Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 6




97f: Clare Danes / Mariah Carey

The View

Meredith Viera.....Molly Shannon
Barbara Walters.....Cheri Oteri
Star Jones.....Tracy Morgan
Debbie Matenopoulus.....Clair Danes
Cokie Jones.....Ana Gesteyer

[ background music starts ]

[ The View logo ]

[ hosts enter and sit at the table ]

Meredith Viera: Hi, welcome to The View. We got a great show for you today. Right, ladies?

Barbara Walters: We certainly do.

Meredith Viera: Okay, let's start with a look at the newspaper.

Star Jones: We have got some hot topics today.

Meredith Viera: Yes, we do. What do you think about this? Louise Woodward, the British nanny, was set free on Monday. Her conviction was reduced from murder to manslaughter.

Star Jones: Now, I am a lawyer, and I can tell you manslaughter is a lesser charge than murder. So, her charges were actually reduced.

Barbara Walters: Meredith, I was at a dinner party with Berry Chuck just last night, and, girlfriend, he was as giddy as a school-girl who had crossed the ocean, killed her baby, and got all scott free.

Meredith Viera: Nice, nice. Now, I have a nanny, and it's worked out great, but I also have a secret nanny who keeps an eye on the other nanny, but, uh, not everyone can afford that.

Barbara Walters: No, this is true. Yes, this is true.

Debbie Matenopoulus: You, guys, that English nanny bugs me. I mean, I mean, what is with that stupid accent?

[ Barbara Walters makes a hand gesture ]

Debbie Matenopoulus: Right? I mean, you know. [ giggles ]

[ short silence ]

Meredith Viera: Okay, this, um, this next story is really very interesting. Umm, President Clinton is sending 50 more warplanes to Iraq. This will double the number of U.S. warplanes in the region from 50 to 100.

Star Jones: Now, I am a lawyer, and what this means is that there were 50 planes and now, there are 100 planes, and that's almost twice as many planes. I know.

Barbara Walters: That's right, that's right, true. I was horseback riding with Saddam Hussein just last week. And let me tell you, sister friend, that man is as crazy as a crap house rat.

Debbie Matenopoulus: You guys, I'll take on Saddam Hussein myself 'cause, 'cause I do power yoga, and I'm like totally strong.

Meredith Viera: Okayyyy, our guest today is one of my favorite journalists. She's fantastic. This lady is fantastic. You see her every Sunday on This Week with David Brinkley. Please welcome Cokie Roberts.

[ Cokie enters and sits down ]

[ everyone speaking at the same time ]

Star Jones: You must be a size six.

Cokie Roberts: Well, thank you for having me.

Barbara Walters: Cokie, I must ask, what is the most difficult interview you've ever done?

Cokie Roberts: Well, Barbara, I would have to say it's--

Barbara Walters: Because, Cokie, if it were me, it would have to either be Henry Kissinger, Fidel Castro, or my upcoming interview with Ferry Switzer this week on 20/20.

Meredith Viera: You know, sometimes, I will be in the middle of the interview, and I will start thinking about my son, Alex, and I will be thinking what is he doing right now. Is he eating a sandwich? Does he miss me? And I feel so guilty about being a working mom.

Star Jones: See, that's why I say no kids for me. 'Cause we all know I got to have my me time.

[ all the ladies say "That is so Star!" ]

Debbie Matenopoulus: Umm, Cokie, you know what I wanted to ask you, does anyone ever call you Cokie Cola or Diet Cokie?

[ short silence ]

Meredith Viera: Okay, it is time now, um, for our question of the day. Okay, today's question comes from Marlyn Campbell of Tulsa, Oklahoma. And, Cokie, we chose this question in your honor. Okay? If you could be any Spice Girl, which one would you be and why? It's a great question, huh? It is, it is. Great question, great question.

Barbara Walters: I'll go first. I said ginger spice, also known as sexy spice, because I've always thought of myself as that Benny Hill type of big-breasted beauty. Star?

Star Jones: Now, I know all you thought I was gonna say scary spice.

Barbara Walters: That's true.

Meredith Viera: Yes.

Star Jones: Why, oh, why is the only Black spice girl called scary? I mean, I wanna be called, i wanna be pudge spice, you know. Wear some Prada, okay. I'm a lawyer.

Debbie Matenopoulus: How about you, Cokie Cola?

Cokie Roberts: Well, I, I've been a journalist for 28 years, and, uh, Barbara, you've gotta get off the show before it sinks to you like a stone.

Debbie Matenopoulus: No fair, you didn't answer the question.

Cokie Roberts: And, and someone should be you senseless with your own chunky black shoes.

[ everyone speaking at the same time ]

Star Jones: I know that's true. If I had decent senses, I'd beat that little white bitch myself.

Meredith Viera: Okay, we have to go to commercial, but stick around, we're gonna be talking about the problem of virginity with the cast of the Lion King.


Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell


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