97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson
Helen Hunt’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen - Helen Hunt!
[ Cheers and applause from audience. ]
Helen Hunt: Thank you very much. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! This has been a really exciting week. Tonight, I’m fulfilling a lifelong, personal dream: getting to work with Hanson! In fact - in fact - few people don’t know this but I’m actually the oldest Hanson!
[ CUT TO: A manipulated photo of Helen rehearsing with Hanson. ]
Helen Hunt (V/O): Can you see it? I bet you can.
[ Back to Home Base. ]
Helen Hunt: I’m also excited because my new movie, “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson, opens next week. It was so amazing working with him -
[ Jim Breuer bursts onto Home Base. ]
Jim Breuer: “Wait till they get a load of me!”
[ He places his arm around Helen. ]
Jim Breuer: “Here’s Johnny!”
Helen Hunt: Jim Breuer, everybody! Yes, that’s good.
[ Jim removes his arm to compose himself. ]
Jim Breuer: “You know, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!”
Helen Hunt: Yes, yes, that’s great! It’s a really good Nicholson impersonation -
Jim Breuer: “Wendy...”
Helen Hunt: Never heard one of those ones before...
Jim Breuer: “Give me the bat!”
Helen Hunt: Yeah, okay, but the thing was, I was -
Jim Breuer: “You didn’t let me finish!”
Helen Hunt: Jim, please, you obviously respect...
Jim Breuer: “I said, I’m not going to hurt you!”
Helen Hunt: ...Jack Nicholson and so do I, that’s great, but...
Jim Breuer: “WENDY!”
Helen Hunt: ...I don’t know that now’s a great time to be doing this.
Jim Breuer: “Give me the bat, Wendy!”
Helen Hunt: Okay! We get it, Jim. You can do Nicholson!
Jim Breuer: “WENDY!”
[ Darrell Hammond joins in. ]
Darrell Hammond: “Wait till they get a load of me!”
Helen Hunt: That’s great Darrell! That’s great!
Darrell Hammond: Hi, Helen!
Helen Hunt: Hi, yeah...
Darrell Hammond: “I’m just your typical, horny little devil!”
Helen Hunt: Sounded more like Christian Slater, but...
Darrell Hammond: What?
Jim Breuer: “I am not an animal! I’m a human being for crying out loud!”
Helen Hunt: What are you doing!?
Jim Breuer: It’s Jack Nicholson from “The Elephant Man.”
Helen Hunt: Nicholson was not even in that movie!
Jim Breuer: Oh, yes he was!
Helen Hunt: Okay, let’s not argue.
[ Colin Quinn joins in. ]
Colin Quinn: Helen, ask me what I had for lunch today.
Helen Hunt: No!
Colin Quinn: Come on, just ask me...
Helen Hunt: Fine. What did you have for lunch today?
[ Colin holds his hair as if it were slicked like Nicholson. ]
Colin & Helen: “I had a chicken salad sandwich!”
Helen Hunt: Yes. Somehow, I thought maybe you’d be above this. Silly me.
[ Cheri Oteri joins in. ]
Cheri Oteri: Hi, Helen! You look nice.
[ Cheri holds her bangs back. ]
Cheri Oteri: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!”
Helen Hunt: Not you, too! How could this happen?
[ Tim Meadows joins in. ]
Tim Meadows: Hey, Helen! Check this out...
[ Tim places his hand on his forehead. ]
Tim Meadows: “Here’s Johnny!”
Helen Hunt: Yeah, yeah, that’s great! Because that’s really gonna fool him!
Cast: [repeatedly] “Here’s Johnny!”
Helen Hunt: Okay, the thing is...
[ The spotlight shines on the host entrance as Nicholson himself emerges. The audience goes into hysterics upon seeing the Oscar-winning actor. ]
Jack Nicholson: Why don’t, why -
[ The audience continues to cheer and applause Jack. ]
Jack Nicholson: Thank you. Why don’t you leave this nice lady alone?
Helen Hunt: You know, Jack? Thank God! They’ve been assaulting me with horrible Nicholson impressions.
[ Jim brushes Helen aside. ]
Jim Breuer: Excuse me? Mr. Nicholson, how you doing?
[ Jim wags his tongue out of both cockiness and nervousness. ]
Jim Breuer: Jim Breuer here. Just wanted to know - what do you think of my impression?
[ Jack removes his trademark shades. ]
Jack Nicholson: You want to know the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
[ Jim’s jaw drops. He places his hands in his pockets and shies away from Nicholson. ]
Helen Hunt: We got a great show! Hanson is here! So stick around! We’ll be right back!
Submitted by: Cody Downs