Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
... Colin Quinn
[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We fly
into the impenetrable discharge of two
Announcer: And now, from the news capital of
the world, it's "Weekend Update with Colin
[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of New
York from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / with
COLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve to
Studio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WU
Colin Quinn: Thank you. I'm Colin
Well, the big story all week was Bill Clinton. What a
Spring Break he's having, huh? ... Depositions,
accusations. The week started out great for him -- Jim
McDougal died. I know it's one of his closest friends,
but let's face it, he was pretty happy. That was
Starr's key witness. He's relieved but he's gotta act
upset. He can't come out and start celebrating like
Mariah Carey's been doin' since she left Tommy
Mottola, right? ... Can't run around in a tube top
sayin', "I'm a butterfly, I'm a butterfly." ... That
was a great Mariah Carey impression, I know.
Then Tuesday, in some kind of Freudian self-cleansing,
he announced he's gonna have his dog Buddy neutered.
... Y'know? When the President informed Buddy of the
decision, the dog was heard to say, "Don't ever call
me Buddy again." ...
Then yesterday afternoon they released seven hundred
pages of documents, including two of Clinton's own
depositions. Here's basically what the deposition
says: Gennifer Flowers: fondled for twelve years;
Kathleen Willey: supposedly fondled; Paula Jones:
almost fondled; Linda Tripp: wishes she was fondled;
... Monica Lewinsky: did all the fondling. ...
Then you have the Kathleen Willey story. He says he
just kissed her on the forehead, but Kathleen Willey
says Clinton kissed her on the forehead, then took her
right hand and placed it on his genitals, and said,
"Do you swear to not tell the truth, the whole truth
and anything but the truth?" ...
In the documents they listed some other Jane Does that
Clinton was with. One of them was a Miss America. Now
how did the cute one slip in there? ... All right?
[cheers and applause] Ah, Miss America. Ah, all right.
You know that's the only one that bothers Hillary,
too. ... The rest of them she doesn't care about. But
that one must kill her.
But you know what it was? Clinton screwed up because
he was born at the wrong time. I'm sure every
president had like six mistresses, but he lives in a
time when you get called on for your behavior, when
the country's just a giant "Ricki Lake Show" judging
your sex life, y'know? ... If this was thirty years
ago, these kinds of things would get taken care of.
Paula Jones would've got her twenty-five grand and the
job in Hollywood she asked for. Monica Lewinsky
would've been President of Revlon already. ... And
Linda Tripp would have been taken to Vegas, driven out
to the desert behind the Sands, and "accidentally
overdosed," you know? ... [some applause]
Astronomers have reported that a giant asteroid could
pass near Earth in the year 2028. [A working screen
image of the classic coin-operated video game
"Asteroids" appears next to Colin -- a tiny triangular
spacecraft in an asteroid field] Should the asteroid
get close enough to threaten life on our planet, the
scientists plan to board a tiny triangular spacecraft
and fire a laser at the asteroid [The "Asteroids"
spacecraft starts shooting asteroids with the
appropriate sound effects] ... breaking it into four
smaller pieces, then destroy each of those smaller
pieces. ... If the scientists destroy the entire
asteroid, they will get to enter their initials in the
"Top Ten Scores" ... but instead of their initials,
they will probably enter "SEX" or "ASS." ... Best of
all, NASA spokespeople predict that the cost of the
entire operation will be one quarter. ... Ah, we
pushed it as far as we could go. ... All
[Photo of Clinton with United Nations
Secretary-General Kofi Annan] Kofi Annan met with the
President this week to ask the U.S. to pay the 1.3
billion that we owe to the U.N. The President refused
and then kissed him on the forehead and took Annan's
hand and put it on his genitals. ... [applause] Oh?
A Minnesota judge who's presiding over a lawsuit
against tobacco companies was accused of bias. The
tobacco companies claim he made "anti-tobacco"
comments. Now, is this what we've come to? Have we
become so politically correct that you can't make an
insulting remark about tobacco? What is an
anti-tobacco remark? "Hey, I don't mind individual
cigarettes, but when they get together they become a
pack. Then they're trouble, you know?" ...
According to scientists at Cambridge University,
female penguins on an island near the South Pole are
prostituting themselves to male penguins for stones
they use to build nests. Police have arrested their
pimp. [Photo of grinning actor Burgess Meredith as
Batman's arch villain "The Penguin" (from the 1960s
live action TV series "Batman"). He wears a purple top
hat and a monocle with a long cigarette holder
clenched in his teeth.] ... I know people don't like
to think of penguins having sex. It is kind of
disgusting. But every man here knows -- be honest --
if you're driving around one night, you have no money,
it's late, you see a penguin with a halter top and you
got a few rocks in the trunk -- you're gonna make a
move. ... Yeah, bust a move, I should say.
The man who invented the leisure suit, William Farah,
died Monday after a long battle with bad taste. ...
Services will be held in the men's department at J. C.
Penney. ... [scattered applause]
NASA's lunar prospector last week discovered evidence
of sizable reservoirs of ice on the moon. In order to
improve home game attendance, the New York Islanders
are planning to relocate there. ... [mild response
from crowd, Colin reacts:] What, are they having a
good year? All right. All right.
A study of odors that sexually arouse women found that
the most stimulating aromas are licorice, pumpkin, and
lavender. The same study showed that men become most
aroused when they smell desperation. ... And I had the
face of desperation, you notice that? For different
The Federal government is considering legislation
which would put a condensed version of the U.S.
Constitution on the back of one dollar bills. Now
you'll be able to study law and enjoy a lap dance at
the same time. ...
Utah Jazz forward Karl Malone says he has gotten a
permit to carry a concealed weapon. He's also changing
his nickname from "The Mailman" to "The Disgruntled
Mailman." ... [ironic] Tee hee.
[Photo of Albert Lippert with caption under it reading
"BEFORE"] Albert Lippert, a founder of Weight
Watchers, died at the age of 72 this week. [Photo of
skeleton with caption under it reading "AFTER"] ...
Ah, you gotta like it.
This Tuesday is St. Patrick's Day. In the spirit of
Mayor Giuliani's new policy of civility in the city,
vomiting will only be allowed on designated
I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to