Alice in Wonderland

Mad Hatter.....Steve Buscemi
Alice.....Molly Shannon
Rabbit.....John Hurt
Rat.....Ana Gasteyer
Doctors.....Tim Meadows, Chris Kattan

Announcer: We now return to the Hallmark Childrenís Classics Presentation of Alice in Wonderland. [Page turning in book] Chapter 6: The Mad Tea Party.

[Alice, the Mad Hatter, Rabbit, and Rat sit at a table with tea pots and mugs]

Alice: What nonsense. Well this is the most absurd tea party Iíve ever been to.

Mad Hatter: Absurd? Of course itís absurd. Thatís because weíre all mad, marvelously mad!

Alice: Youíre all mad?

Rabbit: Well of course weíre all mad. Why, Iím so mad I only sleep to get tired. [Laughter]

Rat: Iím so mad, I wear socks on my hands, and hats on my feet. [Laughter]

Mad Hatter: Hey, Iím so mad, I wash my hands 100 times a day because they smell like my mother. [Laughter]

Rabbit: [Stops laughing and looks serious] What did you just say?

Mad Hatter: I said Iím mad, wonderfully funderfully mad.

Rabbit: OhÖyeahÖmadÖright. Well, Iím so mad that I bathe in the sand and I make castles in the sea.

Mad Hatter: Why Iím so mad I constantly burn my penis with red hot cigar butts.

Alice: That is horrible.

Mad Hatter: Whatís wrong? Canít you handle a merry, whimsical madness?

Rabbit: No, Iím with her, thatís not mad, that is sick.

Mad Hatter: What are you talking about, weíre all mad! She wears socks on her hands and I put cigars out on my groin. I donít see the difference. Who wants more tea? [Picks up a giant tea pot]

Rat: You donít see the difference? I wear socks on my hands.

Mad Hatter: Well I do that too. And I also build little race cars out of my poop! Itís Wing-Dangily wonderful madness!

Alice: Your friend is scaring me.

Rabbit: Our friend? We thought he was with you.

Mad Hatter: I sleep with my underwear in my mouth!

Rabbit: I think youíd just better go.

Mad Hatter: Go, but why? We havenít finished our mad diddly tea party. [Puts his fist in his mouth] Moo, mppph [Falls under the table]

Rabbit: You really are sick, Mister.

Rat: I thought this wasÖHey what are you doing under the table?

Rabbit: Oh my GodÖheís having a fit!

Mad Hatter: [Stands up, ripping apart his shirt] Hey! Look at my scars! Oh, arenít they wonderfully mad? Mad I say! [Flips the table over, revealing that heís not wearing pants. Does a little dance]

Doctor #1: Good, good we found him. Great, he didnít hurt any of you, did he? [Puts a strait jacket on Mad Hatter]

Rabbit: No, he just ruined our tea party, thatís all.

Doctor #2: Ok, Hatter, youíre coming with us.

Mad Hatter: Youíre all dead and you donít even know it!

Doctor #1: Sorry about that, folks, but you know, heís a madman.

[They start to leave]

Mad Hatter: Oh no, I poisoned their tea.

Alice, Rabbit, Rat: WhatÖour tea!?

[Back to book closing]

Announcer: Join us tomorrow for the conclusion of Alice in Wonderland.

Thanks to Brian Malik for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts