Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

Barry Scheck's Clients

Barry Scheck ... Norm MacDonald
Mrs. Scheck ... Molly Shannon
Louise Woodward ... Claire Danes
O. J. Simpson ... Tim Meadows
Ted Kaczynski ... Will Ferrell
Terry Nichols ... Jim Breuer

[Night. Exterior of a nice house in the city. SUPER: Barry Scheck's Home. Dissolve to interior of the living room where attorney Barry Scheck sits on the sofa and works at his laptop computer. His wife, Mrs. Scheck, enters.]

Mrs. Scheck: Ooh, all right, Barry. The kids are all tucked in upstairs, okay?

Barry Scheck: Oh, okay, thanks, honey.

Mrs. Scheck: Okay, so I'm gonna go to that P.T.A. meeting. Now, you're gonna be okay here?

Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got these legal briefs to go over for - for my trial tomorrow, so...

Mrs. Scheck: Okay, sweetie. All right, I'll see you later. [they kiss]

Barry Scheck: Okay, honey.

[Mrs. Scheck exits, Barry continues to work on computer while eating French fries. He tries to pour ketchup out of a bottle with no success. Doorbell rings. Barry rises and answers the door. Louise Woodward, the British nanny acquitted of murder for shaking a baby to death, enters.]

Louise Woodward: [British accent] Hello, Mr. Scheck.

Barry Scheck: Aha! Louise! H-How are you? What are you doing here?

Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I wanted to thank you for taking on my case and getting me out of jail.

Barry Scheck: Ah, well, no problem. Justice prevailed and that's the important thing.

Louise Woodward: Oh, and also since I must stay in the country until my appeal is resolved, I-I'd like to ask you a small favor.

Barry Scheck: Oh, of course. Anything at all.

Louise Woodward: Can I be your nanny?

Barry Scheck: Dah!! No! No, we're, ah, we're not looking for anyone right now.

Louise Woodward: [holds up a newspaper ad] But this ad here says you're looking for a nanny.

Barry Scheck: Ha! The ad, yes! Well, all right, well, ah, just, uh, mail me your references and, uh-- See you later!

Louise Woodward: Oh, well, I've - I've got my references right here. [offers him a file folder]

Barry Scheck: Oh, you do, huh?

Louise Woodward: Yes.

Barry Scheck: [takes folder, opens it, reads it] All right, well, let's take a look at 'em, here, your references, are, uh... Let me see, uh, "Barry Scheck." Well, that's me. And, uh, "England." ... The whole country, huh? And then, this is odd, you've actually given a phone number for England. That's, uh - I didn't realize that the - countries had their own phone numbers. Listen, Louise, ah, we don't need any nannies, so, uh...

Louise Woodward: But - but, who will look after your children?

Barry Scheck: Ha! Our children, yes! Well, uh, what we do is, me and the wife, when we go out, we, ah, just leave the kids a couple of jigsaw puzzles and a pack of bologna. All right! See ya!

Louise Woodward: Oh, it's really cold out there. Could - could I please come in for a spell?

Barry Scheck: Huh, well, ah, let me think about it there, ah-- No, you can't!

Louise Woodward: Oh, please! I'm really cold!

Barry Scheck: Well, all right. Just for a minute, I guess. [Barry and Louise sit on the sofa, Barry tries again to pour ketchup on his French fries] Just having some dinner, here.

Louise Woodward: What are you trying to do?

Barry Scheck: Ah, I'm trying to get this ketchup-- It won't come out.

Louise Woodward: Ah, ooh, let me try. [grabs bottle] See, you've really got to shake it. Shake it! [shakes bottle violently] Shake it until it gets loose! Damn it! Why won't the ketchup come out?!

Barry Scheck: Louise! [grabs ketchup bottle back] That's my bottle of ketchup, there.

[Doorbell rings. Barry rises and answers it. Acquitted double murderer O. J. Simpson enters, all smiles.]

O. J. Simpson: Hey, Barry, what's happening, man?

Barry Scheck: O. J.!

O. J. Simpson: [they shake hands] Yeah, how you doing?

Barry Scheck: O. J., what - what are you doing here?

O. J. Simpson: Look, I just, ah, wanted to come by and thank you for getting me acquitted, man. Thanks a lot. [gives Barry a quick hug]

Barry Scheck: Ahaha, yeah, well, no problem. Okay, see you later.

O. J. Simpson: [takes off coat, grinning, moves toward Louise] Hey, uh, who's the hottie?

Barry Scheck: The "hottie"? That - that's a nanny.

O. J. Simpson: [laughs] Yeah, right.

Louise Woodward: [still on the sofa, shaking the ketchup bottle, talking to herself] ... Damn ketchup out of the bottle!

O. J. Simpson: [to Louise] Oh, here, let me see that. You know, you need to stick something in there. Here, let me see. [O. J. pulls out a huge knife, takes the bottle and repeatedly jams the knife into it.]

Barry Scheck: [shocked] Good Lord! O. J., put the knife down! O. J.!

O. J. Simpson: Now, wait a minute. Hold on one second, my hands get sweaty when I'm working. [whips out a black glove]

Barry Scheck: [stunned] Dah!!

O. J. Simpson: [puts glove on, continues to jam the knife down the neck of the bottle] Yeah, that'll do it! Oh, yes, yes, this is it, yes!

[Doorbell rings but Barry doesn't hear it - so mesmerized is he by the sight of a gloved O. J. jamming a huge knife up and down into a ketchup bottle. On the second ring, Barry hurries to the door and answers it. Bearded, wild-haired Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, wearing orange prison jumpsuit and carrying a package wrapped in brown paper, enters.]

Ted Kaczynski: Mr. Scheck?

Barry Scheck: [terrified] Ahhh!

Ted Kaczynski: Hi, I'm - I'm Ted Kaczynski, you know, the Unabomber?

Barry Scheck: Yeah, yeah, I know who you are.

Ted Kaczynski: How the hell are ya?

Barry Scheck: Ha ha, uh, I'm fine. What do you want?

Ted Kaczynski: Well, my trial's just gettin' started and I need a good lawyer. What do you say?

Barry Scheck: Ah, uh, yeah, well, you know, uh, the thing is, ah, you know, my schedule's really tight right now and, I--

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, that isn't a computer over there, is it?

Barry Scheck: Oh, yes - NO!

Ted Kaczynski: Oh, good, okay. Oh, oh that reminds me, Barry, I brought you something. [hands Barry the package]

Barry Scheck: Oh. DAH! [hands it back to Kaczynski] You just hold on to that.

Ted Kaczynski: Okay, okay. Look, I'm just gonna go mingle. Heyyyy!

Barry Scheck: Ha, mingle.

Ted Kaczynski: [joins O. J.] Hey, Juice, what're you doin'?

O. J. Simpson: Ah, I'm just trying to get the ketchup out of this bottle.

Ted Kaczynski: Is it Heinz?

O. J. Simpson: Yeah.

Ted Kaczynski: [conspiratorially] Well, look on the side of the bottle and tap the "57."

O. J. Simpson: Oh.

Louise Woodward: [shaking a martini shaker over her head] Does anyone want a martini?

Barry Scheck: Louise! For God's sake! [takes shaker away from Louise as the doorbell rings] My martini shaker! [Barry sets shaker down and goes to answer the door. Louise immediately picks up shaker and continues to shake it. Barry opens door. Bespectacled Oklahoma City bombing accomplice Terry Nichols enters.]

Terry Nichols: How are you, Mr. Scheck? [shakes hands with Barry] Terry Nichols, here.

Barry Scheck: Oh, yeah.

Terry Nichols: Yeah, I came to see if you'd, uh, represent me ...

Barry Scheck: Oh!

Terry Nichols: [takes his coat off] ... in the Oklahoma City bombing trial.

Barry Scheck: Yeah, well, I'm kind of busy with the, uh, Unabomber.

Ted Kaczynski: Hey, Terry, can you help us get the ketchup out of the bottle, here?

Terry Nichols: Sure, got any ammonium nitrate and fertilizer?

[Wild-eyed, Kaczynski laughs. Violently shaking the martini shaker, Louise laughs. O. J., knife in gloved hand and red ketchup spattered all over his white shirt, laughs.]

O. J. Simpson: I sure made a mess of this ketchup! Barry, you wanna get rid of this for me? [hands Barry the knife]

[Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" plays. Barry, knife in hand, steps forward into a spotlight to address the camera. As he does, the room darkens and Barry's "guests" crowd together in the background: Louise hands out drinks to the others, Nichols and O. J. toast one another, Kaczynski and Louise slow dance, Nichols pulls out a small camera and he and O. J. pose for a picture.]

Barry Scheck: Ah, well, I'll never forget that magical night. Laughing and singing with Terry Nichols, O. J., the British nanny, and the Unabomber. We became the best of friends. Then when I wake up the next morning, I realized my wife had been stabbed, my baby had been shaken, and my house had been blown up twice. ... You know, some people might call that a tragedy, but I call it four new clients. And four new friends.

[Barry rejoins his new friends. Applause. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

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