Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

... Colin Quinn
O. J. Simpson ... Tim Meadows

[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We fly into the impenetrable discharge of two smokestacks.]

Announcer: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's "Weekend Update with Colin Quinn."

[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of New York from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / with COLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Studio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WU desk.]

Colin Quinn: Good evening, I'm Colin Quinn. I don't see why there should be any problem.

It was announced this week that NBC will spend thirteen million dollars an episode for the hospital drama "ER." Meanwhile, on the set of "Chicago Hope," the cast is anxiously awaiting the arrival of their new soda machine. ...

[Photo of presidential accuser Paula Jones] Clinton sat across from Paula Jones today, as he gave his deposition in her sexual harassment suit. He said, "I never exposed myself to this woman. The woman I exposed myself to was kind of skanky, with a bad perm." [Photo of a younger, frizzier Paula Jones] ... [applause] Ah!

[Photo of elderly John Glenn] NASA announced that, next fall, former astronaut John Glenn will once again orbit the earth. The senator, now 77, says he's ready for another venture into the unknown. I would say he's pretty close to that anyway. ... He'll be the first man to break his hip in space. ...

FOX got the rights to the NFC, CBS got the rights to the AFC, and NBC retains the rights to all of Ed Marinaro's TV movies. [Photo of former NFL running back turned actor Ed Marinaro] ...

After twenty-seven years of broadcasting "Monday Night Football," Frank Gifford was replaced by Boomer Esiason. Let me tell you something. If you lose your job to a guy named Boomer, you are a Jeff Foxworthy joke waiting to happen. ...

Christian Slater, currently serving a ninety day jail sentence, was released for one night to attend the premiere of his new film, "Hard Rain." Twenty minutes into the movie, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted back to his cell. ... [applause]

[Photos of two crooks] In New York this week, three gunmen stole 1.6 million from the World Trade Center in broad daylight. On their way out, they took their masks off in front of thirty security cameras and then went home and hung out in their neighborhood where they were later arrested. Authorities say they were easy to spot because of their distinctive walk -- caused by their huge balls. ... [applause] On a true personal note, these guys grew up in my neighborhood. I knew these guys. I went to school with one of these guys -- the one that went to school. But, you know ... The years go by, you lose touch, you go your separate ways, but it all works out -- here we are all these years later working together on TV. ... I knew them, I swear.

South Korea elected a Roman Catholic President last week. You know what that means: no dog on Friday. ... [groans] Ah, I guess I won't be going to my local deli tonight for anything.

Saw the Spice Girls on "Letterman" -- they had backup singers. Hey, I don't want to judge anybody but if there are five of you and you just sing and don't play instruments and you need backup singers -- there's something wrong. ... [applause]

[Headline: "Walter E. Diemer; Inventor of Bubble Gum"] The inventor of bubble gum died this week. His body was found stuck under a movie seat. ... [Colin is momentarily confused by a switch of cameras] Oh!

Karla Faye Tucker is scheduled to be the first woman in this century to be executed. This woman committed murders with a pickax and said she had an orgasm every time she struck. First of all, I'm sure she was faking some of those. ... Second of all, you have to feel bad for this woman 'cuz I read in the L.A. Times she was a runaway, she had a drug habit when she was ten, and she toured with the Allman Brothers when she was thirteen. I mean, think about that, all right? You're thirteen years old, you still smell like baby powder, you're suppose to be playin' "Spin the Bottle." Instead, you're in a tour bus, Greg Allman steals your diary, reads it out loud, everybody's laughin' at you. You have your first period, there's no one to tell except Dickey Betts. He's like, [Dickey Betts impression:] "Miss, this is a beautiful moment in a young girl's life, you know." [zero response from crowd, Colin is momentarily flustered] Well, mm ... [gestures to the crowd not to attempt pity applause] Nope. ...

Roseanne and her third husband, Ben Thomas, are getting a divorce. You know, if that couple of wide-eyed, innocent kids couldn't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us? ...

[Photo of Kevin Costner standing in front of a poster for his horrible movie "The Postman."] Actee! No more directee, no more writee, no more producee. Actee. ... [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank ah!

Recently released secret documents show that R. J. Reynolds used marketing techniques to attract little kids to smoking. The most insidious plan they had was to develop cigarettes that tasted like boogers. ... But let's face this, this has been going on for years. Remember gum cigarettes? Deviant behavior was much more acceptable when we were little. You know, you had toy cigarettes, toy guns, toy money. You'd take Barbie's top off, you play with her. Afterwards you'd sit around with a gum cigarette in your mouth. You throw her a Monopoly $20. "Here's your money, baby, get out." You know? ...

Colin Quinn: Well, the Unabomber is undergoing psychiatric examinations this week to determine if he is mentally competent to stand trial. Here, with a commentary on that, is Weekend Update's newest contributing editor, former Football Hall of Famer, O. J. Simpson.

[Cheers and applause for smartly-attired and extremely cheerful O. J. Simpson.]

O. J. Simpson: [very friendly, to Colin] Hey, man, how's it goin'?

Colin Quinn: Uh, okay.

O. J. Simpson: [big smile] Yeah, you're all right, man. ... [to the camera] Now, is Ted Kaczynski mentally competent to stand trial for murder? Well, when making that determination, you have to look at the motives for the alleged crimes. Now, let's for a moment, say that the Unabomber DID kill numerous unsuspecting strangers by mailing them letter bombs. If that's true, it would mean that he only did it because he loved them very, very much. ... You see? Now, there are other examples of this in the news. For instance, Terry Nichols and Timothy McVeigh. Now, this is not a case about a bomb blowin' up a building. This is a case about two guys who just loved the building so much, they had to blow it up! You know?

Now, if we look back in history, there are other examples of this. Now, take for instance, Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Yeah. Now, the United States didn't drop the bomb on those cities to end the war. They did it because they loved the Japanese people too much. Now, if in fact the United States DID drop the bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which no one has proven -- ... In fact, I have two detectives workin' full time to solve that one. ... And I promise you all, I will not rest until the real bombers are found.

Now, history has shown us on more than one occasion that, uh, if you love something, it is okay to kill it. ... Like, for instance, the Titanic.

Colin Quinn: What do you mean?

O. J. Simpson: Well, you know, the iceberg -- he loved the Titanic, you know? Now, if that iceberg did not love that ship, it could have never ripped the side of the ship and sink it. Now, how 'bout the Ebola virus?

Colin Quinn: What are you talkin' about? ...

O. J. Simpson: Well, Colin, the Ebola virus loves flesh too much. That's why it kills. You know? But I don't see people suing the Ebola virus and takin' away its Heisman Trophy. ... You know? I don't see people, you know, makin' the Ebola virus move to a smaller home in Brentwood. They don't yell "Murderer!" at the Ebola virus whenever it goes and plays a round of golf. I mean, what kind of place do we live in where a black man acquitted of murder can't enjoy a nice, quiet dinner at a restaurant? Meanwhile, the Ebola virus is over at the other table, laughin' it up and eatin' prime rib and enjoyin' the company of two hot blondes, you know? ... I don't get it -- but I guess that's America.

[turns to Colin, dead serious] You know what, Colin? I love you, man. ...

Colin Quinn: [Colin doesn't like the sound of that, after a pause] O. J. Simpson, everyone.

O. J. Simpson: [over the cheers and applause] Come on, baby.

Colin Quinn: I'm Colin Quinn, and that's the story I'm going with. Good night.

[Music. Colin and O. J. hug each other. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

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