Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 9




97i: Helen Hunt / Hanson

The Roxbury Guys

Doug Butabi.....Chris Kattan
Steve Butabi.....Will Ferrell
Woman.....Cheri Oteri
Dr. Udewitz.....Helen Hunt
Udewitz's Husband.....Jack Nicholson

EXT. TIMES SQUARE -- NIGHT

SUPER: Midnight - TIMES SQUARE

EXT. BUTABI CAR -- NIGHT

(Steve Butabi's driving while he and Doug are bopping their heads to "What is Love?" by Haddaway. They high-five one another.)

Doug & Steve: SCORE!

EXT. CHINA CLUB -- NIGHT

SUPER: China Club - 12:15 A.M.

INT. CHINA CLUB

(Clubgoers dance to "What is Love?" They filter out to reveal Doug and Steve standing at the bar. They turn around, both smoking cigarettes. Both dust their noses and at once, put the lighted ends of their cigarettes against each other's chest. Both extinguish their cigarettes fast and glance at the crowd.)

Doug: Hey! You want to dance? You want to...

(Doug trots to the crowd.)

Doug: You don't? You're okay? Okay. Don't worry about it.

(Doug turns back to the bar. Steve points to the crowd.)

Steve: You want to dance!? You do? You don't? No? Don't mention it again? Okay!

(A WOMAN strolls by Doug and Steve, who trap her between them.)

Doug: Hey!

Steve: How you doing? What's going on?

(Doug and Steve bounce her between their chests. She struggles, then breaks free.)

Woman: Stop it! Stop it!! Stop it!!!

("What is Love" dies off. The clubgoers halt.)

Woman: Every week I come to this club. And every week, the two of you throw me back and forth like a rag doll! And I'm sick of it!! I am a human being! You could at least have the courtesy to ask me if I want to dance!? Am I right people!?

Clubgoers: Yeah!!!

Woman: Thank you people. Now I don't know what your problem is, but maybe you to should seek some professional help. Start the music!

("What is Love?" resumes. The woman dances off and the clubgoers filter back onto the dance floor.)

EXT. WHITE OFFICE BUILDING -- DAY

SUPER: The Next Day

INT. WHITE OFFICE BUILDING -- DAY

Door reads: DR. NANCY UDEWITZ, PSYCHOLOGIST

INT. DR. UDEWITZ'S OFFICE -- DAY

(A boombox plays "What is Love?" DR. NANCY UDEWITZ analyzes Doug and Steve, who are bopping their heads. Udewitz stops "What is Love?" and Doug and Steve stop headbopping. She then hits the play button and Doug and Steve begin bopping their heads. Dr. Udewitz's stops the music and Doug and Steve freeze.)

Udewitz: Okay. I think I've figured out your problem. Due to your excessive clubbing, and the resulted sensory overload, and intimacy depravation, you've both become desensitized to the people around you, escpecially women. Now the good news is: it's easily treatable and I'd be happy help you out. What do you say?

Steve: You want to dance?

Doug: What's up?

Steve: Maybe later?

Doug: What's up?

Udewitz: Right. Why don't you turn to face each other now? You two need to start a dialogue. Open up. Come on! Talk to each other... talk to each other.

Doug: What's up?

Steve: What's up?

Doug: What going on?

Steve: What's shaking?

Doug: Que pasa?

Steve: Como esta?

Udewitz: All right, that's enough. I think we're making progress.

Doug & Steve: SCORE!

(Doug and Steve high-five each other. Udewitz takes notes.)

INT. WHITE OFFICE BUILDING -- DAY

Door reads: DR. NANCY UDEWITZ, PSYCHOLOGIST

SUPER: One Hour Later

INT. DR. UDEWITZ'S OFFICE -- DAY

("What is Love?" playing. Doug and Steve bounce Udewitz between their chests while dancing.)

Udewitz: Okay, okay, okay!! You need to be more sensitive to a woman more personal space.

(Udewitz pushes Doug and Steve away.)

Udewitz: Better. Now focus. Respect me. You have to let the woman dance with you. Just watch.

(Udewitz slinks her body in rythem to the music. Doug and Steve wrestle with their limbs and pounce upon Dr. Udewitz with bouncing her between their chests. She breaks loose and stops "What is Love" on her boombox.)

Udewitz: Look, if you want to pick-up women in clubs, then I've got news for you: woman have no interest in this whole 'ultra-cool-hey-baby-slick-back-hair-expensive-suit-wearing-dark-sunglasses-image'!

(DR. UDEWITZ'S HUSBAND enters the office.)

Husband: Hey babe! Ready to go!

Udewitz: I'm sorry sweetie. I'm still with patients.

(Mr. and Mrs. Udewitz survey Doug and Steve.)

Husband: Oh, I don't think these boys will mind if they spared you for just a second?

(Mr. and Mrs. Udewitz embrace and lock lips. Mr. Udewitz pulls back. "What is Love?" comes on. Mr. Udewitz bops his head, twirls his body and arms in the air, skips out of the office and shuts the door. Mrs. Udewitz rubs her forehead and exhales.)

Udewitz: Thanks a lot. Now we've made a lot of progress today. Now do you think you two are ready to try clubbing responsibly?

Steve: I think we've got it.

Doug: Yeah, we're good.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE -- NIGHT

SUPER: Times Square Later That Night

EXT. CHINA CLUB -- NIGHT

INT. CHINA CLUB -- NIGHT

("What is Love?" plays. Dancing clubgoers filter out to reveal Doug and Steve, who turn around, wearing sunglasses, and downing a couple of beers. The woman returns and Doug stops here. Both men take off their sunglasses.)

Woman: Oh, no!

Doug: Excuse me, we were wondering if you'd be interested in dancing with us?

Steve: Yes. We'd appreciate it. If it wouldn't be too much trouble?

Woman: Why, of course. Thank you both very much for asking.

Doug: You're welcome.

Steve: The pleasure is ours.

(Doug and Steve nod to one another and begin bouncing the woman between their chests.)

Woman: Okay! All rig-!

The clubgoers filter out onto the dance floor.

THE END.


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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