Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

A Message From the President of the United States

Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton.....Ana Gasteyer
Al Gore.....Will Ferrell
Barbara Walters.....Cheri Oteri

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a special address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Bill Clinton seated at his desk in the Oval Office ]

President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. As of 8:15 p.m. Eastern Time, American planes have begun bombing authorities inside Iraq. We are now at war. [ he smiles and bangs his fists on the table ] I'M JUST KIDDING! HA! Ah, I bet my approval rating just went through the ROOF there for a minute!

[ he bites his lip and turns serious ]

The real reason I'm addressing you tonight has nothing to do with Iraq, the ecomony or independent council investigations. I'm here tonight to tell you about my wife.. uh..

Hillary Clinton: [ sitting down next to Bill ] Hillary.

President Bill Clinton: Sure.. Hillary..

Hillary Clinton: Hello, America.

President Bill Clinton: Now, last year during the election, I asked Hillary, with all the respect and love a husband feels for his wife, to shut her damn mouth. It was part of my re-eelection strategy, and wouldn't you know - it worked like gangbusters! [ laughs until he sees Hillary's evil eye and stops ] Then, last month after Hillary turned fifty.. [ he shudders ] ..and the impending conflict in Iraq promised to get my approval rating in the upper 80's, lower 90's.. some advisors felt maybe I could take a hit and let Hillary speak.

Hillary Clinton: And I was thankful..

President Bill Clinton: Not yet, woman! [ pause ] I, however, said no. But then Hillary threatened to remember something that she had previously forgotten. So we came to an agreeable compromise. I have agreed to let Hillary address the nation and speak her mind freely for an entire minute. [ places an egg timer on the desk ] Just to cover my bases, though.. yesterday, I sent an aircraft carrier to the Persian Gulf. I hope this will keep my approval rating up, and give me a "Hillary Buffer Zone". [ sets the timer for "one" minute ] Citizens of America, I give you our First-Lady: Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you. First, I would like to address the issue of Health Care reform. [ buzzer goes off ]

President Bill Clinton: Time's up! Whoo! I think that went well..

Hillary Clinton: That was not a minute, Bill!

President Bill Clinton: Oh, maybe you cook an egg differently than I do.

Hillary Clinton: You know, it's funny - I just remembered this incident at the Governor's Ball in 19..

President Bill Clinton: Okay! [ resets timer ] Ladies and gentlemen, the First-Lady.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Bill. [ starts ] You all know I believe in Health Care. But I also believe in other issues, like rehabilitating criminals rather than putting them to death. Now, I know that sounds liberal, but..

President Bill Clinton: [ fakes a buzzer sound ] Time's up!

Hillary Clinton: You made that sound with your mouth, Bill!

President Bill Clinton: [ stunned at the accusation ] I most certainly did not! That was one minute.

Hillary Clinton: [ to cameras ] You know, America.. I remember once in 1983, I caught Bill on all fours wearing an E.T. mask..

President Bill Clinton: [ resets timer ] Alright! Start yapping, you she-witch!

Hillary Clinton: Thank you. [ clears throat ] I feel that we have strayed from the progressive and compassionate path as a nation. Big business continues to exploit the individual..

President Bill Clinton: Except for Dow Chemical! [ gives thumbs-up ]

Hillary Clinton: Common sense has been replaced by mob mentality, and bold leadership has been replaced by public opinion polls.

President Bill Clinton: She's crazy, right? I mean.. unless you agree with her..

Hillary Clinton: Vibrant thinking has been replaced by soulless buerocrats seeking only to rise to power.

Al Gore: [ entering ] Hi. I'm Al Gore. [ exits ]

Hillary Clinton: Meanwhile, our celebrity-obsessed culture is more interested in who is sleeping with who, rather than who is oppressing who.

Barbra Walters: [ entering ] Hello. I'm Barbara Walters. [ exits ]

Hillary Clinton: So, I call for everyone to.. [ buzzer goes off for real ]

President Bill Clinton: Time's up! [ Hillary gives Bill a dirty look ] Damn, woman! You just tore me a new one.

Hillary Clinton: I appreciate the opportunity. But there is one more thing I'd like to say.

President Bill Clinton: Sorry, we agreed.

Hillary Clinton: No, if I could just..

President Bill Clinton: Oh, I'm sorry..

Hillary Clinton: But..

President Bill Clinton: No!

Hillary Clinton: [ grabs timer and resets it ] Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

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