Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen.....Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto.....Molly Shannon
Audrey Kay.....Julianne Moore



[ open on exterior, NPR van parked in front of a cornfield ]

[ dissolve to Margret Jo and Teri performing a live remote in the cornfield ]

Margaret McCullen: Hello. I'm Margaret Jo McCullen.

Teri Rialto: And I'm Teri Rialto.

Margaret McCullen: And you're listening to..

Together: "The Delicious Dish". On National Public Radio.

Margaret McCullen: Now, Terry, we've decided to shake things up this week. We're coming to you live, from a field, outside of..

Together: Kirby, Nebraska!

Margaret McCullen: I can't believe we're actually doing this! I feel like an Acapulco cliffdiver!

Teri Rialto: I know. It's exciting and dangerous. And, thanks to the magic of radio, we can share this thrilling experience with our listeners.

Margaret McCullen: That's right, So, lash yourself to the mast, everybody, and prepare yourselves for what Teri and I like to call the soundgasm that is rural Nebraska!

[ sound of truck passing ]

Margaret McCullen: I think I hear a truck.

Teri Rialto: Trucks are.. useful.

Margaret McCullen: They really are. Truck are neat, I like them.

Teri Rialto: I like trucks, too.

Margaret McCullen: This is really fun!

Teri Rialto: It's nice to take risks.

Margaret McCullen: It sure is. Yes. We're gonna have fun.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret McCullen: Anyway, Terry, the reason we're here - besides the auditory thrill ride - is to visit Red Bliss Farm. It's the only working organic farm that produces one of our favorite heartland staple crops..

Together: Sorghum!

Teri Rialto: That's right. And here to talk with us about the organic production of this multi-purpose grain, is Harvesting Director Audrey Kay.

Margaret McCullen: Hi, Audrey. It's so fun to be here, in your environment.

Audrey Kay: Thank you. And I'd like to welcome you to Red Bliss Farms, our little oasis of organic purity.

Teri Rialto: So, Audrey, we have a lot of ground to cover!

Audrey Kay: I'll say. Our compound covers over 1,500 acres of ground.

Margaret McCullen: Wow! What a clever play on words!

Teri Rialto: That was really funny!

Margaret McCullen: This is fun.

Teri Rialto: This is neat!

Margaret McCullen: Neat.

Teri Rialto: It's fun.

Margaret McCullen: It's neat for you to be here.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret McCullen: Good times. Now, Audrey, so many of us take sorghum for granted. Will you give our listeners a glimpse into the kaleidoscope that is sorghum production?

Audrey Kay: It truly is an intoxicating prism. Now, pay attention, because this can get tricky. Sorghum can be used for syrup.. grain.. and broom fiber.

Teri Rialto: Broom fiber? You just blew my mind!

Margaret McCullen: So, if you spilled some sorghum, you could sweep it up with soem sorghum! [ light, muffled laugh ]

Audrey Kay: [ serious ] That's very funny.. but we keep the compound extremely clean.

Teri Rialto: Speaking of which, why don't you tell us a little bit more about Red Bliss Farms.

Audrey Kay: Certainly. Our compound is a fully self-sufficient farm. We purify our own water, we preserve and can our own food, and we provide a safe and spiritually-nurturing haven for all 333 cadets of the Intergalactic Apocalypse that live and work here on the compound.

Margaret McCullen: [ stunned ] Oh. I.. I guess there's a lot I didn't know about organic farming..

Audrey Kay: We all have a lot to learn. That is why we follow the teachings of Allias.

Teri Rialto: Allias? Is that your boss?

Audrey Kay: Allias is a divine leader. He was born 4,000 years ago, on the planet Cortex. His true name cannot be pronounced by the human tongue.

Margaret McCullen: [ for lack of something to say ] Our.. our boss' name is Chet.

Teri Rialto: So.. uh.. your farm is called Red Bliss Farms. Do you also grow red bliss potatoes here?

Audrey Kay: Potatoes? Oh, no. It's named that because we are all awaiting the Red Bliss. It is coming! It will descend upon our planet with a deluge of plasma and ecstasy! Few will be spared. Which is why all cadets sleep in lead-lined coffins.

Margaret McCullen: [ nervous ] Wow, Terry.. I think I heard another truck go by..

Audrey Kay: Have the two of you given any thought to where your souls will reside after the sky is torn to shreds by silver saucers?

Margaret McCullen: No.. I haven't..

Teri Rialto: [ firm ] I have.

Margaret McCullen: Wh-Where's the van?

Audrey Kay: Terry. You and I have much to talk about.

Margaret McCullen: [ quickly ] That's all the time we have on the Delicious Dish..

Audrey Kay: Do you want to see my implant scars?

Margaret McCullen: No.

Teri Rialto: I want to see them.

Margaret McCullen: Join us next week, when we'll be safely back in the studio.

Audrey Kay: Are you ready to meet Allias?

Margaret McCullen: No! And our topic will be.. fennel.

Teri Rialto: I want to meet Allias.

Margaret McCullen: Terry, I'm getting you out of here. Terry. Terry.

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts