97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane's Addiction
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Tommy Flanagan.....Jon Lovitz
[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald,
in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm Macdonald: Thank you, I'm Norm Macdonald,
now the fake news, our top story tonight:
Last night, ex-sportscaster Marv Albert and fiancee
Heather Faulkner appeared on 20/20 with Barbara
Walters in what Albert admitted was an uphill battle
to have a really hot three-way. ...
Earlier today, following two weeks of provocation by
Saddam Hussein over U.N. weapons inspection, President
Clinton has issued his clearest warning yet to the
Iraqi leader. The unusually frank, strongly worded
letter reads as follows, quote: "Should your
government persist in flouting international law, I
will have no choice but to order military action which
will be both swift and devastating. Of course, when
the time for military action comes, I may simply
panic, flee to England and smoke dope until the whole
thing's over ... But, then again, I may NOT!"
More fallout from the recent conviction of British au
pair Louise Woodward on murder charges. This week, her
attorney, Barry Scheck, lashed out at the legal
system, saying, quote, "What kind of sick society do
we live in where an innocent girl is sent to prison
while a double murderer like O. J. Simpson goes free?"
... Kind of a-- ...
Meanwhile, O. J. Simpson's Brentwood estate officially
went on sale this week with an asking price of three
point nine million dollars. According to realtors,
some of the home's highlights include a newly
renovated gourmet kitchen and a luxurious master
bathroom with separate sinks for murderer and
murderee. [crowd gasps, Norm looks around quizzically]
... [crowd falls silent, Norm sings softly:]
Murderer, murderee ...
On Capitol Hill this week, seventeen Republican
congressmen formally asked the House Judiciary
Committee whether there is sufficient evidence to
begin impeachment proceedings against President
Clinton. In response, the president said, quote: "Hey!
You know who would have the answer to that question?
Vince Foster." ... [scattered applause]
With the release of over one hundred hours of
videotape of President Clinton at campaign
fundraisers, the pressure continues to mount on
Attorney General Janet Reno to name an independent
counsel to investigate the president. In addition,
some senators are said to be furious that, instead of
watching the videotapes, Reno has been taping over
them with episodes of "Xena: Warrior Princess." ...
On Tuesday, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani
cruised to reelection with fifty-seven per cent of the
vote. [some cheers and applause] The mayor credits his
victory to strict enforcement of "quality of life"
ordinances, while loser Ruth Messinger blamed her
defeat on low voter turnout by aggressive panhandlers
and squeegee men. ... She was expectin' them to show
up strongly. ...
This week, the crew of the trouble-plagued Russian
space station Mir took a much-deserved break, using
their on-board computer to do some shopping on the
Internet. Among the cosmonauts' purchases this week: a
VCR, an exercise bike, and a new space station.
... [mild reaction, Norm shrugs]
Norm Macdonald: Well, right now, I'd like to
bring out an old friend who we've not seen on Weekend
Update for many years. Please welcome the president of
the Pathological Liars Association of America --
[crowd reacts with delight] -- Tommy Flanagan! [Huge
cheers and applause for Tommy.]
Tommy Flanagan: Hello. My name is Tommy
Flana-- er, Flanagan, yeah. ... Well,
people have been wondering what I've been doing
lately. Well, I've been doing a lot. Fact, uh, er,
just last night I went to bed-- I mean, I went to
Tibet! Yeah, that's it, and I - I went there to
pick up my shirt at the laundry. And I had a
thousand pieces of paper in my pocket. So I took
one piece of paper out of my-- and I said, "Will this
get me my shirt back?" And he said no. And I said,
"Well, hey! Will this piece of paper get me my shirt
back?" And the man at the laundry said no. And I said,
"Well, gee, gee, how about this piece of paper?
Will this get me my shirt back?" And he said --
"Yeah, that's the ticket!" ... [groans,
cheers and applause for Tommy's trademark
So I, uh, you know, I put my shirt on and I - I went
for a hike and then - and then I fell down a glacier!
Yeah, that's it. Twenty thousand fee-- er, miles!
Yeah! ... And I was frozen in the ice -- to death.
And the following Spring, I thawed out. And when I
came to, who do you think was next to me? Amelia
Earhart! Yeah. ... Yeah, and I said, "Hey, Amelia,
how ya doin'?" And she said, "Mmm, not good." ...
'Cause her leg had been broken. But her plane had been
preserved in the ice. And I said, "Well, if you let me
fly your plane out of here, I'll come back for you."
[confidentially] It was the only time I lied.
But I - I had to get out of there 'cause I was eatin'
an apple-- I mean, I had an appointm-- I had an
audition. Yeah. ... For "Boogie Nights" ...
Yeah, that's it. Yeah, they, uh, they needed somebody
for the last scene. ... So I pulled my pants down and
I said, "Eh, what do you think?" And they said,
ehhhhh, "You're overqualified." ... I said,
"Oh, that's funny -- I was in a cold bath all
day!" ... Yeah, that's the ticket. Yeah
Norm Macdonald: Tommy Flanagan, everybody!
[cheers and applause, Tommy hesitantly shakes hands
with Norm and exits]
The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market a
Princess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of the
move has made some people very unhappy. Critics charge
that the doll is in poor taste and they're even more
upset about the Franklin Mint's other new offering --
porcelain land mines. ... You can play with
them together, if you want. ...
[Photo of drummer Bill Berry whose thick dark eyebrows
appear to be connected] This week, a milestone in rock
music. R.E.M. drummer Bill Berry has announced that he
is quitting the band. Berry, who has been with R.E.M.
for seventeen years, says the decision to leave was
entirely mutual, between himself and his giant
eyebrow. ... [scattered applause] They talked it over
and they decided it was best for both of them.
[Photo of chubby talk show host Ricki Lake] A sad
story from the world of entertainment this week. Talk
show host Ricki Lake had to get rid of her dog Dudley
after the pooch became too aggressive with her seven
month old son, Milo. A clearly saddened Lake said, "It
broke my heart to get rid of that dog. But he
was delicious." ... [groans, scattered
applause] She ate a whole dog! ...
In aviation news, a new study suggests there might be
more survivors of plane crashes if all seats were
equipped with air bags. According to the study, this
is especially true for plane crashes under fifty miles
per hour. ... The other ones, it doesn't do much good.
In Waukesha, Wisconsin, five grade school students
have been charged with holding down a boy and giving
him a wedgie, tearing his underwear in the process.
... The students now face three-day suspensions as
well as fines of up to one hundred and forty dollars.
Meanwhile, the boy himself faces more wedgies.
... [scattered applause]
In New Zealand, a convicted swindler who weighs six
hundred and seventy pounds has been sentenced to house
arrest because he is too big for prison. According to
prison officials, it took four inmates just to rape
him. ... [some disbelief mixed with applause, cheers]
And, finally, when Richard Gere made his first
appearance recently on "The Oprah Winfrey Show," the
two got along famously. But all that may change when
the actor hears about this month's Oprah Winfrey Book
Club selection. It's called "What Really Happened?" by
Richard Gere's gerbil. ... [some disbelief mixed with
applause, cheers, boos] That's crazy.
Okay, folks! That's the news! Have a good -
[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie. Music,
cheers and applause as we dissolve to the WU