Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
... Colin Quinn
O. J. Simpson ... Tim Meadows
[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We fly
into the impenetrable discharge of two
Announcer: And now, from the news capital of
the world, it's "Weekend Update with Colin
[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of New
York from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / with
COLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve to
Studio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WU
Colin Quinn: Good evening, I'm Colin Quinn. I
don't see why there should be any problem.
It was announced this week that NBC will spend
thirteen million dollars an episode for the hospital
drama "ER." Meanwhile, on the set of "Chicago Hope,"
the cast is anxiously awaiting the arrival of their
new soda machine. ...
[Photo of presidential accuser Paula Jones] Clinton
sat across from Paula Jones today, as he gave his
deposition in her sexual harassment suit. He said, "I
never exposed myself to this woman. The woman I
exposed myself to was kind of skanky, with a bad
perm." [Photo of a younger, frizzier Paula Jones] ...
[Photo of elderly John Glenn] NASA announced that,
next fall, former astronaut John Glenn will once again
orbit the earth. The senator, now 77, says he's ready
for another venture into the unknown. I would say he's
pretty close to that anyway. ... He'll be the first
man to break his hip in space. ...
FOX got the rights to the NFC, CBS got the rights to
the AFC, and NBC retains the rights to all of Ed
Marinaro's TV movies. [Photo of former NFL running
back turned actor Ed Marinaro] ...
After twenty-seven years of broadcasting "Monday Night
Football," Frank Gifford was replaced by Boomer
Esiason. Let me tell you something. If you lose your
job to a guy named Boomer, you are a Jeff Foxworthy
joke waiting to happen. ...
Christian Slater, currently serving a ninety day jail
sentence, was released for one night to attend the
premiere of his new film, "Hard Rain." Twenty minutes
into the movie, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted back
to his cell. ... [applause]
[Photos of two crooks] In New York this week, three
gunmen stole 1.6 million from the World Trade Center
in broad daylight. On their way out, they took their
masks off in front of thirty security cameras and then
went home and hung out in their neighborhood where
they were later arrested. Authorities say they were
easy to spot because of their distinctive walk --
caused by their huge balls. ... [applause] On a
true personal note, these guys grew up in my
neighborhood. I knew these guys. I went to school with
one of these guys -- the one that went to school. But,
you know ... The years go by, you lose touch, you go
your separate ways, but it all works out -- here we
are all these years later working together on TV. ...
I knew them, I swear.
South Korea elected a Roman Catholic President last
week. You know what that means: no dog on Friday. ...
[groans] Ah, I guess I won't be going to my local deli
tonight for anything.
Saw the Spice Girls on "Letterman" -- they had backup
singers. Hey, I don't want to judge anybody but if
there are five of you and you just sing and don't play
instruments and you need backup singers -- there's
something wrong. ... [applause]
[Headline: "Walter E. Diemer; Inventor of Bubble Gum"]
The inventor of bubble gum died this week. His body
was found stuck under a movie seat. ... [Colin is
momentarily confused by a switch of cameras]
Karla Faye Tucker is scheduled to be the first woman
in this century to be executed. This woman committed
murders with a pickax and said she had an orgasm every
time she struck. First of all, I'm sure she was faking
some of those. ... Second of all, you have to feel bad
for this woman 'cuz I read in the L.A. Times she was a
runaway, she had a drug habit when she was ten, and
she toured with the Allman Brothers when she was
thirteen. I mean, think about that, all right? You're
thirteen years old, you still smell like baby powder,
you're suppose to be playin' "Spin the Bottle."
Instead, you're in a tour bus, Greg Allman steals your
diary, reads it out loud, everybody's laughin' at you.
You have your first period, there's no one to tell
except Dickey Betts. He's like, [Dickey Betts
impression:] "Miss, this is a beautiful moment in a
young girl's life, you know." [zero response from
crowd, Colin is momentarily flustered] Well, mm ...
[gestures to the crowd not to attempt pity applause]
Roseanne and her third husband, Ben Thomas, are
getting a divorce. You know, if that couple of
wide-eyed, innocent kids couldn't make it, what hope
is there for the rest of us? ...
[Photo of Kevin Costner standing in front of a poster
for his horrible movie "The Postman."] Actee! No more
directee, no more writee, no more producee. Actee. ...
[cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank ah!
Recently released secret documents show that R. J.
Reynolds used marketing techniques to attract little
kids to smoking. The most insidious plan they had was
to develop cigarettes that tasted like boogers. ...
But let's face this, this has been going on for years.
Remember gum cigarettes? Deviant behavior was much
more acceptable when we were little. You know, you had
toy cigarettes, toy guns, toy money. You'd take
Barbie's top off, you play with her. Afterwards you'd
sit around with a gum cigarette in your mouth. You
throw her a Monopoly $20. "Here's your money, baby,
get out." You know? ...
Colin Quinn: Well, the Unabomber is undergoing
psychiatric examinations this week to determine if he
is mentally competent to stand trial. Here, with a
commentary on that, is Weekend Update's newest
contributing editor, former Football Hall of Famer, O.
[Cheers and applause for smartly-attired and extremely
cheerful O. J. Simpson.]
O. J. Simpson: [very friendly, to Colin] Hey,
man, how's it goin'?
Colin Quinn: Uh, okay.
O. J. Simpson: [big smile] Yeah, you're all
right, man. ... [to the camera] Now, is Ted Kaczynski
mentally competent to stand trial for murder? Well,
when making that determination, you have to look at
the motives for the alleged crimes. Now, let's for a
moment, say that the Unabomber DID kill numerous
unsuspecting strangers by mailing them letter bombs.
If that's true, it would mean that he only did it
because he loved them very, very much. ... You see?
Now, there are other examples of this in the news. For
instance, Terry Nichols and Timothy McVeigh. Now, this
is not a case about a bomb blowin' up a building. This
is a case about two guys who just loved the building
so much, they had to blow it up! You know?
Now, if we look back in history, there are other
examples of this. Now, take for instance, Hiroshima
and Nagasaki. Yeah. Now, the United States didn't drop
the bomb on those cities to end the war. They did it
because they loved the Japanese people too much. Now,
if in fact the United States DID drop the bomb on
Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which no one has proven -- ...
In fact, I have two detectives workin' full time to
solve that one. ... And I promise you all, I
will not rest until the real bombers are found.
Now, history has shown us on more than one occasion
that, uh, if you love something, it is okay to kill
it. ... Like, for instance, the Titanic.
Colin Quinn: What do you mean?
O. J. Simpson: Well, you know, the iceberg --
he loved the Titanic, you know? Now, if that iceberg
did not love that ship, it could have never ripped the
side of the ship and sink it. Now, how 'bout the Ebola
Colin Quinn: What are you talkin' about?
O. J. Simpson: Well, Colin, the Ebola virus
loves flesh too much. That's why it kills. You know?
But I don't see people suing the Ebola virus and
takin' away its Heisman Trophy. ... You know? I
don't see people, you know, makin' the Ebola virus
move to a smaller home in Brentwood. They don't yell
"Murderer!" at the Ebola virus whenever it goes and
plays a round of golf. I mean, what kind of place do
we live in where a black man acquitted of murder can't
enjoy a nice, quiet dinner at a restaurant? Meanwhile,
the Ebola virus is over at the other table, laughin'
it up and eatin' prime rib and enjoyin' the company of
two hot blondes, you know? ... I don't get it -- but I
guess that's America.
[turns to Colin, dead serious] You know what, Colin? I
love you, man. ...
Colin Quinn: [Colin doesn't like the sound of
that, after a pause] O. J. Simpson, everyone.
O. J. Simpson: [over the cheers and applause]
Come on, baby.
Colin Quinn: I'm Colin Quinn, and that's the
story I'm going with. Good night.
[Music. Colin and O. J. hug each other.