Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

... Colin Quinn

[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We fly into the impenetrable discharge of two smokestacks.]

Announcer: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's "Weekend Update with Colin Quinn."

[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of New York from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / with COLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Studio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WU desk.]

Colin Quinn: Thank you. I'm Colin Quinn.

Well, the big story all week was Bill Clinton. What a Spring Break he's having, huh? ... Depositions, accusations. The week started out great for him -- Jim McDougal died. I know it's one of his closest friends, but let's face it, he was pretty happy. That was Starr's key witness. He's relieved but he's gotta act upset. He can't come out and start celebrating like Mariah Carey's been doin' since she left Tommy Mottola, right? ... Can't run around in a tube top sayin', "I'm a butterfly, I'm a butterfly." ... That was a great Mariah Carey impression, I know. ...

Then Tuesday, in some kind of Freudian self-cleansing, he announced he's gonna have his dog Buddy neutered. ... Y'know? When the President informed Buddy of the decision, the dog was heard to say, "Don't ever call me Buddy again." ...

Then yesterday afternoon they released seven hundred pages of documents, including two of Clinton's own depositions. Here's basically what the deposition says: Gennifer Flowers: fondled for twelve years; Kathleen Willey: supposedly fondled; Paula Jones: almost fondled; Linda Tripp: wishes she was fondled; ... Monica Lewinsky: did all the fondling. ...

Then you have the Kathleen Willey story. He says he just kissed her on the forehead, but Kathleen Willey says Clinton kissed her on the forehead, then took her right hand and placed it on his genitals, and said, "Do you swear to not tell the truth, the whole truth and anything but the truth?" ...

In the documents they listed some other Jane Does that Clinton was with. One of them was a Miss America. Now how did the cute one slip in there? ... All right? [cheers and applause] Ah, Miss America. Ah, all right. You know that's the only one that bothers Hillary, too. ... The rest of them she doesn't care about. But that one must kill her.

But you know what it was? Clinton screwed up because he was born at the wrong time. I'm sure every president had like six mistresses, but he lives in a time when you get called on for your behavior, when the country's just a giant "Ricki Lake Show" judging your sex life, y'know? ... If this was thirty years ago, these kinds of things would get taken care of. Paula Jones would've got her twenty-five grand and the job in Hollywood she asked for. Monica Lewinsky would've been President of Revlon already. ... And Linda Tripp would have been taken to Vegas, driven out to the desert behind the Sands, and "accidentally overdosed," you know? ... [some applause]

Astronomers have reported that a giant asteroid could pass near Earth in the year 2028. [A working screen image of the classic coin-operated video game "Asteroids" appears next to Colin -- a tiny triangular spacecraft in an asteroid field] Should the asteroid get close enough to threaten life on our planet, the scientists plan to board a tiny triangular spacecraft and fire a laser at the asteroid [The "Asteroids" spacecraft starts shooting asteroids with the appropriate sound effects] ... breaking it into four smaller pieces, then destroy each of those smaller pieces. ... If the scientists destroy the entire asteroid, they will get to enter their initials in the "Top Ten Scores" ... but instead of their initials, they will probably enter "SEX" or "ASS." ... Best of all, NASA spokespeople predict that the cost of the entire operation will be one quarter. ... Ah, we pushed it as far as we could go. ... All right.

[Photo of Clinton with United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan] Kofi Annan met with the President this week to ask the U.S. to pay the 1.3 billion that we owe to the U.N. The President refused and then kissed him on the forehead and took Annan's hand and put it on his genitals. ... [applause] Oh? Surprise, surprise.

A Minnesota judge who's presiding over a lawsuit against tobacco companies was accused of bias. The tobacco companies claim he made "anti-tobacco" comments. Now, is this what we've come to? Have we become so politically correct that you can't make an insulting remark about tobacco? What is an anti-tobacco remark? "Hey, I don't mind individual cigarettes, but when they get together they become a pack. Then they're trouble, you know?" ...

According to scientists at Cambridge University, female penguins on an island near the South Pole are prostituting themselves to male penguins for stones they use to build nests. Police have arrested their pimp. [Photo of grinning actor Burgess Meredith as Batman's arch villain "The Penguin" (from the 1960s live action TV series "Batman"). He wears a purple top hat and a monocle with a long cigarette holder clenched in his teeth.] ... I know people don't like to think of penguins having sex. It is kind of disgusting. But every man here knows -- be honest -- if you're driving around one night, you have no money, it's late, you see a penguin with a halter top and you got a few rocks in the trunk -- you're gonna make a move. ... Yeah, bust a move, I should say.

The man who invented the leisure suit, William Farah, died Monday after a long battle with bad taste. ... Services will be held in the men's department at J. C. Penney. ... [scattered applause]

NASA's lunar prospector last week discovered evidence of sizable reservoirs of ice on the moon. In order to improve home game attendance, the New York Islanders are planning to relocate there. ... [mild response from crowd, Colin reacts:] What, are they having a good year? All right. All right.

A study of odors that sexually arouse women found that the most stimulating aromas are licorice, pumpkin, and lavender. The same study showed that men become most aroused when they smell desperation. ... And I had the face of desperation, you notice that? For different reasons entirely.

The Federal government is considering legislation which would put a condensed version of the U.S. Constitution on the back of one dollar bills. Now you'll be able to study law and enjoy a lap dance at the same time. ...

Utah Jazz forward Karl Malone says he has gotten a permit to carry a concealed weapon. He's also changing his nickname from "The Mailman" to "The Disgruntled Mailman." ... [ironic] Tee hee.

[Photo of Albert Lippert with caption under it reading "BEFORE"] Albert Lippert, a founder of Weight Watchers, died at the age of 72 this week. [Photo of skeleton with caption under it reading "AFTER"] ... Ah, you gotta like it.

This Tuesday is St. Patrick's Day. In the spirit of Mayor Giuliani's new policy of civility in the city, vomiting will only be allowed on designated crosswalks.

I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Submitted Anonymously

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