97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica
Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
Officer Lou Costello.....Nathan Lane
[ Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM MACDONALD
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm
MacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, that is
very kind of you. Thanks, I'm Norm MacDonald, now the
fake news. Our top story tonight:
This week, Attorney General Janet Reno announced she
will not name an independent counsel to investigate
campaign fundraising by the president. At a press
conference, she said, quote, "The decision was mine.
It was based on the facts, on the law, not pressure,
not politics, not any other factor." She was then led
away at gunpoint by the First Lady and nine Chinese
Meanwhile, President Clinton was in Akron, Ohio this
week presiding at a town meeting about race relations
in America. The President chose Akron as the site of
the meeting partly because it is the home of the
Coming Together Project, an organized effort to end
racism, and partly because it is the home of Susan
Rosenberg, an old classmate from Oxford the President
still has sex with. [ Photo of unattractive woman.
The trial of Unabomber suspect Ted Kacynzski,
underway. His lawyers are making arrangements now to
move their client's 10 by 12-foot shack into the
courtroom. After the trial, the cabin will be
carefully repacked and moved to Hollywood where it
will serve as home to actor Mickey Rourke.
Well, a sad story from Britain this week. According to
the Earl of Spencer, several intruders have recently
broken into his family estate in search of souvenirs
from Princess Diana's grave. But the Earl says he
knows just how to protect the site. Landmines!
[ applause ]
This week in the former Soviet Union, an American
engineer for a San Diego-based company was arrested
and charged with spying for the United States. Russian
authorities say he was caught attempting to smuggle
out their secret formula for alcoholism and
A new study has found that Americans are in the best
of health, and the worst of health, with lifespans
that can differ by as much as forty years from one
U.S. locality to another. The longest lifespans are
found in Sterns County, Minnesota, while the shortest
lifespans are found in Drunkdriverville, New Jersey. [
Photo of sign that reads "Welcome To Drunkdrivingville
pop. 33,000" ]
In January, production will begin on the seventh
season of MTV's "The Real World." The seven young
people appearing in the series will represent
different backgrounds, ages, religions and sexual
orientations. However, this year, they will share one
trait in common -- I will hate them. [ applause
In Maryland, Bell Atlantic plans to offer a service
that would allow customers to learn the address of any
listed telephone number in the state. Critics say the
service would be an invasion of privacy, while
proponents of the plan say it will help them invade
On "Tom Snyder" this week, actor Tony Danza said he
thought the recent open display of affection by
lesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche in front
of President Clinton was "extremely disrespectful."
On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded,
"Someone should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up!"
Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny
G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for
forty-five minutes. While he did warn spectators that
it would be quite boring, it should be noted, that it
is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play
different saxophone notes - for forty-five
Norm MacDonald: Well, earlier this week, folks,
police made a gruesome discovery in the closet of a
Bronx apartment -- the body of an elderly woman. The
woman had been dead for some time, and her corpse had,
in fact, been mummified. Here with more on this case,
is the policeman who discovered the body, Officer Lou
Costello. [ applause for a nervous, chubby uniformed
policeman with his cap askew ] Now, Officer Costello,
why don't you tell the folks here what
Officer Lou Costello: Well... [ starts to pant,
wheeze and gasp ]
Norm MacDonald: Okay, now listen! Now listen!
Pull - pull - pull yourself together! These - these
people don't want to hear that nonsense! They-- [
cheers and applause ] This is ridiculous. Completely
ridiculous! These people have no reason to hear this.
They want to hear about the mummified corpse.
Officer Lou Costello: [ pants and gasps further
Norm MacDonald: Now, don't be ridiculous! Now,
listen, listen, let me put it this way.. you're an
officer of the law, aren't you?
Officer Lou Costello: Of course.
Norm MacDonald: And, you must have written a
report, a police report.
Officer Lou Costello: Why, certainly..
Norm MacDonald: Well, then why don't you tell
the people what you wrote in the police
Officer Lou Costello: Well, my partner Chick
and I went into the apartment, and I smelled
something. I - I smelled it and it was comin' from the
bedroom. So, I went in there, and I opened the
closet, and inside there was a.. [ pants, wheezes,
gasps ] ..a muh-muh-muh.. a mummy!
Norm MacDonald: What are you talking about?
Your mother was in the closet? What was she doing
Officer Lou Costello: Not my mummy. A
muh-muh-muh... [ pants and wheezes ]
Norm MacDonald: All right, come on now! [ slaps
him hard in the face ] Pull yourself together! You're
an officer of the law, for God's sake! What are you
getting so excited for?
Officer Lou Costello: I'm a-scared!
Norm MacDonald: Ahhh... well, this is
ridiculous! All right, forget this! We're getting
Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You're
Norm MacDonald: Let me ask you this. [ some
applause for the ad-lib; Norm, highly amused, must
pause to gather himself ]
Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You know -
you know, that's why Bud and I broke up, he hit him
Norm MacDonald: [ laughs ] Now, let me ask you
this, now, finally, Officer Costello.
Officer Lou Costello: Yes?
Norm MacDonald: Now, the 70th Precinct, that's
your precinct, the precinct you work in - it has
recently been accused of brutalizing suspects, and
then maintaining a police code of silence. Now, now,
let me ask you this, Officer Costello: were you
involved in this?
Officer Lou Costello: I'm a bad
Norm MacDonald: Oh, Lord. Officer Lou
Costello, everyone. That's ridiculous! [ to Lou ]
That's ridiculous! [ Officer Lou starts beating Norm
with his police cap as Norm breaks character] And
that's the news, folks! [ Norm cracks up and recoils
as Lou beats him ] What are you doing?!?
[ Applause. Music. Title card. Fade. ]