Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

.....Colin Quinn
Reggie White.....Tracy Morgan



[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We fly into the impenetrable discharge of two smokestacks.]

Announcer: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's "Weekend Update with Colin Quinn."

[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of New York from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / with COLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve to Studio 8H and Colin Quinn seated at the WU desk.]

Colin Quinn: Hello. I'm Colin Quinn. Thank you. Thank you so much. The big story this week, Paula Jones' sexual harassment lawsuit against the president was thrown out. When reached for comment, the president said "I'm glad this is over. Now we can move on and forget about Paula Jones and focus on what is really important - the fact that I nailed Miss America. So now it's all over for you. It's all over for little Miss Paula Jones. No more reporters on your lawn. No more going to the beauty parlor with Susan Carpenter McMillian. Yeah, maybe if you're lucky, you'll do a couple of Cinemax movies with Anderw Stevens and Shannon Tweed. But that's about it Paula, so it's been swell. Good luck with your psychic hotline." She's gone. [Imitating President Clinton] "won't see her no more."

While visiting an African Catholic church, President Clinton, a Baptist, received communion. Luckily his advisers stopped him from entering a confessional, after they calculated that his penance would be 6 million Our Fathers and 18 million Hail Mary's.

In Chicago this week, mayor Richard Daley was accused of referring to their St. Patrick's day queen, Jennifer Battistone, as a dago. I don't know about you, but I find this terribly offensive. What the hell is an Italian doing leading a St. Patrick's day parade? There goes my union book.

Seventeen year-old actor Macauly Culkin got engaged this week to seventeen year-old actress Rachel Minor. It will be the first disastrous marriage for both.

This week, the FDA approved the sexual potency drug Viagra. Doctors cautioned against overdosing on the anti-impotence drug, citing the case of a 46 year-old Virginia man who couldn't get rid of his erection for 19 hours. Doctors say if this happens, remain calm, drink some water and try to find a picture of this woman. [Picture of Linda Tripp appears, applause] Right now she's home crying watching this, all right?

The European union took steps this week toward making the euro, the merged form of currency for 11 participating countries. The only nation not involved will be Switzerland, who said "we'll stick to our official form of currency - Nazi gold."

Daniel Remeta, a spree killer who has the mental age of a child , was executed in Florida this week. For his last meal, he requested a sno-cone. All right? No matter how tough the prison guards were, that had to get to you. That's hardcore. To put a guy in the electric chair while he's eating a sno-cone. He's sitting there, you're like "Come on, were going for a ride in the nice chair. Dead man with an ice cream headache walking." That's Florida's fourth execution in nine days by the way. That's there fourth in nine days. Geez, do you think the uh executioners are going on vacation? What the hell, is he trying to wrap up? That kinda petered out.

In business news, Mattel has allegedly offered 77.4 million dollars to acquire Bluebird toys, the makers of Etch-A-Sketch. It is predicted that after two weeks, Mattel will become bored with the company, and leave it at a friend's house. [applause] Childhood, huh? Childhood!

Rocker Tommy Lee is about to go on trial for beating up a Jewish paparazzi. Lee wants to hide from the jury the fact that he has the tattoo of a swastika. When asked for comment, Lee said " I'm confident that my Jew lawyers will be able to get it suppressed."

Seals off the Jersey shore are dying from a mysterious disease that starts with a cough and a runny nose. Symptoms first appeared after Clearence Clemmons went skinny dipping.

We all saw James Cameron's Oscar speech last week, all right, and what an idiot, I know. He asked for a moment of silence for the Titanic, and then he says "let's party til dawn." Even Fiona Apple is saying "man, that was a jackass acceptance speech, you know?" And what about "I'm king of the world?" You know, even the pope is at home giving the TV the finger. Saying "Hey, king of the world? Who am I, Wink Martindale? I'm the pope, you don't see me acting like that."

Now this week, Michigan police returned Dr. Jack Kivorkian's assistant suicide machine. In a related story, Kenny G. got a new saxophone.

Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat toured the Amsterdam building where Anne Frank hid from the Nazi's during World War II. Out of habit, Arafat blurted out "Hey, she's in here!"

Editor's of several major publishing houses, report that Mike Tyson is looking for a book deal in the seven figure range. Luckily for publishes, Mike Tyson has no understanding of where decimal points go. [ picture of handwritten $20.000 00] You don't have to applaud that much, I'm the one who has to face him some day. I'm saying it to his face right now.

Anyway, I've been asked to read this announcement by the way, daylight savings time begins tonight at 2am. We will set our clocks ahead one hour, and loose an hour of sleep. It's not that big a deal, you just set your clock ahead. So what, I'm not gonna lose sleep over it. You don't know how many people are happy in telling me "I told you that wouldn't work, but I - I trusted you people."

Now this week -- never mind that. This week the FDA approved the use of sucralose, a no-calorie sweetener that is 600 times sweeter than sugar. Sucralose is created by rearranging the molecules of sugar into a form that can pass through the body without being absorbed. It will also be available under it's other name - cancer.

Oh my god. Last week, Green Bay Packers defensive end Reggie White delivered an hour long speech to the Wisconsin state assembly, in which he made sweeping and shocking generalizations about different races. Here to explain his controversial remarks is Reggie White.

Reggie White: Thank you, Colin. Thank you. Thank you for this opportunity to clear my name. I feel nothing but regret about what took place in Wisconsin.

Colin Quinn: So, you're sorry about your speech?

Reggie White: Absolutely, Colin. I'm as upset as anybody about what happened.. For instance, I never even got a chance to talk about Samoans. Dirty, filthy, stupid Samoans.

Colin Quinn: Reggie, uh, please that's really offensive.

Reggie White: Oh, no, don't get me wrong. I hate Samoans.

Colin Quinn: Right. That's what I thought you meant.

Reggie White: Oh, good. I'm a little worried about being misunderstood, you know? Which is why I also want to be extra clear about my feelings of hatred towards midgets.

Colin Quinn: All right, I think that's enough.

Reggie White: Good question, Colin. I like that. Good question. Good question..... The bible does in fact condemn midgetry. I believe it was Jesus or God, who said, and I quote "thou shall not midget thy self." Hey Colin, you ever seen a midget in a suit? That is nasty. Nasty. I digress, man. The point is, every race and ethnic group has something unique to offer. For instance, midgets are good at being hated. Or take the gypsies. They good at being filthy, and lying and stealing things. Stole my hubcaps last week. You see what I mean?

Colin Quinn: No, I really don't, actually.

Reggie White: Gypsies and midgets, man. Gypsies and midgets. And you know what's even worse then that, them plain midgets? Is those really tall midgets you see walking around.

Colin Quinn: You mean...people?

Reggie White: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yes. Yes indeed. Yes indeed. Without a doubt, I hate them. I hate them. And that's really - and that's really what I'm trying to say here.

Colin Quinn: Right. Reggie White everybody.

Reggie White: Thanks for the support, Colin. I'll get you some tickets, come on down to the game.

Colin Quinn: I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.


Thanks to Chris Fuentes for this transcript!


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