Christmas Caroling With The Culps

Marty Culp.....Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp.....Ana Gasteyer
Senor Franklin.....Tim Meadows
Connie Davenport.....Helen Hunt



[ open on interior, household foyer during Christmas - the doorbell rings, a hand reaches out to open the door, revealing Marty and Bobby Mohan-Culp at the door with a keyboard ]

Culps: [ singing ]
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la!"


[ the door is shut ]

Marty Culp: Wo wo wo wo wo! [ pushes the door back open ] Jesse? You probably don't recognize us! I'm Marty Culp.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And I'm Bobbie Mohan-Culp. We were your music teachers back at Altadina Middle School.

Marty Culp: Yeah. Yeah. It probably feels like ancient history to Jesse here - he's already a sophomore at Vasser.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [ laughs ] Oh, gosh, Jesse, it looks like your family's in the middle of a Christmas bash.. But you are the last house on our annual caroling tour.

Marty Culp: And we knew your parents always get a real charge out of our holiday house call.. Hi, Eileen! Oh.. she's moving real fast there!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Those quiches look real good!

Marty Culp: They sure look good, yeah..

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Listen, Jesse.. we've been caroling for seven hours. Could we maybe just use your facilities..?

[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it back open in time ]

Marty Culp: Yeah, you're right.. it's probably better that we stay out here, if you've got a house full of people in there!

Senor Franklin: Heads up! entering the caroling zone!

Never fear, the tenor section's here!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Oh, the gang's all here! Jesse, I'm sure you remember your old Spanish teacher - Senor Franklin.

Senor Franklin: Feliz navidad, Jesse!

Marty Culp: And, of course, Connie Davenport, the only typing teacher around who knows all the words to every Gilbert & Sullivan operetta.

Connie Davenport: Sorry, Jesse, we took so long. Your rottweiler really took a liking to my 19th Century cape.

Senor Franklin: Well, I have to admit, Connie - it does smell a little like bacon!

Connie Davenport: It's a rental.

Marty Culp: It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Connie Davenport: Boy, that wind chill is really starting to kick in..!

[ the door is closed, but Marty pushes it open again ]

Marty Culp: Boy.. no room at the inn, huh?

Senor Franklin: Looks like Jesse wants us to sing for our supper! [ camera moves back and forth "no" ]

Marty Culp: No? Oh. Well.. uh.. let's get the carols cooking. Uh.. Jesse, real quick bathroom break? [ camera moves back and forth "no" ] No?

Connie Davenport: Maybe you'll change your mind after we make you a musical snowman, and stuff your stocking with a lump of funk!

Marty Culp: Sounds good to me. 1, 2, 3, 4! [ plays the keyboard ]

Men: "Jingle bells, jingle all the..
Jingle bells, jingle all the.."


Connie Davenport: "Jing-jing-jing that bell.
Jing-jing-jing that bell."


Bobbi Mohan-Culp: "You can ring my be-e-ell!"

All: Ring-ding-ding.. ding-a-ling-a-ling!"

"Angels we have heard on high, seetly singing o'er the plains.
Glo-o-o-o-o-ria!"
Men: "Gloria!"

Woman: "G-L-O-R-I-A!"


Men: "Gloria!"

Woman: "G-L-O-R-I-A!"

Men: "Gloria!"

[ the door is pushed closed, but they all push it back open and change their tune ]

Men: "It came upon a midnight..

Women: "Midnight at the oasis."

Men: "Send your camels to bed."

Women: "We don't need no camels."

Men: "No, no."

All: "'Cause the Christ child's in our hands!
'Cause the Christ child's in our hands!"


Women: "Silent night, holy night.."

Men: "Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Letters I've written."


Connie Davenport: "Never meaning to send."

All: "On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two turtle doves..
This is what it sounds like, when doves cry!
Do-do-do-do!
Do do-do-do-do!
Do do-do-do-do!

Here we come a-wassailin' among the leaves so green
Here we come a.. sailing, take me away to where I'm going.."


Senor Franklin: "And so, I hope I'm offering this simple phrase.."

All: "..to kids from 1 to..
99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont
Jeder war ein grosser Krieger


Marty Culp: "Hielten sich fuer Captain Kirk!"

All: "Merry Christmas.. to.."
[ the door closes again ]

Connie Davenport: No, no, no.. wait, wait, wait.. [ pushes it open once more ] .."Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!


SNL Transcripts