97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey
Barry Scheck's Clients
Barry Scheck ... Norm MacDonald
Mrs. Scheck ... Molly Shannon
Louise Woodward ... Claire Danes
O. J. Simpson ... Tim Meadows
Ted Kaczynski ... Will Ferrell
Terry Nichols ... Jim Breuer
[Night. Exterior of a nice house in the city. SUPER:
Barry Scheck's Home. Dissolve to interior of the
living room where attorney Barry Scheck sits on the
sofa and works at his laptop computer. His wife, Mrs.
Mrs. Scheck: Ooh, all right, Barry. The kids
are all tucked in upstairs, okay?
Barry Scheck: Oh, okay, thanks, honey.
Mrs. Scheck: Okay, so I'm gonna go to that
P.T.A. meeting. Now, you're gonna be okay here?
Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got these legal
briefs to go over for - for my trial tomorrow, so...
Mrs. Scheck: Okay, sweetie. All right, I'll see
you later. [they kiss]
Barry Scheck: Okay, honey.
[Mrs. Scheck exits, Barry continues to work on
computer while eating French fries. He tries to pour
ketchup out of a bottle with no success. Doorbell
rings. Barry rises and answers the door. Louise
Woodward, the British nanny acquitted of murder for
shaking a baby to death, enters.]
Louise Woodward: [British accent] Hello, Mr.
Barry Scheck: Aha! Louise! H-How are you? What
are you doing here?
Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I wanted to thank
you for taking on my case and getting me out of jail.
Barry Scheck: Ah, well, no problem. Justice
prevailed and that's the important thing.
Louise Woodward: Oh, and also since I must stay
in the country until my appeal is resolved, I-I'd like
to ask you a small favor.
Barry Scheck: Oh, of course. Anything at all.
Louise Woodward: Can I be your nanny?
Barry Scheck: Dah!! No! No, we're, ah, we're
not looking for anyone right now.
Louise Woodward: [holds up a newspaper ad] But
this ad here says you're looking for a nanny.
Barry Scheck: Ha! The ad, yes! Well, all right,
well, ah, just, uh, mail me your references and, uh--
See you later!
Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I've - I've got my
references right here. [offers him a file
Barry Scheck: Oh, you do, huh?
Louise Woodward: Yes.
Barry Scheck: [takes folder, opens it, reads
it] All right, well, let's take a look at 'em, here,
your references, are, uh... Let me see, uh, "Barry
Scheck." Well, that's me. And, uh, "England." ... The
whole country, huh? And then, this is odd, you've
actually given a phone number for England. That's, uh
- I didn't realize that the - countries had their own
phone numbers. Listen, Louise, ah, we don't need any
nannies, so, uh...
Louise Woodward: But - but, who will look after
Barry Scheck: Ha! Our children, yes! Well, uh,
what we do is, me and the wife, when we go out, we,
ah, just leave the kids a couple of jigsaw puzzles and
a pack of bologna. All right! See ya!
Louise Woodward: Oh, it's really cold out
there. Could - could I please come in for a spell?
Barry Scheck: Huh, well, ah, let me think about
it there, ah-- No, you can't!
Louise Woodward: Oh, please! I'm really cold!
Barry Scheck: Well, all right. Just for a
minute, I guess. [Barry and Louise sit on the sofa,
Barry tries again to pour ketchup on his French fries]
Just having some dinner, here.
Louise Woodward: What are you trying to do?
Barry Scheck: Ah, I'm trying to get this
ketchup-- It won't come out.
Louise Woodward: Ah, ooh, let me try. [grabs
bottle] See, you've really got to shake it. Shake it!
[shakes bottle violently] Shake it until it gets
loose! Damn it! Why won't the ketchup come
Barry Scheck: Louise! [grabs ketchup bottle
back] That's my bottle of ketchup, there.
[Doorbell rings. Barry rises and answers it. Acquitted
double murderer O. J. Simpson enters, all smiles.]
O. J. Simpson: Hey, Barry, what's happening,
Barry Scheck: O. J.!
O. J. Simpson: [they shake hands] Yeah, how you
Barry Scheck: O. J., what - what are you doing
O. J. Simpson: Look, I just, ah, wanted to come
by and thank you for getting me acquitted, man. Thanks
a lot. [gives Barry a quick hug]
Barry Scheck: Ahaha, yeah, well, no problem.
Okay, see you later.
O. J. Simpson: [takes off coat, grinning, moves
toward Louise] Hey, uh, who's the hottie?
Barry Scheck: The "hottie"? That - that's a
O. J. Simpson: [laughs] Yeah, right.
Louise Woodward: [still on the sofa, shaking
the ketchup bottle, talking to herself] ... Damn
ketchup out of the bottle!
O. J. Simpson: [to Louise] Oh, here, let me see
that. You know, you need to stick something in there.
Here, let me see. [O. J. pulls out a huge knife, takes
the bottle and repeatedly jams the knife into it.]
Barry Scheck: [shocked] Good Lord! O. J., put
the knife down! O. J.!
O. J. Simpson: Now, wait a minute. Hold on one
second, my hands get sweaty when I'm working. [whips
out a black glove]
Barry Scheck: [stunned] Dah!!
O. J. Simpson: [puts glove on, continues to jam
the knife down the neck of the bottle] Yeah, that'll
do it! Oh, yes, yes, this is it, yes!
[Doorbell rings but Barry doesn't hear it - so
mesmerized is he by the sight of a gloved O. J.
jamming a huge knife up and down into a ketchup
bottle. On the second ring, Barry hurries to the door
and answers it. Bearded, wild-haired Unabomber Ted
Kaczynski, wearing orange prison jumpsuit and carrying
a package wrapped in brown paper, enters.]
Ted Kaczynski: Mr. Scheck?
Barry Scheck: [terrified] Ahhh!
Ted Kaczynski: Hi, I'm - I'm Ted Kaczynski, you
know, the Unabomber?
Barry Scheck: Yeah, yeah, I know who you are.
Ted Kaczynski: How the hell are ya?
Barry Scheck: Ha ha, uh, I'm fine. What do you
Ted Kaczynski: Well, my trial's just gettin'
started and I need a good lawyer. What do you say?
Barry Scheck: Ah, uh, yeah, well, you know, uh,
the thing is, ah, you know, my schedule's really tight
right now and, I--
Ted Kaczynski: Hey, that isn't a computer over
there, is it?
Barry Scheck: Oh, yes - NO!
Ted Kaczynski: Oh, good, okay. Oh, oh that
reminds me, Barry, I brought you something. [hands
Barry the package]
Barry Scheck: Oh. DAH! [hands it back to
Kaczynski] You just hold on to that.
Ted Kaczynski: Okay, okay. Look, I'm just gonna
go mingle. Heyyyy!
Barry Scheck: Ha, mingle.
Ted Kaczynski: [joins O. J.] Hey, Juice,
what're you doin'?
O. J. Simpson: Ah, I'm just trying to get the
ketchup out of this bottle.
Ted Kaczynski: Is it Heinz?
O. J. Simpson: Yeah.
Ted Kaczynski: [conspiratorially] Well, look on
the side of the bottle and tap the "57."
O. J. Simpson: Oh.
Louise Woodward: [shaking a martini shaker over
her head] Does anyone want a martini?
Barry Scheck: Louise! For God's sake! [takes
shaker away from Louise as the doorbell rings] My
martini shaker! [Barry sets shaker down and goes to
answer the door. Louise immediately picks up shaker
and continues to shake it. Barry opens door.
Bespectacled Oklahoma City bombing accomplice Terry
Terry Nichols: How are you, Mr. Scheck? [shakes
hands with Barry] Terry Nichols, here.
Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah.
Terry Nichols: Yeah, I came to see if you'd,
uh, represent me ...
Barry Scheck: Oh!
Terry Nichols: [takes his coat off] ... in the
Oklahoma City bombing trial.
Barry Scheck: Yeah, well, I'm kind of busy with
the, uh, Unabomber.
Ted Kaczynski: Hey, Terry, can you help us get
the ketchup out of the bottle, here?
Terry Nichols: Sure, got any ammonium nitrate
[Wild-eyed, Kaczynski laughs. Violently shaking the
martini shaker, Louise laughs. O. J., knife in gloved
hand and red ketchup spattered all over his white
O. J. Simpson: I sure made a mess of this
ketchup! Barry, you wanna get rid of this for me?
[hands Barry the knife]
[Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" plays.
Barry, knife in hand, steps forward into a spotlight
to address the camera. As he does, the room darkens
and Barry's "guests" crowd together in the background:
Louise hands out drinks to the others, Nichols and O.
J. toast one another, Kaczynski and Louise slow dance,
Nichols pulls out a small camera and he and O. J. pose
for a picture.]
Barry Scheck: Ah, well, I'll never forget that
magical night. Laughing and singing with Terry
Nichols, O. J., the British nanny, and the Unabomber.
We became the best of friends. Then when I wake up the
next morning, I realized my wife had been stabbed, my
baby had been shaken, and my house had been blown up
twice. ... You know, some people might call that a
tragedy, but I call it four new clients. And four new
[Barry rejoins his new friends. Applause. Fade.]