Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 8






97h: Nathan Lane / Metallica

Well Babies Tragedy

Brian Williams.....Will Ferrell
Diane Carbonal.....Ana Gasteyer
Bobbie McCaughey.....Molly Shannon
Kenny McCaughey.....Jim Breuer
President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond
Baby Jessica.....Cheri Oteri
Geraldo Rivera.....Chris Kattan

[ Brian Williams and NBC News interrupt a broadcast of "Jenny" for an important news announcement: ]

Brian Williams: An amazing development, just a few hours ago, in the miraculous story of the McCaughey Septuplets, the first septuplets on record. It appears that the Septuplets have now incredibly become trapped in a well. I repeat, all seven McCaughey babies are now trapped in a well.

[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]

Brian Williams: For more information on what may be the biggest - and coolest - news story ever, we go now to Diane Carbonal with our local NBC affiliate in Des Moines.

Diane: Thank you, Brian. The news that the seven McCaughey babies have fallen into a well came as a shock to all of us. I, myself, exclaimed, "What? You mean those seven babies are stuck in a well? Jackpot!" Now, here to comment, are Kenny and Bobbie McCaughey themselves. [ Kenny and Bobbie step forward ] Mrs. McCaughey, what happened this evening?

Bobbie McCaughey: Well, Kenny and I decided that the babies had been cooped up long enough, so we decided to take a walk. And then, as any mother does, I set my babies on the edge of a well for safe keeping.

Kenny McCaughey: Then, I heard seven splashes. And I said, "No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"

Diane: Any words for the billions of people watching and praying with you?

Kenny McCaughey: Well, we'd like to thank Preston Ropes for their donation of rope.

Diane: A showering of support in this tragic, highly newsworthy, hour. Back to you, Brian.

Brian Williams: I'm Brian Williams, and I'm giving you all the news on the Well Babies Tragedy.

[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]

Brian Williams: God, I love that graphic! Wait.. uh.. I've just been told that President Clinton is about to make a statement on the situation. Let's go now, live, to Washington.

President Bill Clinton: [ Before podium in Washington ] Uh.. I am in favor of, uh, rescuing the babies. Thank you. [ He leaves podium ]

Brian Williams: There you have it - a strong endorsement from President Clinton in this time of crisis. Now back to you, Diane Carbonal, in Des Moines.

Diane: Brian, I've just been told that the Hostess company has donated a pack of Twinkies that they've thrown into the well for the babies to eat. I've also been told that Midas Muffler has begun lowering dozens of mufflers into the well for no apparent reason. Joining me now is an expert on being trapped in a well. You may remember her 1987 ordeal. Baby Jessica.

Baby Jessica: [ Smoking hard on cigarette ] Call me "Pre-Teen" Jessica.

Diane: Jessica, it was ten years ago that you yourself were trapped in a well. Can you offer any advice to the septuplets?

Baby Jessica: First off, don't lose your cool. You're in a well, so deal with it. Okay, secondly, when you get out, finish school! You can only ride the well thing for so long.

Diane: Thank you, Jessica. [ Jessica runs off, the sound of helicopters can be heard ] Brian, there appears to be a helicopter landing, of some kind. It might be more rescue workers.

Geraldo Rivera: [ Enters scene ] Geraldo Rivera here, the newest member of NBC News, reporting on the Well Babies. We can only hope, and pray..

Brian Williams: Keep Rivera away, Diane. That bastard doesn't deserve to hold an NBC microphone. The Well Babies are mine!

Diane: Don't worry, Brian, I'll handle this. [ Distracting Geraldo ] Look, Geraldo, there's O.J.! Go get him! Go get him! Go, Boy! Good boy! [ Geraldo quickly runs off in search of nothing ] Back to you, Brian.

Brian Williams: Well done, kitten. I, I mean, Diane. Once again, if you're just joining us, the Septuplets are trapped in a well.

[ GRAPHIC: WELL BABIES TRAGEDY. SOUND: water splashing, babies crying. ]

Brian Williams: Damn, that's a kick-ass graphic! You know what else kicks ass? The fact that my career is taking off as we speak. Tom Brokaw, if you're watching out there, don't even think about trying to get me out from behind this desk, old man! I've got the Well Babies, and I'm here for the long haul. I've got a bag of Snickers and a Piss Jar under this desk, so.. Oh, no, I-I've just been told that the Septuplets are close to being freed. This can't happen! This story is all I have! I-I-I'm not going to be another Arthur Kent! Diane, is there anything you can do to stop them?

Diane: I'm afraid not, Brian. Apparently, the well was only four feet deep. This story appears to be coming to a close, as rescue workers have just retrieved all seven babies unharmed. Mrs. McCaughey, any words in this great, great moment of joy?

Bobbie McCaughey: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!


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