Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 5

97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane's Addiction

Controlling the Airwaves

President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond
Bill Gates.....Chris Kattan
Ted Turner.....Will Ferrell
Rupert Murdoch.....Jim Breuer

["Men Behaving Badly" is on. Two men appear to play hockey in an apartment hallway.]

Man: Ready?

[The President logo cuts in.]

Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast of Men Behaving Badly to bring you this special announcement from the President of the United States.

Bill Clinton:
Good evening. My fellow Americans, I come before you tonight to discuss important recent developments in Iraq. At 7:20 this evening, Saddam Hussein sent a -

[The Microsoft logo cuts in.]

Announcer: We interrupt this message from the president to bring you this more important message from Microsoft CEO, Bill Gates.

Bill Gates: Hello, America! I just wanted to break into the airwaves to let everyone know I'm doing fine, despite heavy losses in a recent stock market crash, or "distraction," as I refer to it. I must admit, it was my fault! I was trying to download a naked picture of Agent Scully and I hit a wrong key! Whoops! But, I took heavy losses as well. The other day, I had to use a coupon to buy a Monet! I was . . .

[The CNN logo cuts in.]

Announcer: This is Ted Turner.

Ted Turner: Hi everyone, I'm Ted Turner, owner of CNN, the Atlanta Braves, and Jane Fonda's lover. No matter how big old Billy Gates docks, he still can't get near what I just done, cause last month I gave one billion dollars to the United Nations. That's right, I bought the sucker! Now maybe finally Zaire can get that superstation they deserve. I'm also talking with Peru about . . .

[Bill Gates cuts in. He angrily smacks a key, then turns back to the screen.]

Bill Gates: Don't screw with me, Turner. Because in a simple keystroke of my computer, I can un-colorize all your colorized films. And with this key, I can un-colorize you!

[Ted Turner cuts back in.]

Ted Turner: TV is my world Gates, so watch your ass. [The screen suddenly turns black-and-white.] What? What the hell?

[Bill Clinton cuts in.]

Bill Clinton: And by giving Rhode Island to Iraq, we can reach -

[The News Corporation logo interrupts.]

Announcer: And now, a very important message from Rupert Murdoch.

Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Rupert Murdoch here. Got tired of hearing Gates and Turner squawking like chickens. You all know me, I own the Fox network. We produce such fine programs, as "When Animals Attack Porno Stars," and I also just bought the Dodgers. Not because I'm trying to compete with Ted Turner, I just love baseball. Go send . . .

[Bill Gates cuts back in.]

Bill Gates: Turner, Murdoch, you make me laugh. You're only worth, like, five billion apiece! I give out that much to trick-or-treaters! Why am I so rich? [whispers loudly] Because I get off on it! Now back your "president" as he finishes the speech I wrote for him last night when I was wasted.

[Bill Clinton shows up again.]

Bill Clinton: And there is no way you can tell me the dark side of the moon is better than exile on Main Street. [laughs] But you know, I love you man. Finally, I say to you, America, "Live from New York it's" -

[Ted Turner cuts in.]

Ted Turner: No you don't, Clinton, no you don't! Live from New York, it's -

Rupert Murdoch: Go to hell there Turner, go to hell! Live from New York, it's Saturday -

Bill Gates: [giddily laughs] "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!"

Submitted by: Leadcrow90

SNL Transcripts