Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 5







97e: Jon Lovitz / Jane's Addiction

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

.....Norm MacDonald
Tommy Flanagan.....Jon Lovitz

[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MACDONALD]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm Macdonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm Macdonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm Macdonald: Thank you, I'm Norm Macdonald, now the fake news, our top story tonight:

Last night, ex-sportscaster Marv Albert and fiancee Heather Faulkner appeared on 20/20 with Barbara Walters in what Albert admitted was an uphill battle to have a really hot three-way. ...

Earlier today, following two weeks of provocation by Saddam Hussein over U.N. weapons inspection, President Clinton has issued his clearest warning yet to the Iraqi leader. The unusually frank, strongly worded letter reads as follows, quote: "Should your government persist in flouting international law, I will have no choice but to order military action which will be both swift and devastating. Of course, when the time for military action comes, I may simply panic, flee to England and smoke dope until the whole thing's over ... But, then again, I may NOT!" ...

More fallout from the recent conviction of British au pair Louise Woodward on murder charges. This week, her attorney, Barry Scheck, lashed out at the legal system, saying, quote, "What kind of sick society do we live in where an innocent girl is sent to prison while a double murderer like O. J. Simpson goes free?" ... Kind of a-- ...

Meanwhile, O. J. Simpson's Brentwood estate officially went on sale this week with an asking price of three point nine million dollars. According to realtors, some of the home's highlights include a newly renovated gourmet kitchen and a luxurious master bathroom with separate sinks for murderer and murderee. [crowd gasps, Norm looks around quizzically] ... [crowd falls silent, Norm sings softly:] Murderer, murderee ...

On Capitol Hill this week, seventeen Republican congressmen formally asked the House Judiciary Committee whether there is sufficient evidence to begin impeachment proceedings against President Clinton. In response, the president said, quote: "Hey! You know who would have the answer to that question? Vince Foster." ... [scattered applause]

With the release of over one hundred hours of videotape of President Clinton at campaign fundraisers, the pressure continues to mount on Attorney General Janet Reno to name an independent counsel to investigate the president. In addition, some senators are said to be furious that, instead of watching the videotapes, Reno has been taping over them with episodes of "Xena: Warrior Princess." ... [some applause]

On Tuesday, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani cruised to reelection with fifty-seven per cent of the vote. [some cheers and applause] The mayor credits his victory to strict enforcement of "quality of life" ordinances, while loser Ruth Messinger blamed her defeat on low voter turnout by aggressive panhandlers and squeegee men. ... She was expectin' them to show up strongly. ...

This week, the crew of the trouble-plagued Russian space station Mir took a much-deserved break, using their on-board computer to do some shopping on the Internet. Among the cosmonauts' purchases this week: a VCR, an exercise bike, and a new space station. ... [mild reaction, Norm shrugs]

Norm Macdonald: Well, right now, I'd like to bring out an old friend who we've not seen on Weekend Update for many years. Please welcome the president of the Pathological Liars Association of America -- [crowd reacts with delight] -- Tommy Flanagan! [Huge cheers and applause for Tommy.]

Tommy Flanagan: Hello. My name is Tommy Flana-- er, Flanagan, yeah. ... Well, people have been wondering what I've been doing lately. Well, I've been doing a lot. Fact, uh, er, just last night I went to bed-- I mean, I went to Tibet! Yeah, that's it, and I - I went there to pick up my shirt at the laundry. And I had a thousand pieces of paper in my pocket. So I took one piece of paper out of my-- and I said, "Will this get me my shirt back?" And he said no. And I said, "Well, hey! Will this piece of paper get me my shirt back?" And the man at the laundry said no. And I said, "Well, gee, gee, how about this piece of paper? Will this get me my shirt back?" And he said -- "Yeah, that's the ticket!" ... [groans, cheers and applause for Tommy's trademark catch-phrase]

So I, uh, you know, I put my shirt on and I - I went for a hike and then - and then I fell down a glacier! Yeah, that's it. Twenty thousand fee-- er, miles! Yeah! ... And I was frozen in the ice -- to death. And the following Spring, I thawed out. And when I came to, who do you think was next to me? Amelia Earhart! Yeah. ... Yeah, and I said, "Hey, Amelia, how ya doin'?" And she said, "Mmm, not good." ... 'Cause her leg had been broken. But her plane had been preserved in the ice. And I said, "Well, if you let me fly your plane out of here, I'll come back for you." [confidentially] It was the only time I lied. ...

But I - I had to get out of there 'cause I was eatin' an apple-- I mean, I had an appointm-- I had an audition. Yeah. ... For "Boogie Nights" ... Yeah, that's it. Yeah, they, uh, they needed somebody for the last scene. ... So I pulled my pants down and I said, "Eh, what do you think?" And they said, ehhhhh, "You're overqualified." ... I said, "Oh, that's funny -- I was in a cold bath all day!" ... Yeah, that's the ticket. Yeah ...

Norm Macdonald: Tommy Flanagan, everybody! [cheers and applause, Tommy hesitantly shakes hands with Norm and exits]

The Franklin Mint has announced plans to market a Princess Diana porcelain doll. And the timing of the move has made some people very unhappy. Critics charge that the doll is in poor taste and they're even more upset about the Franklin Mint's other new offering -- porcelain land mines. ... You can play with them together, if you want. ...

[Photo of drummer Bill Berry whose thick dark eyebrows appear to be connected] This week, a milestone in rock music. R.E.M. drummer Bill Berry has announced that he is quitting the band. Berry, who has been with R.E.M. for seventeen years, says the decision to leave was entirely mutual, between himself and his giant eyebrow. ... [scattered applause] They talked it over and they decided it was best for both of them.

[Photo of chubby talk show host Ricki Lake] A sad story from the world of entertainment this week. Talk show host Ricki Lake had to get rid of her dog Dudley after the pooch became too aggressive with her seven month old son, Milo. A clearly saddened Lake said, "It broke my heart to get rid of that dog. But he was delicious." ... [groans, scattered applause] She ate a whole dog! ...

In aviation news, a new study suggests there might be more survivors of plane crashes if all seats were equipped with air bags. According to the study, this is especially true for plane crashes under fifty miles per hour. ... The other ones, it doesn't do much good. ...

In Waukesha, Wisconsin, five grade school students have been charged with holding down a boy and giving him a wedgie, tearing his underwear in the process. ... The students now face three-day suspensions as well as fines of up to one hundred and forty dollars. Meanwhile, the boy himself faces more wedgies. ... [scattered applause]

In New Zealand, a convicted swindler who weighs six hundred and seventy pounds has been sentenced to house arrest because he is too big for prison. According to prison officials, it took four inmates just to rape him. ... [some disbelief mixed with applause, cheers] Huge man!

And, finally, when Richard Gere made his first appearance recently on "The Oprah Winfrey Show," the two got along famously. But all that may change when the actor hears about this month's Oprah Winfrey Book Club selection. It's called "What Really Happened?" by Richard Gere's gerbil. ... [some disbelief mixed with applause, cheers, boos] That's crazy.

Okay, folks! That's the news! Have a good - thing!

[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie. Music, cheers and applause as we dissolve to the WU graphic.]


Submitted Anonymously


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