97l: John Goodman / Paula Cole
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Randy Graves.....Will Ferrell
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Hello!...[composes himself] Hm. Hm! Hm!
Okay...we've been off for two weeks, so I've had a lot of time to think about this Clinton thing. Okay, past all the jokes, I really feel bad for him. I mean, this is a man so full of self-hatred, that he puts a lifetime of achievement on the line for a series of Olive Garden hostesses. And do you know why Clinton denied being with Monica Lewinsky? 'Cause she's not that hot. That's the sad truth. Most guys have done this: made it with the ugly girl at the bar, the next day your friends are ribbin' you: "You did her last night." "No I didn't." "Yeah you did." "You swear you didn't?" Then, and...and you see it: she comes into the bar all dolled up because she thinks she has a boyfriend....She's got the new hat, you know? And you have to stop her, she starts hugging you...you saw how Clinton hugged her, it was that morning-after hug. It's like, "Hey! Hey! Be cool! Come on!" You know? And I guarantee he does it again. You know, Clinton's that kind of guy, those guys, that you always have that one friend that's just a hound, like that? Clinton's back right now. Even with all the trouble at the Olive Garden eating garlic rolls, you know, with Vernon Jordan? He's like, "Vernon, I'm so depressed...Hiiiiiii! How ya doin'?" You know?...[disappointed by that last joke] Okay....And now, here's the news.
Mike Tyson's having money problems. Apparently he owes the IRS seven million dollars. After going over his tax return, they found out he tried to write off Evander Holyfield's ear as a business dinner.
Former Knick Anthony Mason was charged this morning with having sex with two underage girls. When asked if he's worried about the fans' reaction, he said, [picture of Woody Allen and his wife, Soon-Yi Previn] "I'm sure some of them won't mind."
Mary Kay LeTourneau, the teacher who had sex with a 13-year-old boy, was arrested after she was found with him in a car. The teacher will be sent back to prison, and the boy is enjoying his highest approval rating ever....Kid!...Let me talk to this kid. Kid! You're too young to realize it now, but you're doin' good! You're doin' real good! I don't know how you carry yourself, how you dress, but whatever you're doin', keep doin' it. You're doin' all right for 13....I know, it's...touching. Um...
According to weather forecasters, El Niņo's cold-weather sister, La Niņa, [audience starts to laugh] will be bringing extreme cold--this is true--to the eastern Pacific. [trying to quell laughter] It's true! Meanwhile...who knew El Niņo had a sister? You know, I think we're in a lot of weather trouble. Why? Did you ever hear of a Spanish family with only two kids? Come on! [cheers and applause] Folks, it's true. I know it sounds...but we're stocking up on canned goods, so let's leave it at that.
Karl-- [waits for audience to calm down] Karla Fay Tucker's last meal was a banana, a peach, and a salad. What kind of last meal is that? That's a first date meal. The kind of thing you order with the guys, so you won't think you're gonna get fat? We've brainwashed women so badly in this society that we even order something they want on the day of execution....All right? She doesn't want the other death row warden talking about her. "Ooh! Her ass looked huge in that chair!"...Uh...
The opening ceremonies at the Olympics were last night. I don't know what the big deal is here. Somebody who skates 14 hours a day, that's not an athlete. That's obsessive-compulsive disorder, all right? [a woman cheers] What's next, you get a gold medal for turning the stove off...100 times in an hour?...All right...
An Indiana convict who actually asked to be executed for the murder of another inmate was killed by lethal injection last week. His final words: "Wow! That's the last time I try reverse psychology!"
All right....[reaches under the desk, grabs a copy of Vanity Fair with Matt Damon on the cover and holds it up] Let's talk about him here, Matt Damon....Now why is this guy starting to piss me off? All right? I know, he wrote a great movie, he's a great actor, seems like a nice guy, but it's all a little too perfect. And that's a little bit annoying, let's face the facts. [puts down the magazine] All right, him and his buddy wrote Good Will Hunting and went from rags to riches and everyone's so happy, ha ha ha. Well guess what, I'm not happy for him. You know who I'm happy for when he does good? Me. I'm happy when I do good. People say, "Oh, you're just jealous." So what? What's wrong with that? Jealousy started this country, all right? People were jealous that the Indians had a beautiful continent and they came over and took it. But here's the part that pisses me off....You have the two best friends, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, you know, they wrote the movie together, Good Will Hunting, but you know it was Ben Affleck that did all the taping - typing, you know, while Matt Damon was on the bed doing hammer curls, all right? You can just see Affleck hunched over the computer like Ben Kingsley in Schindler's List, you know? While the arrogant, two-time Matt Damon, the spawn of beer hall fascism and Sid Field screenwriting books, sits on the balcony like Ray Fiennes in his bathrobe shooting at people....All right. Obviously, there's a problem that needs to be dealt with here, you know, I'm not saying that...I don't know if it's mine, it seems to be Matt Damon's from where I'm sitting but, you know, that's it....Let's get back to him later.
All right, a New York Lottery winner was convicted of murder this week. He'll get 50 years or one month a year for life. [some applause]
Police in California are looking for the killer or killers of a dozen sea lions, some of whom were decapitated. Reached for comment, O.J. Simpson said, "I really resent whatever joke you're about to make here."
[Colin reaches under the desk, grabs a collage, and holds it up. The collage contains several death symbols as well as a doctored photo of Matt Damon and Adolf Hitler together.]
All right, here's what I did. Now, this is...I know it looks a lot - I finally figured it out, I had a little time yesterday...I...made a little collage...eh, worked through some of the emotions me and Matt are going through, obviously. I've broken it down, as you see, we have a collage of some of the atrocities Matt might have committed in another time and place. Matt! We need to talk! [puts the collage away] All right.
There's a new doll on the market this week: Carlos, a Puerto Rican gay doll with a boyfriend named Billy. The doll's creators...the doll's creators said they are proud to be making America's first gay dolls. To which Ken replied, "Hello-ooo!" [cheers and applause]...Thank alle!
Okay, we've heard a lot of opinions from the media about the White House scandal. What we haven't heard is straight talk from young people. Here tonight from the University of Ohio is Sigma Epsilon's own Randy Graves.
[pan over to Randy, who is wearing a red "Ohio" sweatshirt and a backwards baseball cap and talks like a stereotypical college frat boy]
Randy Graves: [has his hand up towards Colin, expecting a high-five] COLON! [pronounces it "Col-ohn"] WOOO! COLON! COLIN! AAOWW! [puts his hand down] WOOO! First of all, this is a big story, dude. Read the papes! This thing is huge! Basically, what happened: the President of the United States, Slick Willie, went for a kick-ass hummer on the sly...and this BITCH, Linda Tripp, totally cockblocked him! Simple as that!
Now, my good bro, Steve Pinner, we were in the same pledge class, he got arrested for rape, we used to call him Hambone. HAMBONE! CHECK IT OUT! HAMBONE! Anyway, the papers called him "The Laundry Room Rapist." He was clockblocked by some bitch. Tripp is a bitch, Hillary's a bitch, but Bubba's cool 'cause he's out looking for a BJ! [turns back to Colin and puts his hand back up] Give it up, Colin! AAOWW! [some applause] Colon! Colonial foot soldier! COLON! AAOWW! [puts his hand back down and faces the audience]...Come on, man, he won't give it up!...[to Colin] Dude, are you gay?...You gotta give it up for the bitch line, Quinny!
Anyway, Billy broy...he broke rule numero uno: do not dip your pen in the company ink! Am I right? AOW! Dude, I remember this bro, Derek Adkins, he was the COOLEST! You don't even KNOW! He was the COOLEST! Anyway, we were having this slave auction fundraiser, and we're all...we're all out on the party porch...and, uh...[starts to get choked up] and there were way too many people out there, and...the porch gave way, and...Adkins fell...and he hit his head on the ground, but...but it's cool...they got him a van with a ramp that he drives with his teeth now, so...[sings] in your eyes, the light's a heat in your eyes, I am complete! [back to normal] He loved that song! He loved that song! [puts his hand back up] Colon! [puts his hand back down]
That's what I'm talkin' about with this President thing! You are the coolest, Colin! You are the man! Give it up for Colin Quinn! [cheers] Give it up! Stand up in your chairs! I'm out! [puts his hand up once again]
Colin: Randy Graves, everyone! Randy Graves! [laughs and finally high-fives Randy] I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking with it. Good night!
Randy: [starts in the middle of Colin's closing] Stand up! Colin Quinn! Stand up!
[Colin laughs while trying to high-five Randy several times]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson