Alice in Wonderland Mad Hatter.....Steve Buscemi Alice.....Molly Shannon Rabbit.....John Hurt Rat.....Ana Gasteyer Doctors.....Tim Meadows, Chris Kattan Announcer: We now return to the Hallmark Children’s Classics Presentation of Alice in Wonderland. [Page turning in book] Chapter 6: The Mad Tea Party. [Alice, the Mad Hatter, Rabbit, and Rat sit at a table with tea pots and mugs] Alice: What nonsense. Well this is the most absurd tea party I’ve ever been to. Mad Hatter: Absurd? Of course it’s absurd. That’s because we’re all mad, marvelously mad! Alice: You’re all mad? Rabbit: Well of course we’re all mad. Why, I’m so mad I only sleep to get tired. [Laughter] Rat: I’m so mad, I wear socks on my hands, and hats on my feet. [Laughter] Mad Hatter: Hey, I’m so mad, I wash my hands 100 times a day because they smell like my mother. [Laughter] Rabbit: [Stops laughing and looks serious] What did you just say? Mad Hatter: I said I’m mad, wonderfully funderfully mad. Rabbit: Oh…yeah…mad…right. Well, I’m so mad that I bathe in the sand and I make castles in the sea. Mad Hatter: Why I’m so mad I constantly burn my penis with red hot cigar butts. Alice: That is horrible. Mad Hatter: What’s wrong? Can’t you handle a merry, whimsical madness? Rabbit: No, I’m with her, that’s not mad, that is sick. Mad Hatter: What are you talking about, we’re all mad! She wears socks on her hands and I put cigars out on my groin. I don’t see the difference. Who wants more tea? [Picks up a giant tea pot] Rat: You don’t see the difference? I wear socks on my hands. Mad Hatter: Well I do that too. And I also build little race cars out of my poop! It’s Wing-Dangily wonderful madness! Alice: Your friend is scaring me. Rabbit: Our friend? We thought he was with you. Mad Hatter: I sleep with my underwear in my mouth! Rabbit: I think you’d just better go. Mad Hatter: Go, but why? We haven’t finished our mad diddly tea party. [Puts his fist in his mouth] Moo, mppph [Falls under the table] Rabbit: You really are sick, Mister. Rat: I thought this was…Hey what are you doing under the table? Rabbit: Oh my God…he’s having a fit! Mad Hatter: [Stands up, ripping apart his shirt] Hey! Look at my scars! Oh, aren’t they wonderfully mad? Mad I say! [Flips the table over, revealing that he’s not wearing pants. Does a little dance] Doctor #1: Good, good we found him. Great, he didn’t hurt any of you, did he? [Puts a strait jacket on Mad Hatter] Rabbit: No, he just ruined our tea party, that’s all. Doctor #2: Ok, Hatter, you’re coming with us. Mad Hatter: You’re all dead and you don’t even know it! Doctor #1: Sorry about that, folks, but you know, he’s a madman. [They start to leave] Mad Hatter: Oh no, I poisoned their tea. Alice, Rabbit, Rat: What…our tea!? [Back to book closing] Announcer: Join us tomorrow for the conclusion of Alice in Wonderland. Thanks to Brian Malik for this transcript! SNL Transcripts