Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

.....Norm MacDonald
.....Colin Quinn


Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald!

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald, in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]

Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, I'm Norm Macdonald, and now the fake news. Our top story tonight:

This week, following revelations that he lied about his military service, the body of former diplomat and Democratic contributor Larry Lawrence was removed from Arlington Cemetery. Commenting on the affair, an angry President Clinton called it, quote, "The most outrageous deception regarding one's military service since me!" ...

At a press conference this week, FAA officials studying last year's crash of TWA flight 800, announced that they have pinpointed the cause: a frayed wire leading from the jet's fuel tank. According to the investigators, the wire became frayed when it was struck by a missile. ... That'll - that'll fray a wire.

Golden State Warriors star Latrell Sprewell, suspended last week for attacking and choking his coach, has hired attorney Johnnie Cochran to represent him. At a press conference Tuesday, Cochran said his client did not choke his coach, and even offered a reward to help find the real chokers. ... [cheers and applause]

President Clinton met this week with Chinese dissident Wei Jingsheng, a leading advocate of democracy in China, who had been imprisoned and tortured for nearly eighteen years. However, the meeting had to be abruptly cut short when the president learned that Mr. Jingsheng is broke. ... [some applause]

At a congressional hearing this week, Republicans blasted Attorney General Janet Reno for her refusal to investigate White House fundraising. Responding to criticisms, Reno said, "Wow! Some congressmen must really want their homes firebombed and run over by tanks, huh?" ...

Well, our best wishes to North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, who at 76 years old, recently underwent surgery to repair an old knee injury. Doctors say the senator will no longer need his cane for walking but Helms says he will continue to use it to scare off young whippersnappers. ... Nothin' better than a cane to scare off young whippersnappers.

This week, computer hackers broke into Yahoo!, the internet's most popular website, and vowed to unleash a crippling computer virus if a fellow hacker is not released from prison. Experts warn that catching these cyberterrorists will not be an easy task, and may require the cooperation of both nerds AND geeks. ... [some applause]

Well, President Clinton received an early Christmas present this week -- an adorable Labrador puppy. And presidential historians say that it will be good for his image. According to these scholars, in comparison to a male dog, the president's sex life will seem relatively normal. ...

Norm MacDonald: Well, the recent bailout of South Korea by the International Monetary Fund is having ramifications that will be felt globally. Here with a comment is our own Colin Quinn. Hey, Col. [Cheers and applause as we pan over to a drunken Colin Quinn who has loosened his collar and necktie and carries a plastic cup of eggnog.]

Colin Quinn: Thanks, Norm. You know, Norm, the International Monetary Fund is abrout to bring -- about to bring its own type -- [glares at Norm who watches him sadly] What?!

Norm MacDonald: [quietly] You had a little egg nog there, huh, Col?

Colin Quinn: [annoyed] Yes, I had a little egg nog. [tries to continue] The International Monetary Fund -- [abruptly, to Norm] I'm sorry I don't live up to your standards of supposed excellence in how to act. ... My -- I can't -- Ya sit here like its a sophisticated part of the show or something. You know? [drops cup, spills egg nog on desk]

Norm MacDonald: Ah, you seemed to have a little spill there, huh, Col?

Colin Quinn: [while trying to put eggnog back in cup with tiny red cocktail napkin] Sorry your precious little Update desk, from whence the oracle will enlighten us, while all of us -- you sit up on your desk like the anti-hero or some contentious Canadian -- Leonard Cohen as Weekend anchor or something.

Norm MacDonald: Leonard Cohen? I don't even know who that is.

Colin Quinn: [sighs] Don't be ridiculous, Norm. You're a ridiculous person. [stares at Norm, one elbow on desk clutching nearly empty cup of eggnog] ...

Norm MacDonald: Look, Colin, you'd better watch out. You know, if Lorne sees this, you're in big trouble.

Colin Quinn: [laughs] Yeah, we don't want to upset the boss at the office Christmas party. He might not give us our little movie deals like the Roxbury twins or whatever the hell they're supposed to be called.

Norm MacDonald: Okay! All right! That's enough! Get him out of here, guys. Come on.

[Uniformed security guard enters wielding a nightstick, grabs Colin's hair and forces him face down in the desk.]

Colin Quinn: [struggles, face down in eggnog] Get off me! Get him off me, Norm!

Norm MacDonald: No, well, are--?

Colin Quinn: Get him off me!

Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?

Colin Quinn: Get off me!

Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?!

Colin Quinn: Get him off me and I'll tell you!

Norm MacDonald: Well, you just say you're going to stop first.

Colin Quinn: All right, Norm, I'll stop.

Norm MacDonald: [to the guard] All right, let him go.

Colin Quinn: Get him off!

[Guard pulls Colin to his feet and releases him. Colin stands there with eggnog running down his face as the guard exits.]

Colin Quinn: [points an accusing a finger at Norm] You're messed up, Norm! You're bush league, Norm! You're lightweight! [Colin exits.]

Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn, everybody. [Cheers and applause.]

Well, this week, after a Los Angeles restaurant refused to seat him, O. J. Simpson demanded and got five hundred dollars in compensation. In addition, the restaurant must now offer separate "murderer" and "non-murderer" sections. ... [cheers and applause]

[Pie chart graphic of poll results] Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78 percent blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100 percent because the math was done by a woman. ... [crowd groans and boos] For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be, uh, noted that that joke was written by a woman, so-- ... Now, you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? ... No, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women. Tel-- ... [applause]

Tel Aviv's Hard Rock Cafe, which is sandwiched between the sites of two gruesome suicide bombings, has closed due to slumping tourism in Israel. Also contributing to the closing of the Hard Rock: the restaurant's best piece of rock memorabilia is -- [doctored photo of former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger pointing to a mounted ukulele] -- Henry Kissinger's ukulele. So ...

Well, a sad story from the world of entertainment this week. Actor Bob Bell, better known to millions as Bozo the Clown, has died at the age of seventy-five. Commenting on his passing, President Clinton said, quote, "You know, for fifty thousand dollars, he can be buried next to JFK." ...

Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors that actor Don Johnson is dating 71-year-old San Francisco socialite Denise Hale. An observer, who spotted the couple necking in a restaurant, will have trouble getting an erection for the rest of his life. ...

That's the news folks, thanks!

[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie for the last time: not long after, he is abruptly removed from the WU desk by NBC executives who apparently believed, based on ratings, that "Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald" had become too sophisticated for SNL's core audience and reassigned not only Norm but Harvard-educated segment producer Jim Downey. Music, cheers and well-deserved applause as we dissolve to the WU graphic.]

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