97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Colin Quinn Explains The New York Times

... Colin Quinn

[Funky bass theme. SUPER: Colin Quinn Explains The New York Times. Casually-dressed Colin sits on the edge of a desk in an office set.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Colin Quinn explains the New York Times.

[Music pots down and lights come up to reveal Colin brandishing a copy of the influential newspaper-of-record for the power elite.]

Colin Quinn: The New York Times. We all want to be the people who read it but we don't. Except me. I read it so you can watch "Veronica's Closet." ... Now, before I begin, I should point out the Times has been redesigned and colorized. The Times shouldn't be colorized. It looks too desperate. It's like tryin' to compete with the little punk newspapers. It's like your favorite middle-aged uncle who starts shopping at Structure and listening to Radiohead. ... It's creepy.

[picks up another copy, points to a front page story] This story, by the way, is about Iraq. Now, we all tend to demonize the Iraqis in this situation. But look at it from the point of view of some Iraqi who's livin' there. You grow up in Iraq, you can't smoke, drink, have sex. Then, one day they tell you you're a human shield. ... All right? You're supposed to stop bombs with your face. ... In other words, they build bombs to protect the people, then use the people to protect the bombs. ... You know, they must be sittin' there, like, "Hey, I have an idea. Why don't you give us tire irons and shoot us out of cannons, y'know? ...

[picks up another copy, folded to an inside page] Here in the national news this Tuesday, the Republicans tried to block Clinton's appointee - appointee as ambassador to Luxembourg 'cause he's gay. Now, this is sad. First of all, why pick on the guy, right? He's the ambassador of Luxembourg -- you know? ... You think they didn't know that when they suggested him? You know, they're in the room, like, "Hey, listen, we got this gay ambassador. What do you want to do with him?" "Ah, put him into Luxembourg. They're not gonna do anything about it, y'know?" ... It's no big deal to have a gay ambassador anyway. Don't the English always have those effete, alcoholic ambassadors down there in the West Indies? Y'know, you got the guy in the white suit who drinks mint juleps and tells Joe Orton stories. ... [crosses legs, pretends to smoke a cigarette] He just sits there going, [affected British accent] "Oh, this wretched island! This wretched, wretched little island!" .. Y'know? ...

By the way, this gay ambassador is the heir to the Hormel meatpacking dynasty. Now, I know you're thinking, "Oh, don't go for a cheap gay meatpacker joke." ... Let me tell ya somethin'. Let me tell ya somethin'. Even his gay friends make that joke, okay? ... It's right there. You can't help it. To avoid it would be more condescending than makin' it. ... Now ... [applause] Thank you.

[picks up another copy, folded to an inside page] Now on Thursday in the business section, we have this story: "Newcourt Credit of Canada agreed to acquire AT&T Capital, a spinoff controlled by a unit of Nomura Securities of Japan for one point six billion, creating one of the biggest non-bank lenders." Now, I don't know what that means, you don't know what that means. You say, "Who cares?" ... Right? And then you wake up one morning and a can of soup is eight bucks, all right? ... Then you care. ...

So, you need to read the Times because of things like that. You know the difference. You see the guy on the train, he's got the Times, he's wearin' a London Fog, he's got on a six hundred dollar watch, the headline says "Senate Subcommittee meets House Judiciary" -- meanwhile, you're standing next to him in a Hard Rock Cafe bomber jacket ... you're reading the Post, you're lookin' at a picture of a naked woman makin' out with a robot, right? ... So, you can keep not readin' the Times but then you have only yourself to blame when you get into one of those political arguments with your friends - about the American reacquisition of the F-1 bombers. They're all spouting facts - and the only thing you can think of is one of Val Kilmer's speeches from Top Gun. ...

I'm Colin Quinn, good night, thank you. Thank ah!

[Cheers and applause, music, graphic, pull back, lights dim, fade out.]


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