? Lower that down. Take some tai chi. Look at you. You're all cramped up. Up close, you are an odd looking bird, you know that? You must have made a deal with the Devil! Hell, "I'm gonna be on TV for 80 years, but I've got to go through life looking like a turtle!" Curves are nice on a woman, not on a spine. Check into a thing, it's called a chiropractor. How are you? Anyway, listen, all I wanted - [He notices Larry has sat down.] That's right, run away, run away, there you are. Quick impression of you right now - "What's going on? What? Where am I? Where's Ross Perot? Hey, why am I a turtle?" All I want to do is zoom zoom and a boom boom and a zoom zoom. That's right. See, I'm hip. I'm keeping up with the young people. Can you even name a Hanson, Larry? I didn't think so. Just a blank stare right there. There's nobody home, all hollow up there. Shawn, quick impression of Larry on your wedding night. [starts snoring] I'm just kidding, Larry. I'm kidding cause I love you, that's right. Now listen, you can go on with your little wedding, pushing wedding cake into his face and throw garter belts around - I'm trying to save our nation. Let me put it to you this way, folks. Please, this country's in trouble. Let me just say, you can squat on a pit bull, but that don't get you rhubarb pie.
[Ted Turner and Jane Fonda stare at each other, bewildered.]
Ross Perot: Can you follow me? Can anybody follow me?
Larry King: For my money, the best way to reach the operator is to dial "0".
Ross Perot: That is so sad.
Submitted by: Leadcrow90