Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 13




97m: Roma Downey / Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot

Martha Stewart Living

Martha Stewart ... Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: Today, on "Martha Stewart Living".

Martha Stewart: I'm Martha Stewart. There are a lot of charming traditions associated with Cupid's Holiday: fine Belgian chocolates, red roses, French Champaign, and of course, these delightfully nostalgic candy hearts. But today on Living, we'll celebrate what I feel is the real essence of Valentines, loneliness and shame. I'll show you some innovative ways to enjoy this Holiday solo, by yourself, in the deafening silence of your own home.

A terrific way to combat Valentine's depression is to treat yourself to an erotic cake. I modeled this almond sponge cake after Michelangelo's David. [camera pulls back to reveal a cake shaped as buttocks, Martha takes a lick] Now that's a sweet piece of ass.

Massage oils are a pleasure meant for lovers but they've also become a staple of my life here alone in Connecticut. I made this sensual potion with sesame oil, lavender, and fresh elderberry, a natural aphrodisiac. When rubbed into your calves and other private places, it'll ensure hours of secret, sexy fun. It's a sensation I really cherish.

But being alone on Valentine's Day doesn't mean you can't send heart-felt greetings to the significant people in your life. A favorite tradition of mine is to take a simple, cardboard box, garnish it will silk ribbon and velvet hearts, then defecate in the box and leave it in my ex-husband's yard.

[cut to Martha with the box running up to an expensive house's front porch]

After all, hatred is a form of passion. [she throws the box onto the porch and dashes back to her SUV, she then screams toward the house] Happy Valentine's Day your M***** F*****! [she peels away from the house]

Announcer: Martha Stewart, today, on CBS.


Submitted by: Michael Menninger


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