A Message From the President of the United States
President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond
Kenneth Starr.....Will Ferrell
Announcer: And now, a Message from the President of the United States.
President Bill Clinton: Good evening. I come before you tonight, not to talk about the important business of running th country, but, rather.. [ holds up bulky report ] ..to specifically address this huge document that the lawyers for Paula Jones have made so graciously available to me. My fellow Americans, I have read this thing cover-to-cover, and, folks.. it's good stuff! [ laughs ] I mean, it is hotter than Hell! And the best part is, it's all about me!
Let me just read you a little passage from a certain Miss Kathleen Willie. [ clears throat ] You're gonna love this..
[ reading ]
"And then the president escorted me down a narrow hallway, from the Oval Office to a dining room and back. I was thirsdty, and he offered me a drink. Before we reached the dining room, the President reached out and tried to kiss me. He lifted his hand, and put it on my breast; and then, my hand to his penis."
[ closes report, and thumps on desk ]
That is hot! Jackie Collins, my ass! [ laughs ] And I actually did all that! I mean.. I didn't.. but..
Have you ever read a book that's so good, you just can't put it down? And then you just want to run out and tell everyone all about it? Folks, this is one of those books! Can I just read you one more juicy passage? This is from a lady who calls herself Mrs. Jones..
[ reading ]
"I was then escorted into a private hotel room, where the governor lowered his pants. There was something different about him, a mark or something. And then he asked me to kiss it."
[ closes report ]
Did she kiss it? You're gonna have to buy the book to find out. I swear to God, I just thought everyone in the country should have the opportunity to read this. That's why we, here at the White House, will be issuing this handsomely-produced copy of all 700 pages, with this romantic cover.
[ close-up of sexy dime-store romance novel cover ]
That's me! I look like Fabio! [ laughs ] I call this "Deposition". Hopefully, it will be in bookstores by summer. I mean, this would be a great book to read on the beach, and I strongly urge all Americans to buy this book. Anyway, thank you for your time, America, and God bless you all.
[ Ken Starr enters Oval Office set ]
Ken Starr: Are you Darrell Hammond?
Darrell Hammond: [ confused ] What? Who are you?
Ken Starr: Are you Darrell Hammond, the man who plays the president on "Saturday Night Live"?
Darrell Hammond: [ annoyed ] Yes!
Ken Starr: Well, Mr. Hammond, my name is Ken Starr. I'm the Independent Counsel, and I'm serving you with this subpoena. Come with me.
Darrell Hammond: No! What do you want with me?! I'm not the President!
Ken Starr: Shut your hole, Hammond! I subpoenaed all the real people, now I'm subpoenaing the people who do impressions of him. Boys? Come on in.
Darrell Hammond: No! Don't! Hey!
[ Agents enter the set and cart Darrell Hammond out of the studio ]
Ken Starr: I'm gonna enjoy this. "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"