97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan
Colin Quinn Explains The New York Times
... Colin Quinn
[Funky bass theme. SUPER: Colin Quinn Explains The
New York Times. Casually-dressed Colin sits on the
edge of a desk in an office set.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Colin Quinn explains
the New York Times.
[Music pots down and lights come up to reveal Colin
brandishing a copy of the influential
newspaper-of-record for the power elite.]
Colin Quinn: The New York Times. We all
want to be the people who read it but we don't. Except
me. I read it so you can watch "Veronica's Closet."
... Now, before I begin, I should point out the
Times has been redesigned and colorized. The
Times shouldn't be colorized. It looks too
desperate. It's like tryin' to compete with the
little punk newspapers. It's like your favorite
middle-aged uncle who starts shopping at Structure and
listening to Radiohead. ... It's creepy.
[picks up another copy, points to a front page story]
This story, by the way, is about Iraq. Now, we all
tend to demonize the Iraqis in this situation. But
look at it from the point of view of some Iraqi who's
livin' there. You grow up in Iraq, you can't smoke,
drink, have sex. Then, one day they tell you you're a
human shield. ... All right? You're supposed to stop
bombs with your face. ... In other words, they build
bombs to protect the people, then use the people to
protect the bombs. ... You know, they must be sittin'
there, like, "Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you give
us tire irons and shoot us out of cannons, y'know?
[picks up another copy, folded to an inside page] Here
in the national news this Tuesday, the Republicans
tried to block Clinton's appointee - appointee as
ambassador to Luxembourg 'cause he's gay. Now, this is
sad. First of all, why pick on the guy, right? He's
the ambassador of Luxembourg -- you know? ... You
think they didn't know that when they suggested him?
You know, they're in the room, like, "Hey, listen, we
got this gay ambassador. What do you want to do with
him?" "Ah, put him into Luxembourg. They're not gonna
do anything about it, y'know?" ... It's no big deal to
have a gay ambassador anyway. Don't the English always
have those effete, alcoholic ambassadors down there in
the West Indies? Y'know, you got the guy in the white
suit who drinks mint juleps and tells Joe Orton
stories. ... [crosses legs, pretends to smoke a
cigarette] He just sits there going, [affected British
accent] "Oh, this wretched island! This wretched,
wretched little island!" .. Y'know? ...
By the way, this gay ambassador is the heir to the
Hormel meatpacking dynasty. Now, I know you're
thinking, "Oh, don't go for a cheap gay meatpacker
joke." ... Let me tell ya somethin'. Let me tell ya
somethin'. Even his gay friends make that joke, okay?
... It's right there. You can't help it. To avoid it
would be more condescending than makin' it. ... Now
... [applause] Thank you.
[picks up another copy, folded to an inside page] Now
on Thursday in the business section, we have this
story: "Newcourt Credit of Canada agreed to acquire
AT&T Capital, a spinoff controlled by a unit of Nomura
Securities of Japan for one point six billion,
creating one of the biggest non-bank lenders." Now, I
don't know what that means, you don't know what that
means. You say, "Who cares?" ... Right? And then you
wake up one morning and a can of soup is eight bucks,
all right? ... Then you care. ...
So, you need to read the Times because of
things like that. You know the difference. You see the
guy on the train, he's got the Times, he's
wearin' a London Fog, he's got on a six hundred dollar
watch, the headline says "Senate Subcommittee meets
House Judiciary" -- meanwhile, you're standing next to
him in a Hard Rock Cafe bomber jacket ... you're
reading the Post, you're lookin' at a picture
of a naked woman makin' out with a robot, right? ...
So, you can keep not readin' the Times but then
you have only yourself to blame when you get into one
of those political arguments with your friends - about
the American reacquisition of the F-1 bombers. They're
all spouting facts - and the only thing you can think
of is one of Val Kilmer's speeches from Top
I'm Colin Quinn, good night, thank you. Thank
[Cheers and applause, music, graphic, pull back,
lights dim, fade out.]