Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 7








97g: Mayor Rudolph Giuliani / Sarah McLachlan

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

.....Norm MacDonald
Cinder Calhoun.....Ana Gasteyer
.....Sarah McLachlan

[ Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MACDONALD ]

Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk. ]

Norm MacDonald: Thanks, I'm Norm Macdonald. Now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

This week, the Clinton White House angrily denied charges that burial plots in Arlington National Cemetery were being handed out as political favors. Although, Presidential Spokesman Mike McCurry did acknowledge that it is not easy to explain the Tomb of the Unknown Asian Contributor. ...

This week, an angry President Clinton demanded that Congress stop dragging its feet on something he has long championed -- a Medical Bill of Rights for U.S. citizens. In all, there are ten items in the President's Bill of Rights, running from Number One: A rich satisfying sex life is the foundation of good health" ... to Number Ten: "A straight penis is not a privilege -- it is a right!" ...

Toymaker Mattel has decided to give its Barbie doll a new and less curvaceous body. This in response to criticism that Barbie's current measurements, if she were six feet tall, would read an unrealistic 38-18-34. Feminists are applauding the move but, personally, I think that instead of all this petty tinkering with measurements, they should just make her six feet tall. ... [ applause ]

Speaking of toys, this year's survey of the ten most dangerous toys has been released. Topping the list this year: Tyco's new Throat Clogger Upper. ...

The FDA is considering approval of a new highly effective treatment for baldness. The drug, Propecia, has been shown in trials to grow thick, luxuriant hair. Although, there is a downside. It only works on ears, noses and backs. ...

In next week's Life magazine, pop star Michael Jackson appears in a pictorial with his infant son. The photos show Jackson changing, feeding and cradling the baby boy, in what Jackson himself promises will be Life magazine's sexiest issue ever. ...

First Lady Hillary Clinton has been out of the country this week, visiting the remote region of Siberia. Said the President, quote, "When the cat's away, the mice-- Ah, who am I kiddin'? The mouse screws plenty of women even when the cat's right here." ... [ applause ]

Has the lure of the almighty dollar finally made us forget the true meaning of Christmas? Well, in my opinion, the answer is yes -- when you consider that it's not even Thanksgiving but the Christmas issue of Black Tail magazine is already on newsstands. [ Cover of magazine with half-naked women wearing Santa Claus hats ] ... Shame on you, people at Black Tail magazine. ...

Wednesday on CBS' "This Morning" program, correspondent Eleanor Mondale went toy shopping with Kato Kaelin. According to producers, it was part of a new segment on the show called "Let's Punish the Audience." ...

Well, now there is finally a matchmaking service for dogs. At "Happy Animals," matchmakers guarantee to find your dog a perfect mate based on height, weight, age and breed. So far, the dog dating service has had a one hundred percent success rate because, according to its founders, any dog will have sex with any other dog. ...

An extremely rare albino lobster found recently in Maine will not end up on a dinner table but will instead live out its days in a private aquarium. The lobster's already been flown from Casco Bay to Texas -- where it will be lovingly cared for by rock legend Johnny Winter. [ Photo of the long-haired albino guitarist ] ...

I'd like now to make a correction to a story that we reported earlier tonight. It seems that the Christmas issue of Black Tail is not yet available on newsstands. I'm sorry. So far, it's only gone out to those of us who subscribe. ... Our apologies to the editors of Black Tail and -- keep up the good work, boys! ...

On Wednesday, NASA launched the space shuttle Columbia on its eighty-seventh voyage. This trip by the shuttle will feature the first space walk ever by a Japanese astronaut who will get to take in the unique perspective of Earth from space. Gee, I wonder if there's any chance he'll, uh, take a picture. ...

Norm Macdonald: Well, tonight's musical guest, Sarah McLachlan, organized last week's-- last summer's, rather, Lilith Festival, the largest collection of female singers ever to tour together. Their opening act was stand-up comic Cinder Calhoun. Please welcome groundbreaking female artists Sarah McLachlan and Cinder Calhoun. [ cheers and applause ]

Cinder Calhoun: Thanks, Norm. Um, as Sarah knows, I'm still not really comfortable with the term stand-up comic. I, um, I really consider myself more of a weaver of satiric truths in the, uh, tradition of the great Appalachian humorists, so, uh... yeah.

Norm Macdonald: Well, Sarah, how did you discover, uh, Cinder, here?

Sarah McLachlan: Actually, it's a pretty funny story.

Cinder Calhoun: Yeah, we were, um, we were hanging out one night backstage with Alanis Morissette at the, uh, Follow Your Bliss Tibetan freedom concerts and everyone was in kind of a real like giddy slaphappy mood 'cause I was on a roll telling some pretty righteously funny [ exaggerated Spanish accent ] Guatemalan animal riddles ... um, that I, uh, I had heard from a [ exaggerated accent ] Latina friend. ... And, uh, Alanis was like totally stumped by the one about the trickster owl and the hungry bird and she goes "I don't get it" and I looked at Sarah and I just go "Alanis, [ singing ] you you you oughta know."

Sarah McLachlan: And I laughed so hard the baba ganoush I was eating came out of my nose.

Cinder Calhoun: It was unbelievable. It was unreal.

Norm Macdonald: So I guess that's the point you realized you were hittin' somethin' big here?

Sarah McLachlan: Oh, yeah. I got her for the tour right away.

Norm Macdonald: So you guys gonna do some of your comedy for us tonight?

Cinder Calhoun: Um, actually, Norm, Sarah and I feel that we'd be really remiss if we didn't use this platform to address an issue tonight. Um, we were at a Maya Angelou poetry reading, um, last night with Fiona Apple. ... She is so wise. Um. ... Yeah.

Sarah McLachlan: Well, we were discussing the ritual torture and senseless slaughters of turkeys in the name of the gluttonous, nationalistic, patriarchal holiday that we call Thanksgiving.

Cinder Calhoun: [ increasingly emotional ] Right, and the sickest thing that Fiona told us is, apparently, that one company has a 1-800 number that gives out cooking tips and recipes encouraging the mutilation and consumption of these beautiful birds! [ gasps ]

Sarah McLachlan: [ comforting Cinder ] Will you be okay?

Cinder Calhoun: Yeah. So um, we wrote a song about it, um, for all the turkeys out there who celebrate Thanksgiving. [ Sarah and Cinder are handed acoustic guitars ] It's called "Basted in Blood." ...

Cinder & Sarah: [ playing guitars, singing ]
"We gather together for yams, beans, and cranberry sauce.
But have you given much thought lately to the Turkey Holocaust?
Twenty million noble birds slaughtered every fall.
Ain't no difference between Hitler, Stalin -- and the folks at Butterball!
Butterba-a-a-a-ll!!

[ Briefly cut wide to reveal Norm glancing around skeptically. ]

Cinder & Sarah: [ playing guitars, singing ]
So set your tables, America, from Birmingham to Branson.
But when you carve that turkey you're a finger-licking Charlie Manson.
Enjoy your pumpkin pie, your buttery Idaho spud.
Grandma's chestnut stuffing, and a turkey basted in blood...

Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!
Basted in blood! Basted in blood!"


[ Huge cheers and applause. ]

Norm MacDonald: [ about to chew on a turkey leg ] Cinder Calhoun and Sarah MacLachlan -- [ puts away the turkey leg ] -- everybody! Thanks. Thanks, Cinder Calhoun and Sarah MacLachlan. ... [ to the crowd ] I wonder if Cinder is related to Haystack Calhoun? ... Okay, folks. That's it! Good night! [ Pull back and dissolve to WU graphic. Music. Cheers and applause. Fade. ]


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