Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 23: Episode 8

97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

.....Norm MacDonald
Officer Lou Costello.....Nathan Lane


Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[ Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk. ]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you, that is very kind of you. Thanks, I'm Norm MacDonald, now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

This week, Attorney General Janet Reno announced she will not name an independent counsel to investigate campaign fundraising by the president. At a press conference, she said, quote, "The decision was mine. It was based on the facts, on the law, not pressure, not politics, not any other factor." She was then led away at gunpoint by the First Lady and nine Chinese guys.

Meanwhile, President Clinton was in Akron, Ohio this week presiding at a town meeting about race relations in America. The President chose Akron as the site of the meeting partly because it is the home of the Coming Together Project, an organized effort to end racism, and partly because it is the home of Susan Rosenberg, an old classmate from Oxford the President still has sex with. [ Photo of unattractive woman. ]

The trial of Unabomber suspect Ted Kacynzski, underway. His lawyers are making arrangements now to move their client's 10 by 12-foot shack into the courtroom. After the trial, the cabin will be carefully repacked and moved to Hollywood where it will serve as home to actor Mickey Rourke.

Well, a sad story from Britain this week. According to the Earl of Spencer, several intruders have recently broken into his family estate in search of souvenirs from Princess Diana's grave. But the Earl says he knows just how to protect the site. Landmines! [ applause ]

This week in the former Soviet Union, an American engineer for a San Diego-based company was arrested and charged with spying for the United States. Russian authorities say he was caught attempting to smuggle out their secret formula for alcoholism and despair.

A new study has found that Americans are in the best of health, and the worst of health, with lifespans that can differ by as much as forty years from one U.S. locality to another. The longest lifespans are found in Sterns County, Minnesota, while the shortest lifespans are found in Drunkdriverville, New Jersey. [ Photo of sign that reads "Welcome To Drunkdrivingville pop. 33,000" ]

In January, production will begin on the seventh season of MTV's "The Real World." The seven young people appearing in the series will represent different backgrounds, ages, religions and sexual orientations. However, this year, they will share one trait in common -- I will hate them. [ applause ]

In Maryland, Bell Atlantic plans to offer a service that would allow customers to learn the address of any listed telephone number in the state. Critics say the service would be an invasion of privacy, while proponents of the plan say it will help them invade people's privacy.

On "Tom Snyder" this week, actor Tony Danza said he thought the recent open display of affection by lesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche in front of President Clinton was "extremely disrespectful." On hearing the comment, President Clinton responded, "Someone should tell Tony Danza to shut the hell up!" [applause]

Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for forty-five minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted, that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes - for forty-five minutes.

Norm MacDonald: Well, earlier this week, folks, police made a gruesome discovery in the closet of a Bronx apartment -- the body of an elderly woman. The woman had been dead for some time, and her corpse had, in fact, been mummified. Here with more on this case, is the policeman who discovered the body, Officer Lou Costello. [ applause for a nervous, chubby uniformed policeman with his cap askew ] Now, Officer Costello, why don't you tell the folks here what happened?

Officer Lou Costello: Well... [ starts to pant, wheeze and gasp ]

Norm MacDonald: Okay, now listen! Now listen! Pull - pull - pull yourself together! These - these people don't want to hear that nonsense! They-- [ cheers and applause ] This is ridiculous. Completely ridiculous! These people have no reason to hear this. They want to hear about the mummified corpse.

Officer Lou Costello: [ pants and gasps further ]

Norm MacDonald: Now, don't be ridiculous! Now, listen, listen, let me put it this way.. you're an officer of the law, aren't you?

Officer Lou Costello: Of course.

Norm MacDonald: And, you must have written a report, a police report.

Officer Lou Costello: Why, certainly..

Norm MacDonald: Well, then why don't you tell the people what you wrote in the police report?

Officer Lou Costello: Well, my partner Chick and I went into the apartment, and I smelled something. I - I smelled it and it was comin' from the bedroom. So, I went in there, and I opened the closet, and inside there was a.. [ pants, wheezes, gasps ] ..a muh-muh-muh.. a mummy!
Norm MacDonald: What are you talking about? Your mother was in the closet? What was she doing there?

Officer Lou Costello: Not my mummy. A muh-muh-muh... [ pants and wheezes ]

Norm MacDonald: All right, come on now! [ slaps him hard in the face ] Pull yourself together! You're an officer of the law, for God's sake! What are you getting so excited for?

Officer Lou Costello: I'm a-scared!

Norm MacDonald: Ahhh... well, this is ridiculous! All right, forget this! We're getting nowhere.

Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You're telling me.

Norm MacDonald: Let me ask you this. [ some applause for the ad-lib; Norm, highly amused, must pause to gather himself ]

Officer Lou Costello: [ ad-libs ] You know - you know, that's why Bud and I broke up, he hit him too hard.

Norm MacDonald: [ laughs ] Now, let me ask you this, now, finally, Officer Costello.

Officer Lou Costello: Yes?

Norm MacDonald: Now, the 70th Precinct, that's your precinct, the precinct you work in - it has recently been accused of brutalizing suspects, and then maintaining a police code of silence. Now, now, let me ask you this, Officer Costello: were you involved in this?

Officer Lou Costello: I'm a bad boy!

Norm MacDonald: Oh, Lord. Officer Lou Costello, everyone. That's ridiculous! [ to Lou ] That's ridiculous! [ Officer Lou starts beating Norm with his police cap as Norm breaks character] And that's the news, folks! [ Norm cracks up and recoils as Lou beats him ] What are you doing?!? [ Applause. Music. Title card. Fade. ]

Submitted Anonymously

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