97r: Greg Kinnear / All Saints
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Gunner Olsen.....Jim Breuer
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Oh-ho! Thanks, folks! Oh folks, what can I say? [chuckles] Hi, I'm Colin Quinn.
Okay....First article of business: President Clinton. [puts left hand inside his sportcoat] This week, you can't really abuse him. The stock market broke records all week, oil prices are the lowest since 1975, he went after the tobacco corporations, banned the import of automatic weapons, and helped stop a w - 500-year-old war in Ireland. [takes out a wad of money] I wanna buy this guy his next hooker! [slams the money on the desk] Come on, I'm serious! [some applause and cheers; looks at the money and picks it back up] Oh. Well, forget it. I didn't say where she'd be from! Now look...[puts the money back in his sportcoat]
An historic peace agreement was reached in Northern Ireland today. The talks, a 32-hour nonstop session, finally ended at 3 a.m. Friday. Of course they agreed then! You ever hang out with a group of Irish guys? You can get Irish guys to do anything at 3 a.m. on a Friday, all right?...They're not really in a condition to argue. That's when U2 thought of Zoo TV. You know? Some guy said, "Hey, you guys are the most politically relevant and talented band out there right now, why don't you ruin it all...by putting on funny hats and stupid sunglasses and making fun of yourselves?" [Irish accent] "Sounds good, fella." You know?...That was my...Irish accent.
You know...we here at "Weekend Update" are nonpardis - partisan, and we don't editorialize with our personal opinions, we take no sides in this...Irish matter. If you would like to send money to our nonpartisan fund, send it to Colin Quinn at [address appears on the screen behind Colin] "Dirty Brits out of Ireland"...care of Pete McGrath's Broken Capillary Tavern...on Bainbridge Avenue, Bronx, New York...[Irish accent] and there you have it!...Shouldn't keep pushing that accent. All right, look...
Last Sunday, Monica Lewinsky toured the birthplace of American democracy, Philadelphia's Independence Hall. In a statement to the press, she called the many exhibits about the Founding Fathers, quote, "mouth-watering." [some groans, then cheers and applause] Whoa!...That joke had a second wind, didn't it?
With the taping of the final episode of "Seinfeld" shrouded in secrecy, everyone is asking, "How does it end?" Hey, I know how it ends. With NBC Entertainment President Warren Littlefield lying drunk in a gutter going, "Nooooooo!!"
The biggest merger ever happened this week in the 81-billion-dollar merger with Travelers Insurance, which is Smith Barney, which is partly the old Shearson Leeman Brothers, plus you got the Salomon Brothers, Citibank, and a Saudi prince. Sounds like an honest enough group.
New York City wants to add the Chinese New Year to the list of holidays where off-to-the-side-of-the-street parking is suspended. They had to! You know how hard it is to park a 40-foot dragon?
The Dalai Lama is planning a trip to New Jersey next month, appearing at the Buddhist Learning Center in Franklin Township. Now that just doesn't sound very spiritual, I'm sorry, you know? Th - those Jersey radio ads? "Come to the Buddhist Learning Center and see the Dalai Lama! That's the Buddhist Learning Center at Exit 15, two exits north of the Paramis Mall!" You know?...It's like he's coming by to sign baseballs with Todd Hundley, you know? "This weekend, Paul O'Neill and the Dalai Lama at the Buddist Learning Center!"
In response to widespread criticism, producers of "The Jerry Springer Show" are vowing to cut down on the number of fights on the show. Now without the fights, what do you have? You don't have a show. It's like the Kenneth Starr investigation when Paula Jones is out of it, you know? Now we have nothing but Jerry Springer and Kenneth Starr. Two middle-aged guys with glasses who try to start trouble with hillbillies and their wives. [cheers and applause]...Unh! Thanks, folks!
A Texas representative is proposing a plan that could give the death penalty to children as young as 11. Now, I know this sounds cruel because an 11-year-old to us is little kids. But you talk fo - to a bunch of nine-year-olds that have to deal with them every day. They'd be like, you know, "Hell, I'd pull the switch!"
In an interview with the BBC, O.J. Simpson says that he never talks to his children about their mother's death. Although he is fond of telling the story of how he lopped off Ron Goldman's head with a butcher knife. [cheers and applause followed by a few boos]...Ooh ho ho, we don't...I, uh...I was comin' up there!
Muslims from all over the world made their annual pilgrimage to Mecca this week to commemorate the holiday Eid al Adha. Over a hundred of the Muslim pilgrims died in a stampede as they were performing a ritual known as "stoning the Devil." Unfortunately for them, the Devil was performing a ritual known as "crushing the pilgrims."...C'est la gere, you know what I mean?
10,000...10,000 Muslims who couldn't make the pilgrimage gathered at Coney Island to pray. Apparently, the tilt-a-whirl faces Mecca every three times around. [cheers and applause]
You know, in Los Angeles, rocker Tommy Lee pled no contest to his spousal abuse charges and must serve a six-month jail sentence. That's gotta be tough. One day you're married to this [photo of Pamela Anderson]...the next day you're married to this. [photo of a black prison inmate]
Well, it's Easter. But a lot of people forget what the holiday is all about, okay? So I'll explain the whole Holy Week thing to you. It begins on Palm Sunday, Jesus comes to town. Now on Wednesday, Judas pulls a Sammy "The Bull" on Jesus, right?...That's what happened. Holy Thursday was the Last Supper. First, Jesus washes all the Apostles' feet, which was a very humble thing, he was trying to show his humility, and 'cause those feet were dirty. Everyone wore sandals in those days. I'm sure that the Apostles had nice sandals, they were the Apostles, you know? They have to convince people that Jesus is the Son of God, they can't be walkin' around in flip-flops, all right?...Then that night, the elders grab Jesus, put him in jail; the next morning the crowd chooses Barabbas, a murderer, to let him go over Jesus. Can somebody say "Los Angeles jury"...on that one?...They crucify him...Jesus, y-- a lot of people don't realize he was crucified with two thieves. Both of them spend the rest of eternity telling people, "I was crucified on Good Friday too, you know." Nobody cares. It's like, you know, it's like "Murphy Brown" ending their show the same week as "Seinfeld." Who's gonna care, right?...And then on Easter Sunday, he resurrected, and in that single act, it all changed, folks. If that had not happened, all the Christians would be slack-jawed druids. There would be no Christmas, Al Roker wouldn't like the Rockefeller Center tree, he would just go out to the skating rink and slaughter a calf, all right? I've seen him do that, but, you know. There would be no paintings until 1900, there would've been no paintings 'til, like, 1900. The Met would be filled with pictures of dogs playing poker. All right?...Madonna wouldn't be named "Madonna," of course. There'd be no Madonna; she'd be, like, Marlene, a scared little lonely girl from Detroit....And isn't that who she really is, anyway? Baby...all right, that was a little unnerving, I know it. All right?
Now, in an effort to help younger viewers understand today's top stories, here's the heavy metal news with Gunner Olsen.
[pan over to Gunner, whose voice is amplified and often fluctuates in pitch]
Gunner Olsen: Yeah! [lights dim, guitar riffs begin playing] Yeah! I can sense a good house tonight! [Colin laughs] Colin Quinn! Are you ready for the NEEEEWWWS, YEAH!
Colin: Yes I am, Gunner.
Gunner: I said...ARE YOU READYYYYYYY FOR TONIGHT'S TOP STORIES?
Colin: And for the second time, yes. I am.
Gunner: Here's some headlines from The New York Times-ah!
[A heavy metal tune begins playing. Audience cheers as Gunner bangs his head and pumps his fist. Gunner starts singing.]
[all lyrics appear one line at a time at the bottom of the screen]
Dow Jones rising
more and more
with the merger
of Traveler's and Citicorps
War in Northern Ireland
has finally ceased
Protestants and Catholics
will have peace! [holds the words "peace" for several seconds; cheers]
Yeah! [Colin laughs] I like you!...Now! That's it! We're gonna sing along TO THE SPORTS NEWS! [bangs his head, then resumes singing]
Fuzzy Zoeller, Tiger Woods
competing at The Masters
World Champ Marlins
What a disaster!
[tune becomes slower and sadder]
New York Knicks in eighth place
Fans are really booing,
all they really want is
the return of Patrick Ewing. [holds the word "Ewing" for several seconds]
[back to normal] ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!...YOU GOT ME GOING CRAZY!! [cheers] YOU READY TO WRAP IT UP? [cheers]...WE'RE GONNA WRAP IT UP WITH SOME HOLIDAY NEEWS-AH! [stands up; crowds cheers as he pumps his fist and bangs his head; makes a face, then resumes singing]
[ends every other line in this section with a high pitch]
Love her or hate her
Tonight she's going to
a Passover seder
Last show of "Seinfeld"
Will it be funny?
Guess who comes tomorrow [gets on top of the desk]
the Easter Bunny! [audience cheers as he holds the word "Bunny" for several seconds]
["Easter Bunny!" flashes on the screen]
[begins to get Colin and the audience involved]
Easter Bunny! [flashing lyrics disappear]
[Colin sits there, amused]
COME ON! EASTER BUNNY!
BUN - BUN - BUN - BUN...
[crowd cheers as he stage dives off the desk; lights come back up]
Colin: Gunner Olsen, everybody! I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it! [tune ends; still amused over Gunner's performance]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson