Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 6

97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

Peter Pan

Peter Pan.....Chris Kattan
Wendy.....Ana Gasteyer
Tinkerbell.....Claire Danes

[ open on Peter Pan in Wendy's room ]

Peter Pan: You just can't grow up! You have to come with me to Never Never Land!

Wendy: Never Never Land? How wonderful! Peter, I'm so excited.. I'd like to give you.. a kiss. [ as Peter leans in, Tinkerbell buzzes by ] Oh, my.. what's wrong with Tinkerbell?

Peter Pan: Why.. I think she's jealous!

Wendy: Jealous? Of me? How funny!

Peter Pan: Yep! She's jealous, alright! She's flittering and scattering around Pixie Dust so much, that's how I can tell.

Wendy: I wonder what she's saying?

[ close-up on Tinkerbell and her thoughts ]

Tinkerbell: [ angry ] You whore! You flithy, rotten slut! You keep your bony ass away from him, you hear me, you hatchet-faced tramp! This chunk is mine, bitch! I've been working that man for years, trying to get some of his greens! I own that piece of..

[ Peter and Wendy continue to laugh as Tinkerbell buzzes around the room ]

Wendy: Look at her go! It looks like you've got quite a frisky fairy on your hands.

Peter Pan: Yep, that's Tink! She's quite a little firecracker.

Wendy: I should say so. Just listen to all that merry little tinkling!

[ close-up on Tinkerbell and her thoughts ]

Tinkerbell: ..and you can just suck it! You hear that?! I'm gonna make you suck it! You do not wnat what I got! I'll bitch-slap you! I'll cut off your feet and mail them to your parents! And, you, Peter.. if you so much as touch that dirty piece of sailor-meat, I'll handcuff you to a radiator and beat you with a curtain rod, you mother..

[ Peter and Wendy continue to laugh as Tinkerbell buzzes around the room ]

Peter Pan: Ah, Tink, you look like you got a bee in your bonnet!

Wendy: [ jumping across the room ] Oh, I wish I were a fairy! What a gay, gay time of it I would have!

[ close-up on Tinkerbell smoking a cigarette ]

Tinkerbell: What the hell have I done with my life? I'm the fairy equivalent of a thirty-eight year-old woman.. And I've spent most of my adult life chasing after a ten year-old in tights. I can't read or write.. I'm named "Tinkerbell", for God's sake! Well, screw it! It's time for Tink to get some booze in her gut, and her legs in the air!

[ cut to Peter telling Wendy all about Tinkerbell ]

Peter Pan: Yeah.. Tinkerbell's been following me around for years. I give her an acorn every couple of days. She seems happy. [ Tinkerbell flies up to a bottle of booze ] Hey.. what's Tink up to?

Wendy: [ laughing ] Oh! The silly little sprite seems to have taken a liking to Father's brandy. [ Tinkerbell drinks the entire bottle ] Oh, naughty Tinkerbell!

[ close-up off a drunken Tinkerbell ]

Tinkerbell: [ hiccups ] You never loved me, you puke! I coulda been a dancer! Everybody said I was good enough, I coulda made it big! But, no! I had to crap it all away on you, Pan! But it all ends tonight!

[ Peter and Wendy laugh harder than ever at Tinkerbell's antics ]

Wendy: Peter, look. Isn't that cute! Tinkerbell's got a knife!

[ Peter and Wendy laugh, until they notice Tinkerbell is pointing the knife straight at them ]

[ close-up of Tinkerbell holding the knife determindedly ]

Tinkerbell: Oh, yeah.. I'm drunk, and someone's gettin' cut! I got nothin' to lose, do you hear me?! I'm gonna gut you like a fish! Don't screw with me! I'm Tinkerbell!!

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