Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 13





97m: Roma Downey / Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

.....Colin Quinn

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Oh! Thank you. Hi, I'm Colin Quinn.

Okay, first, let's talk about this war in Iraq. What's going on? Why are we involved? It's simple. We're the world's policemen. Kuwait calls us up, we go to Iraq, we knock on the door...Hussein answers, Hussein's like the drunk, shirtless guy, like you see on "Cops." He's like, "What's up?!" Ah, we come out, we gotta complain, "We heard you got weapons in your house. One of your neighbors called us." "Who was it, Afghanistan?! I'll kill him!" "Cool your jets, it wasn't Afghanistan." Meanwhile, Kuwait is Iraq's wife in the background with a black eye and smeared makeup. "No no, it's okay, it's my fault, he said he wouldn't do it again!" Now we get in the middle of their domestic squabble, smack Hussein around a little bit, threaten him, maybe shoot him in the leg. But you know what always happens: they make up...Kuwait makes up with Iraq, they join forces and blame us, now we're the bad guys. The Great Satan, you know? And every time we come around, they egg the patrol car or burn our flags. It's not worth it! I think we should retire as the world's policemen. Maybe take a part-time security job guard. Guarding...Nova Scotia....Okay...

Today is Valentine's Day....Today is Valentine's Day. White House spokesmen said that the President and Mrs. Clinton will honor the holiday by observing a moment of silence...expected to last the entire evening.

[photo of Tom Snyder, who has white hair and black eyebrows] Tom Snyder is considering leaving his "Late Late Show" on CBS, citing creative differences with his producer. The producer wants his eyebrows to match his head.

John Travolta has been in the press lately, criticizing Germany's lack of tolerance for Scientologists. German officials disputed the charges, saying, "Look. We're Germans. When we start religiously persecuting you, you'll know it."

The Institute for Highway Safety released a report this week that sports utility vehicles are responsible for higher death rates. [footage of O.J. Simpson's Ford Bronco] [secretly] We know!

Ralph Waite...the guy who played the father on "The Waltons," is running against the widow of Sonny Bono for his vacant congressional seat. The winner of the primary will face the Democratic candidate, the cast of "Rich Man, Poor Man."

A 78-year-old man with a walker opened fire in a Nevada casino, wounding several gamblers. Two bystanders who were injured were treated in the casino, and went back to the tables to gamble....You know, fellas, if a 78-year-old man with a walker shoots you, maybe it's not your lucky night.

[photo of New York City nightclub owner Peter Gashin with a patch on his left eye] Manhattan club owner Peter Gashin was acquitted of charges that he turned his New York nightclubs into drug supermarkets to increase business. Gashin claims that if there was any drug dealing in his club, it must have happened on his left side.

In sports, Jerry Jones hired Chan Gailey as the new head coach of the Dallas Cowboys this week. Coach Gailey is a devout Christian who's proposing a "no swearing" policy to the team. When reached for comment, wide receiver Michael Irvin said, "I'll try, but it's hard not to swear when hookers...spill your blow."

In Indiana...gangs are recruiting new members on the Internet. Now, that's not gonna work. You know how people lie on the Internet....Right now there's a 300-pound middle-aged housewife who's an OG in the Crips....[secretly] I should have brought my donkey! All right...

Maine...Maine became the first state to appeal its gay rights law. Gay men protested by giving everyone a bad haircut and unfolding all the sweaters at Banana Republic. [some applause]...Now you're talking!

All right, in this month's Vanity Fair...[reaches underneath the desk, grabs the issue of Vanity Fair, and holds it up] Madonna claims that the only thing missing from her life is a man to share it with. So in the spirit of Valentine's Day, [puts down the magazine] okay, I can take a hint, I'll do it, Madonna. I'll marry you. But first, let's go over a few ground rules. [counts the rules on his hand] Number one: everything I have is yours, and everything you have is mine. We split all our finances down the middle, no questions. "Hey, what do you have in your account, what do I have in my account?" We both have money. You have your CDs, movies, production companies...I've been on "Update" four weeks! It's starting to add up, baby! Don't forget, I'm Irish, so every week I put five dollars in a Christmas Club account. Number two. Rule two? No loud talking, no dancing, flirting at parties or clubs, no outbursts. "Ooh, he's cute! Alonzo Mourning! Kevin Garnett!" Uh-uh, honey. Sit down, honey, drink your drink. Rule number three...number three, Miss Madonna: no more sentences that start with "I"; I think, I want...now it's Colin thinks, Colin says, Colin wants, and then on. Rule number four: I like celery in my tuna, and when the Jets are on, make yourself busy. Busy time. Rule number five...[holds up two fingers, looks at his hand, then holds up five fingers] five! See rule number one. All right? Remember this face; you're gonna be seeing it for the next 40 years. Happy Valentine's Day, honey!

I'm Colin Quinn, that's the story I'm going with. Stick here with us! Good night!

[fade to black]


Submitted by: Gregory Larson


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