Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 23: Episode 15





97o: Scott Wolf / Natalie Imbruglia

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

.....Colin Quinn
Gunner Olsen.....Jim Breuer

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: [sighs] Hello! I'm Colin Quinn. Thank you!

Okay. The top story this week is Vernon Jordan's testimony before the grand jury. He described how Betty Currie asked him to get Monica Lewinsky a job, how he drove Monica to job interviews. Now these are either the nicest people in the world, or somebody's lying. We have interns here at "Saturday Night Live," and we don't drive them anywhere. All right? We send them out for coffee during El Niņo. They come to New York all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed thinking, "Heeeeeyyy! What are you doing?", sitting in at a control panel wearing headphones. "I'm a communications major!" "Yeah, go communicate with the Arab guy at the grocery store, no milk, all right?" "I want to be a writer here on the show! I wanna be a writer!" "Okay, write this down: two double latte mochaccinos." That's how interns get treated. Vernon Jordan expects us to believe that he went on a road trip with a 21-year-old girl? This guy's a hero of the Civil Rights movement! What kind of conversations does he have with Monica Lewinsky for four hours in a car? You're talking about your days marching in Selma, she's talking about that boot she saw at Nine West, you know?...But my favorite is the moral high ground that everybody's on about this. "Oooohh! He fooled around with interns! He fooled around with interns!" Hey! I fooled around with interns! All right? Have you seen some of these interns? Uh, n - yeah, nobody's gonna be attracted to the 20-year-old NYU girl with the belly ring, the baby teeth, and the tattoo on the small of her back. Yeah....Okay, yeah, go ahead! You know, yeah, that's bad. You can judge me on that, but my approval rating just shot up 20 points. [applause] Oh, thank you.

Latrell Sprewell, who was suspended by the NBA for choking his coach, won a stunning victory earlier this week when his 17-million-dollar contract was reinstated. Outraged members of the New York Knicks were heard to say, "Hey! We've been choking for years, where's our money?" [some boos] It's true.

O.J. Simpson is now taking a law school correspondence course. Armed with his new knowledge of the law, he is reportedly furious that he was acquitted. [cheers and applause] Right?

Microsoft chairman Bill Gates testified before the Senate on Tuesday, insisting that Microsoft is not a monopoly. Then he hopped into a giant shoe and drove to his red hotel on Baltic Avenue. [applause]

In Oregon this week, a panel a medical experts released a guidebook to help families deal with the ethical and emotional issues of assisted suicide. This guidebook replaces Dr. Jack Kevorkian's guidebook entitled, Just Get in the Van.

In Mexico, four armed gunmen held up boxing promoter Don King...and stole his 100,000-dollar Rolex watch. Unharmed, a relieved Don King told reporters, "The watch was meaningless, your life is everything. And besides, it was Mike Tyson's watch."

This week, a New Jersey court ruled that homosexuals can be allowed in the Boy Scouts. They are easily identified by the red bandanas in their back left pocket. See...I liked it better when I was a kid. Everybody knew the scoutmaster was gay, but you didn't talk about it. Huh? The priest was gay, you didn't talk about it, you know? Your uncle wore an ascot to Thanksgiving dinner, you didn't talk about it! I swear I'm right.

Lieutenant Colonel Eileen Collins has been chosen as the first woman to command a space shuttle mission. She will be following in the footsteps of Sally Ride, Christa McAuliffe, and trailblazing housewife Alice Kramden, who was sent to the moon by her husband Ralph in the late '50s. [applause]...[imitating Ralph Kramden] "Why you little...!"...Oops...that's Homer Simpson.

NBC has decided to renew the sitcom "Caroline in the City" for another season. When reached for comment, atheists everywhere said, "See? I told you so."

The House passed a bill this week that paved the way for Puerto Rico to become the 51st state....The flag will be displayed on a clothesline outside City Hall. Come on! [strong mixed reaction] Now, that was wrong. Ah, but when I make the Irish jokes, everybody's fine! All right. That was wrong. That was a...bi - wr-- let me just finish. The, uh...that part was...actually, just a joke. But, seriously, the inaugural barbecue will be held on the shoulder of the West Side Highway this Sunday afternoon. [cheers and applause; can't hold back his laughter]...Come on! Oh!

Okay. You know everybody's talking about Kofi Annan's amazing diplomatic skills, how they averted the war with Iraq. But I don't think there was ever gonna be a war because...what it came down to was a couple of guys that didn't want to fight: us and Iraq. We're like two kids in the schoolyard, there's no one to fight, it's like, "Hey! Start!" "No, you start!" "Start!" England's back there, "I'll hold your coat!" You know....But then we notice that all our buddies that we thought that we had on our side--France, China, Russia--nobody had our back! We totally misjudged the rumor, we thought everybody hated Iraq! But nobody added, "You gotta assess the vibe before you make a move like that," you know how that happens? You think you're on the same page with all of your friends? You're at a bar, a Billy Joel song comes on, you're like, "Yeah, Billy Joel sucks." And everybody turns on you, "No, you suck! Billy Joel's good." You know, what about "The Stranger"? You're like, "Oh, I like 'The Stranger'! I like his old stuff," you know? The next time, we should have, like, our ambassador ch - check it out first, go to France, and be like, "Hey, what's up with Iraq, man?" [French accent] "What is wrong with Iraq?" "Nothing! I like Iraq! I like their old stuff, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon was good, you know?"...That's the only...

A study out this week indicates that women who drink tea are twice as likely to get pregnant as those who do not. In a related study, women who drink Long Island Iced Tea are twice as likely to wake up in the back of a Camaro with sticky hair. [cheers and applause] Holy Lord! Ah!

Martha Sewart is s-- Martha Stewart is suing The National Enquirer for 10 million dollars for saying that she is mentally ill. Stewart denied the accusation, then spent the next 15 hours trying to make the perfect sandwich. [some applause]

The Supreme Court ruled that workers can sue for sexual harassment committed by members of the same sex, as long as it's not just locker room horseplay. That means that you can say, "How's it hanging?" But you can't say, "No seriously, how's it hanging?" [some cheers and applause]

In an effort to help our younger viewers understand today's top stories, is heavy metal singer Gunner Olsen.

[Pan over to Gunner, who wears a tight black T-shirt and jeans. Gunner has a microphone; his voice is amplified. His voice is energetic and often changes pitch.]

Gunner Olsen: Yeeeeaaah! [scattered guitar riffs begin playing] Yeah!...Colin! Are you ready for some NEEEEWWWS, COLIN? [some cheers]

Colin: Sure, heavy metal guy.

Gunner: I said, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME NEEEEEWWWS, COLIN-AH? [guitar riffs stop]

Colin: [a little annoyed] I answered you, yes.

Gunner: [starting at Colin's last line] All right! All right! All right! First one...a little thing from The Washington Post-ah! [bobs head for a few seconds as a heavy metal tune begins playing, then starts singing]

[all lyrics appear one line at a time at the bottom of the screen]

Vernon Jordan proved
that he is not a phony
He refused to cut a deal
in exchange for testimony
Did the independent counsel
go a little too far
Only one person knows
and his name is Kenneth Starr [holds the word "Starr" for several seconds]

[cheers and applause] All right! All right! Yeaaow! Yeaaow! ALL RIGHT, COLIN!...[looks at Colin, Colin starts laughing; tune ends] My man, Colin!

Are you ready, people...for some INTERNATIONAL NEWS, [tune begins] ARE YA? [bobs head again for a few seconds, then resumes singing]

[ends every other line in this section with a high pitch]
The Iraqi Arms Agreement
What's goin' on
The White House refused
to meet with Kofi Annan
A senate subcommittee
tried to challenge Bill Gates
But they don't realize
he controls all our fates [holds the word "fates" for several seconds]

All right! [applause] All right!...All right! You want some more? [cheers] I can't hear you! [louder cheers] All right! [tune ends] These people are crazy! [some cheers; tries to control his laughter]

People...[can't hold his laughter again] CUT IT OUT! [guitar riff] CUT IT OUT! [cheers] Let's take a looooook...at the entertainment news, COLIN! [tune begins; bobs head for a few seconds, and resumes singing]

The film industry
is trying not to panic
They've got nothing to compete
with that movie "Titanic" [holds the word "Titanic" for several seconds]
In baseball news
it's the start of spring training
But there's hardly any scores
'cause it just won't stop raining [holds the word "raining" for several seconds]

["Won't stop raining!" appears]
No, it won't stop raining!
Won't stop raining! [flashing lyrics disappear]
WON'T STOP RAINING! [gets on top of the desk]
WON'T STOP RAINING!
WON'T STOP RAINING!!
WON'T STOP RAINING!!

[stage dives off the desk]

Colin: Jim Breuer, everyone! Jim Breuer! I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it! [tune ends] Good night!

[fade to black]


Submitted by: Gregory Larson


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