The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps.....Tim Meadows
Charlene.....Helen Hunt
Caller #1.....Will Ferrell
Caller #2.....Colin Quinn

Leon: As you all noticed, it is the holiday season, and no one should spend the holidays alone, and that is why I'd like to introduce a lady who has meant so very much to me in my life. I met her last night at my regular fine buffet house. The place we like to call Tops & Tails. Uh, she is a dancer by trade, but she only takes off the top part of her clothes, so she is one of the classier naked ladies down there, you know? So, uh, welcome to The Ladies Man, Charlene. Now, is this your first time on TV?

Charlene: Well, no. I appeared on the show "Cops" before, but this is the first time I've been on TV where my face has not been digitally blurred. [ She drinks Leon's Courvoisier throughout the show ]

Leon: [ chuckling ] Alright, then! Well, that is alright. Alright, now, you go ahead and, uh, help yourself to that, uh, Cognac, if you want. But remember, that Courvoisier does not grow on vines, okay? Alright. Okay, now let's get started. We got a caller. Go ahead, caller.

Caller #1: Yes, uh, Ladies Man. I-I have a problem. I'm having a hard time finding the right lady. I-I've dated a few, but none of them are hot enough. I've got to have a HOT lady.

Leon: [ laughing ] Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah! Uh, might I suggest that you try lowering your standards, you know? Because, really, we all would like to date a supermodel, or a fine lady, like, uh, Delta Burke. You know? But, uh, that may not always be possible, and that is why God invented the skank.

Charlene: Hi!

Leon: Okay? So, next caller?

Caller #2: Hi. Ladies Man? I'm having trouble being confident with woman, because I think I might be a little.. physically.. you know, inadequate.

Leon: Inadequate, yeah.. Now, what is that?

Caller #2: Inferior. You know. I'm concerned about the size of my penis.

Leon: Oh-h-h, okay, yeah, now that's alright, don't worry. The Ladies Man is here to help you. Now, um, medically speaking, just how dinky is your wang?

Caller #2: That's not very medical.. Uh, two-and-a-half to three inches.

Leon: Oh, yeah, that is small. Yeah, uh, you know, I was not expecting you to say anything under ten or eleven inches.

Charlene: It's like a little kid's weiner you got there!

Leon: [ laughing ] Uh, she is right, Sir. But, um, maybe, uh, this will help your plight, Sir. Uh, I have heard that the size does not matter to most women. Isn't that right, Charlene?

Charlene: NO!

Leon: Well, I guess I was wrong, so I guess you can never really ever pleasure a woman, Caller. And I'm sorry for that, but, uh, here's to you and your dinky wang, dinky wang man! [ Caller #2 hangs up abruptly ] Alright, then, thank you for calling, Caller. I'm glad that we could help. [ Charlene pulls a bottle of Nyquil out of her purse and pours it into her glass of Courvoisier. Leon examines the empty bottle. ] Uh, say, Charlene, did you drink all this Courvoisier?

Charlene: [ gasping ] No! Yes! Yes, I did.

Leon: Mmm. Okay, then.. well, I guess that means that we are out of time here on the Ladies Man. Which makes me kind of curious - um, Charlene, what are your plans for the evening?

Charlene: You said you were going to take me to dinner and a movie tonight, Leon.

Leon: Oh yeah.. well, um.. when I said "dinner", what I meant was, uh, we'd be having sex. And, uh, when I said "movie", I meant we'd be videotaping it.

Charlene: Sounds good to me!

Leon: Alright, then! Well, then, Leon Phellps is all set. I hope that this holiday season, uh, you are as fine and set up as me [ he rubs on Charlene ], Leon Phellps, the Ladies Man!

SNL Transcripts