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Loew's Previews Wife.....Molly Shannon Husband.....Garth Brooks Black Man in Rear of Theater.....Tracy Morgan Angry Man.....Will Ferrell Disturbed Man.....Jim Breuer  [ open on exterior, Loew's Theatre presentation of "Sphere" ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ] Wife: Oh boy, I am looking forward to this. Husband: Yeah, you know, they say the guy who wrote "Jurassic Park" wrote this. Wife: Mmm.. and I hear Sharon Stone is excellent! [ lights are lowered ] Husband: Hey, it's starting! Wife: Great! I hope they have some good previews. Previews Jingle: Thank you for coming to Loew's. Sit back and relax and enjoy the show! Previews Announcer: Coming this Spring from Tri-Star Pictures.. [ Husband's eyes widen in excitement as he watches the preview ] In a land where there is no daylight, fire is a way of life. Husband: Ooh, this looks good! Clint Eastwood: Burn, baby, burn! Previews Announcer: "The Fire King". Husband: Man, I love Eastwood! I'm definitely going to see that one! [ bouncy music surrounds next preview ] Previews Announcer: Meet Diane Carvenal. She's got just two days to learn how to juggle, or she'll lose custody of her only son. [ Music Pot: "I Feel Good", James Brown ] Shelley Long is: "My Mom, The Mime". Rated R. Husband: That looks awful. How do movies like that get made? Wife: I know what you mean.. Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ exubirant ] That looked funny! Wife: Boy, you know, I really wish they would just hurry up with the movie. Husband: Oh, here it is. I think it's starting. Previews Jingle: Thank you for coming to Loew's. Sit back and relax 20 more minutes of previews. Wife: [ groans ] [ dissolve to exterior, Loew's Theatre ] [ SUPER: "Twenty Minutes Later" ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ] Previews Announcer: And this cop doesn't have a badge or a gun, because he's not a cop. John Ratzenberger is.. "Not-a-Cop". Wife: Well, that should be about it.. Previews Jingle: Thank you for coming to Loew's. You've been very patient so here's more previews! Husband: Oh, come on! Angry Man: Start the movie! Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ overjoyed ] Yeah, more previews! Previews Announcer: Joe Nukem just found out he has terminal cancer. That means he only has 24 hours left - to rock! [ Music Pot: "Panama", Van Halen ] Wife: Oh, come on! Now that is just poor taste! Black Man in Rear of Theater: [ laughing ] He got sunglasses on! Previews Announcer: Hal Linden and Shelley Long star in.. "Panama". Husband: Hey, look, it's been, like, over 30 minutes. You want to get out of here? Wife: Let's go. Husband: Come on. [ stand up and race to exit doors ] Previews Jingle: Thank you for coming to Loew's. Don't think about leaving The doors are locked from the outside! Husband: What?! Wife: Come on, they can't be serious.. Disturbed Man: [ trying to force open the locked doors ] It's true! We're locked in here! Wife: Oh, my God! Previews Announcer: Shelley Long has just met the man of her dreams. The only problem? He's a puppet! [ Music Pot: "I Feel Good", James Brown ] Wife: You already used that song! [ dissolve to exterior, Loew's Theatre ] [ SUPER: "Two Hours Later" ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ] Previews Announcer: See the award-winning film from Pakistan - "Vendetta of Ganesh". Starring Shelley Long. Wife: God, why are there so many Shelley Long movies?! I'm getting really thirsty.. Husband: My cell phone won't work, either. They're jamming it.. Black Man in Rear of Theater: These previews are hilarious! [ dissolve to exterior, Loew's Theatre ] [ SUPER: "The Next Day" ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ] [ Music Pot: "I Feel Good", James Brown ] Wife: Water! I need water! Husband: I'm sorry, I've got some melted ice. Wife: Please! Give it to me, then! Angry Man: Hey, I found half a box of Junior Mints! Disturbed Man: Give me those, you son of a bitch! Previews Announcer: Rhea Perlman is Shelley Long, in "The Shelley Long Story". [ movie patrons start to tear Man apart, limb for limb ] Angry Man: Owwww!! Owww!! They're tearing me apart! [ dissolve to exterior, Loew's Theatre ] [ SUPER: "A Month Later" ] [ dissolve to interior of theatre ] Husband V/O: Dear Diary: It's been 32 days now. Helen has clearly gone insane.. Wife: [ hysterical ] Shelley Long has died for your sins, you sons of bitches!! Husband V/O: Still, the previews won't stop.. Previews Jingle: Thank you for coming to Loew's. Drink your urine and sleep underneath your seats! Disturbed Man: [ angry at Black Man smiling in back row ] I can't stand it! I can't stand it! He won't stop smiling! Husband: Come on, man, leave him alone! Disturbed Man: [ beats Black Man with Man's detached arm ] Stop smiling! [ face widens in horror ] Oh, God.. Oh, God.. Husband: What is it? Disturbed Man: He's got no lower half! He's eaten his own legs! [ everyone screams abd starts to run out ofthe theter, until.. ] Previews Announcer: And now, our Feature Presentation. [ everyone smiles and returns to their seats, as the movie begins and the scene fades ]
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