Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald
[Music. GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE / NORM
Don Pardo V/O: Weekend Update with Norm
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Norm MacDonald,
in suit and tie, sitting at the WU desk.]
Norm MacDonald: Thank you. Thank you. Thank
you, I'm Norm Macdonald, and now the fake news. Our
top story tonight:
This week, following revelations that he lied about
his military service, the body of former diplomat and
Democratic contributor Larry Lawrence was removed from
Arlington Cemetery. Commenting on the affair, an angry
President Clinton called it, quote, "The most
outrageous deception regarding one's military service
since me!" ...
At a press conference this week, FAA officials
studying last year's crash of TWA flight 800,
announced that they have pinpointed the cause: a
frayed wire leading from the jet's fuel tank.
According to the investigators, the wire became frayed
when it was struck by a missile. ... That'll - that'll
fray a wire.
Golden State Warriors star Latrell Sprewell, suspended
last week for attacking and choking his coach, has
hired attorney Johnnie Cochran to represent him. At a
press conference Tuesday, Cochran said his client did
not choke his coach, and even offered a reward to help
find the real chokers. ... [cheers and
President Clinton met this week with Chinese dissident
Wei Jingsheng, a leading advocate of democracy in
China, who had been imprisoned and tortured for nearly
eighteen years. However, the meeting had to be
abruptly cut short when the president learned that Mr.
Jingsheng is broke. ... [some applause]
At a congressional hearing this week, Republicans
blasted Attorney General Janet Reno for her refusal to
investigate White House fundraising. Responding to
criticisms, Reno said, "Wow! Some congressmen must
really want their homes firebombed and run over by
tanks, huh?" ...
Well, our best wishes to North Carolina Senator Jesse
Helms, who at 76 years old, recently underwent surgery
to repair an old knee injury. Doctors say the senator
will no longer need his cane for walking but Helms
says he will continue to use it to scare off young
whippersnappers. ... Nothin' better than a cane to
scare off young whippersnappers.
This week, computer hackers broke into Yahoo!, the
internet's most popular website, and vowed to unleash
a crippling computer virus if a fellow hacker is not
released from prison. Experts warn that catching these
cyberterrorists will not be an easy task, and may
require the cooperation of both nerds AND geeks. ...
Well, President Clinton received an early Christmas
present this week -- an adorable Labrador puppy. And
presidential historians say that it will be good for
his image. According to these scholars, in comparison
to a male dog, the president's sex life will seem
relatively normal. ...
Norm MacDonald: Well, the recent bailout of
South Korea by the International Monetary Fund is
having ramifications that will be felt globally. Here
with a comment is our own Colin Quinn. Hey, Col.
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to a drunken Colin
Quinn who has loosened his collar and necktie and
carries a plastic cup of eggnog.]
Colin Quinn: Thanks, Norm. You know, Norm, the
International Monetary Fund is abrout to bring --
about to bring its own type -- [glares at Norm who
watches him sadly] What?!
Norm MacDonald: [quietly] You had a little egg
nog there, huh, Col?
Colin Quinn: [annoyed] Yes, I had a little egg
nog. [tries to continue] The International Monetary
Fund -- [abruptly, to Norm] I'm sorry I don't live up
to your standards of supposed excellence in how to
act. ... My -- I can't -- Ya sit here like its a
sophisticated part of the show or something. You know?
[drops cup, spills egg nog on desk]
Norm MacDonald: Ah, you seemed to have a little
spill there, huh, Col?
Colin Quinn: [while trying to put eggnog back
in cup with tiny red cocktail napkin] Sorry your
precious little Update desk, from whence the oracle
will enlighten us, while all of us -- you sit up on
your desk like the anti-hero or some contentious
Canadian -- Leonard Cohen as Weekend anchor or
Norm MacDonald: Leonard Cohen? I don't even
know who that is.
Colin Quinn: [sighs] Don't be ridiculous, Norm.
You're a ridiculous person. [stares at Norm, one elbow
on desk clutching nearly empty cup of eggnog]
Norm MacDonald: Look, Colin, you'd better watch
out. You know, if Lorne sees this, you're in big
Colin Quinn: [laughs] Yeah, we don't want to
upset the boss at the office Christmas party. He might
not give us our little movie deals like the Roxbury
twins or whatever the hell they're supposed to be
Norm MacDonald: Okay! All right! That's enough!
Get him out of here, guys. Come on.
[Uniformed security guard enters wielding a
nightstick, grabs Colin's hair and forces him face
down in the desk.]
Colin Quinn: [struggles, face down in eggnog]
Get off me! Get him off me, Norm!
Norm MacDonald: No, well, are--?
Colin Quinn: Get him off me!
Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?
Colin Quinn: Get off me!
Norm MacDonald: Are you gonna stop?!
Colin Quinn: Get him off me and I'll tell
Norm MacDonald: Well, you just say you're going
to stop first.
Colin Quinn: All right, Norm, I'll stop.
Norm MacDonald: [to the guard] All right, let
Colin Quinn: Get him off!
[Guard pulls Colin to his feet and releases him. Colin
stands there with eggnog running down his face as the
Colin Quinn: [points an accusing a finger at
Norm] You're messed up, Norm! You're bush league,
Norm! You're lightweight! [Colin exits.]
Norm MacDonald: Colin Quinn, everybody. [Cheers
Well, this week, after a Los Angeles restaurant
refused to seat him, O. J. Simpson demanded and got
five hundred dollars in compensation. In addition, the
restaurant must now offer separate "murderer" and
"non-murderer" sections. ... [cheers and applause]
[Pie chart graphic of poll results] Who are safer
drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new
survey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are most
responsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78 percent
blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the
percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100
percent because the math was done by a woman. ...
[crowd groans and boos] For those of you hissing at
that joke, it should be, uh, noted that that joke was
written by a woman, so-- ... Now, you don't know what
the hell to do, do ya? ... No, I'm just kidding, we
don't hire women. Tel-- ... [applause]
Tel Aviv's Hard Rock Cafe, which is sandwiched between
the sites of two gruesome suicide bombings, has closed
due to slumping tourism in Israel. Also contributing
to the closing of the Hard Rock: the restaurant's best
piece of rock memorabilia is -- [doctored photo of
former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger pointing to
a mounted ukulele] -- Henry Kissinger's ukulele. So
Well, a sad story from the world of entertainment this
week. Actor Bob Bell, better known to millions as Bozo
the Clown, has died at the age of seventy-five.
Commenting on his passing, President Clinton said,
quote, "You know, for fifty thousand dollars, he can
be buried next to JFK." ...
Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors that
actor Don Johnson is dating 71-year-old San Francisco
socialite Denise Hale. An observer, who spotted the
couple necking in a restaurant, will have trouble
getting an erection for the rest of his life. ...
That's the news folks, thanks!
[Norm unclasps the microphone from his necktie for the
last time: not long after, he is abruptly removed from
the WU desk by NBC executives who apparently believed,
based on ratings, that "Weekend Update with Norm
MacDonald" had become too sophisticated for SNL's core
audience and reassigned not only Norm but
Harvard-educated segment producer Jim Downey. Music,
cheers and well-deserved applause as we dissolve to
the WU graphic.]