Loew's Previews

Wife.....Molly Shannon
Husband.....Garth Brooks
Black Man in Rear of Theater.....Tracy Morgan
Angry Man.....Will Ferrell
Disturbed Man.....Jim Breuer



[ open on exterior, Loew's Theatre presentation of "Sphere" ]

[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Wife: Oh boy, I am looking forward to this.

Husband: Yeah, you know, they say the guy who wrote "Jurassic Park" wrote this.

Wife: Mmm.. and I hear Sharon Stone is excellent!

[ lights are lowered ]

Husband: Hey, it's starting!

Wife: Great! I hope they have some good previews.

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew's.
Sit back and relax
and enjoy the show!


Previews Announcer: Coming this Spring from Tri-Star Pictures..

[ Husband's eyes widen in excitement as he watches the preview ]

In a land where there is no daylight, fire is a way of life.

Husband: Ooh, this looks good!

Clint Eastwood: Burn, baby, burn!

Previews Announcer: "The Fire King".

Husband: Man, I love Eastwood! I'm definitely going to see that one!

[ bouncy music surrounds next preview ]

Previews Announcer: Meet Diane Carvenal. She's got just two days to learn how to juggle, or she'll lose custody of her only son.

[ Music Pot: "I Feel Good", James Brown ]

Shelley Long is: "My Mom, The Mime". Rated R.

Husband: That looks awful. How do movies like that get made?

Wife: I know what you mean..

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ exubirant ] That looked funny!

Wife: Boy, you know, I really wish they would just hurry up with the movie.

Husband: Oh, here it is. I think it's starting.

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew's.
Sit back and relax
20 more minutes of previews.


Wife: [ groans ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew's Theatre ]

[ SUPER: "Twenty Minutes Later" ]

[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Previews Announcer: And this cop doesn't have a badge or a gun, because he's not a cop. John Ratzenberger is.. "Not-a-Cop".

Wife: Well, that should be about it..

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew's.
You've been very patient
so here's more previews!


Husband: Oh, come on!

Angry Man: Start the movie!

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ overjoyed ] Yeah, more previews!

Previews Announcer: Joe Nukem just found out he has terminal cancer. That means he only has 24 hours left - to rock!

[ Music Pot: "Panama", Van Halen ]

Wife: Oh, come on! Now that is just poor taste!

Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ laughing ] He got sunglasses on!

Previews Announcer: Hal Linden and Shelley Long star in.. "Panama".

Husband: Hey, look, it's been, like, over 30 minutes. You want to get out of here?

Wife: Let's go.

Husband: Come on.

[ stand up and race to exit doors ]

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew's.
Don't think about leaving
The doors are locked from the outside!


Husband: What?!

Wife: Come on, they can't be serious..

Disturbed Man: [ trying to force open the locked doors ] It's true! We're locked in here!

Wife: Oh, my God!

Previews Announcer: Shelley Long has just met the man of her dreams. The only problem? He's a puppet!

[ Music Pot: "I Feel Good", James Brown ]

Wife: You already used that song!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew's Theatre ]

[ SUPER: "Two Hours Later" ]

[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Previews Announcer: See the award-winning film from Pakistan - "Vendetta of Ganesh". Starring Shelley Long.

Wife: God, why are there so many Shelley Long movies?! I'm getting really thirsty..

Husband: My cell phone won't work, either. They're jamming it..

Black Man in Rear of Theater: These previews are hilarious!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew's Theatre ]

[ SUPER: "The Next Day" ]

[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

[ Music Pot: "I Feel Good", James Brown ]

Wife: Water! I need water!

Husband: I'm sorry, I've got some melted ice.

Wife: Please! Give it to me, then!

Angry Man: Hey, I found half a box of Junior Mints!

Disturbed Man: Give me those, you son of a bitch!

Previews Announcer: Rhea Perlman is Shelley Long, in "The Shelley Long Story".

[ movie patrons start to tear Man apart, limb for limb ]

Angry Man: Owwww!! Owww!! They're tearing me apart!

[ dissolve to exterior, Loew's Theatre ]

[ SUPER: "A Month Later" ]

[ dissolve to interior of theatre ]

Husband V/O: Dear Diary: It's been 32 days now. Helen has clearly gone insane..

Wife: [ hysterical ] Shelley Long has died for your sins, you sons of bitches!!

Husband V/O: Still, the previews won't stop..

Previews Jingle:
Thank you for coming to Loew's.
Drink your urine and sleep
underneath your seats!


Disturbed Man: [ angry at Black Man smiling in back row ] I can't stand it! I can't stand it! He won't stop smiling!

Husband: Come on, man, leave him alone!

Disturbed Man: [ beats Black Man with Man's detached arm ] Stop smiling! [ face widens in horror ] Oh, God.. Oh, God..

Husband: What is it?

Disturbed Man: He's got no lower half! He's eaten his own legs!

[ everyone screams abd starts to run out ofthe theter, until.. ]

Previews Announcer: And now, our Feature Presentation.

[ everyone smiles and returns to their seats, as the movie begins and the scene fades ]


SNL Transcripts