Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

The Quiet Storm

Chris "Champagne" Garnett....Tim Meadows
Larry Unhower....Nathan Lane
Black lover slow dancing....Tracy Morgan

[Opens with a black couple slow dancing in a room lit with candles listening to mellow r&b music over the radio]

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: [suave mellow voice over the radio] That's right. Wrap your hands around your sweet lady and whisper secret words in her ears cause is that time where gentle caresses turns into sweet lovemaking. [cut to Chris on his radio booth, headphones, dark sunglasses] I'm your Deejay Chris "Champagne" Garnett and you're listening to "The Quiet Storm." [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect] Right now we got some "Keith Sweat" coming at ya'. Because it is time to sweat between the sheets. Smooth love skin against smooth lover skin. Passionate groans filling the air. Moist, hot. And also by the way, its the third day of Hanukkah. Yeah, so make sure you light another candle and then get down, here on "The Quiet Storm." [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect] And while you hold your lover in a passionate embrace of gentle kisses and sweet promises, whisper in her ear that Patterson Construction is offering 30 % discount on brick face and stucco. Yeah, brick face, stucco, Hanukkah and sweet lovemaking. Here on "The Quiet Storm." [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

[A man is seen behind Chris looking for something on a shelf]

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: Yeah, well, well...looks like Larry Unhower, the host of our mid-day easy-listening program "Afternoon Delight" has just stepped into the booth.

Larry Unhower: Hello Chris. Don't mind me. I'm just looking for my Anne Murray boxset.

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: I think I threw that out, man.

Larry Unhower: Oh, that's quite all right. Hey, I just had a wacky idea. Maybe I'll join you for a few tunes. It'll be fun![sits, puts on headphones]

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: Well, that is certainly a wacky idea but I don't think that's really necessary...

Larry Unhower: This is Larry Unhower joining Chris "Champagne" Garnett on "The Quiet Storm." [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: You touch that button again and I'm gonna go Latrell Sprewell on your ass.

Larry Unhower: Oh, take it easy, Chris. And speaking of easy lets hear some "Air Supply" now. "Im all out of love".

[Air Supply song plays, Larry sways to the song] "Im all out of love, I'm so lost without you..."

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: Let's not.[turns it off] Instead lets listen to some "D'Angelo", yeah. [D'Angelo plays] This song goes out to Chanika and G-Dog. G-Dog says he loves you, Chanika. And he wants to get it on even though you're pregnant with Antwone's baby. Here on "The Quiet Storm". [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

Larry Unhower: Well, that's about enough of that![skips record]

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: What the hell are you doing, man?

Larry Unhower: I just wanted to introduce your listeners to a better class of music. Ladies and gentlemen, "Amy Grant".

[Amy grant song plays, Larry snaps his fingers to the song] Amy Grant: "Baby, baby...."

Larry Unhower: This song goes out to Glen and Karen. Glen says he cares about you, Karen. And apologizes for the remarks he made about the matching sweaters here on "Afternoon Delight" [pushes button, birds chirping sound effect]

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: Listen bitch! I will beat your ass so badly you'll be howling in pain and it won't be easy listening. Now here's "Keith Sweat", his newest groove "I need your loving".

[ Chris pushes button and a folk song plays] "Sunshine on my shoulde-e-e-ers...."

Larry Unhower: I took the liberty of re-programming some of the musical selections.

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: Yeah? Well, I took the liberty of purchasing a knife. [pulls out a monster switchblade]

Larry Unhower: What are you doing? Are you crazy?

[cut to the two black lovers slow dancing, Chris and Larry's fight is heard over the radio]

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: No one screws with my show!! You hear me?! Oh, so you have a gun, huh? Tough guy?!

Larry Unhower: That's right! Only one of us is leaving here alive tonight!!

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: Then bring it on!!!

[Couple keeps slow dancing, over the radio we hear furniture crashing and glass breaking and the violent scuffle]

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: Oh! Uff! Got to get my "Peaches and Herb" CD!!

Larry Unhower: Oh!, ah! Never, never! Must play "James Taylor"!!

[3 gunshots. Bang! Bang! Bang!]

[cut back into the radio booth, Chris holds a gun in his hand, Larry is shot in the head, blood on the temple, flat on his face on the console]

Chris "Champagne" Garnett: Yeah, this is Chris "Champagne" Garnett. We got some "Peaches and Herb" comin' at ya'! Also "The Quiet Storm" will be on tomorrow afternoon because I just shot Larry Unhower in the head. Yeah, so grab your lover, hold her tight, because this is "The Quiet Storm". [pushes button, thunder rumbling sound effect]

[Larry's hand moves trying to change the record and Chris pushes his hand away. Chris sways to the music.]

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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