The Ladies Man
Leon Phelps.....Tim Meadows
Caller #1.....Colin Quinn
Caller #2.....Will Ferrell
[ open on title card, Leon Phelps silhoetted in the background amongst a roomful of sex paraphernalia ]
Announcer: Ooh, yeah! It's time for.. "The Ladies Man."
Leon Phelps: Hey, what's happening, and welcome to "The Ladies Man". The love line with all the right responses to your romantic queries. I'm Leon Phelps, and how y'all doin' tonight? [ audience cheers wildly ] Yes. Well, good. That is good! That is very good! I'm doin' alright, let me see.. I for my Courvoisier here. [ holds up the bottle ] That's right! And I've also got my Viagra! [ holds up the Viagra container ] Yeah! Yeah, that's right, you heard me! Yeah, now - Viagra - that's a new sex drug. Now, if you are uninformed about this new scientific wonder, then I will tell you that is used for a very sensitive problem that some unfortunate men must suffer with. And I'm talking, of course, about chronic fatigue syndrome of the wang. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. Or, what I like to call Old Man's Penis. Yeah! You know.. [ singing ] Old Man's Pe-nis!
Now.. according to the doctors, now, this Viagra can help those sad men who suffer from Chronic Wangular Softitude.. um.. by producing a very highly sophisticated pharmacalogical hardifying of the wang, you see? It is all very scientific, but I am prepared to answer any questions that, uh, you many have, because I am Leon Phelps.. the Ladies Man! So.. go ahead, Caller!
Caller #1: Hi. Ladies Man? I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but.. for years now, I've been suffering from.. impotency.
Leon Phelps: Ye-eah.. impotency. Now.. what is that?
Caller #1: You know, the reason why people take Viagra?
Leon Phelps: Oh, yeah, then.. oh, well you suffer from Old Man's Penis.
Caller #1: No! Well.. yeah, I guess so.
Leon Phelps: Mmm-hmm.
Caller #1: Anyway, I'm calling to ask you if you know if the drug works.
Leon Phelps: Well, Caller, uh.. the doctors all say that it works.. but, then, uh.. I have never trusted a doctor, I mean, uh.. I had one doctor tell me that I had a venereal disease, um.. but it turned out it wasn't me who had the venereal disase. It was seven to eight of my lady friends who had it. So you can never really trust doctors.
But, Caller.. you do pose a very interesting query. Now, does Vigara work, right? Yeah, well.. I am prepared to answer that question here on "The Ladies Man". Because I am Leon Phelps. I will take a small dose of Viagra to see if it has any effect on a 100% healthy man, such as me. And I think you know what I mean when I say 100% healthy! I think youk now what I mean! [ opens container ] Alright, let's see here - it says "Recommended dosage: 1 tablet." Okay. [ shakes out one tablet ] Well, what the hell - I'll just take it all! [ shakes out all the tablets and begins to chew them ]
Mmm.. yeah! These Viagras are good! Mmmm-hmm.. [ chewing ] Tastes like chocolate. Okay.. now.. I have taken the Viagra.. and, if the doctors are correct, then this pill will work only if I am aroused. Okay? And, to arouse me tonight - I have chosen this very sexy picture of Ms. Delta Burke. [ holds up huge picture of Delta Burke ] Yeah! And, to de-arouse me - I have chosen this butt-ugly picture of Sally Jesse Raphael. [ holds up picture of Sally Jesse Raphael ] Yeah. Okay. And.. I demonstrate.
[ stares lovingly into the picture of Delta Burke ]
Oh yeah, okay, this is working! Ye-eah.. this is definitely working down below. Yeah! Yeah! I can feel that! Yeah, it's working good! [ chuckles ] Maybe a little too good. I gotta take me some Courvoisier and cleanse the palette here. Whoo! [ sips his Courvoisier ]
Alright.. now, in contrast, I will look at this disgusting picture of Sally Jesse Raphael. Okay. [ stares disgustedly into the picture of Sally Jesse Raphael ] Okay, this is strange now.. I was expecting a little bit of softitude.. um, but, instead, I'm still aroused. [ drops the picture ] Okay, this is not good, this is not good. Uh, usually it only takes me a bottle of Courvoisier and some Lou Rawls to get excited, you know? I think that the Ladies Man is having what you might call a "bad trip", due to these crazy wang pills, okay? How about if we take a call. Go ahead, Caller.
Caller #2: Uh, hello, Ladies Man. My name is Kent Foldger. Uh, let me tell ya - the last time my wife and I made love was the day I came home from the Korean War. But, with this Viagra stuff, we've been going at it like dogs in heat!
Leon Phelps: [ chuckling ] Yeah! That sounds alright to me! Now, uh, how old are you?
Caller #2: Well.. I'm 76, and the little lady is 80 years old.
Leon Phelps: [ processing this information ] Yeah.. well, that's disgusting. Um.. no, that is not good. I'm sorry. Um, but, I must say, after all those Viagra I took, it doesn't sound that disgusting, you know! now, how is that 80-year old as on that old lady of yours?
Caller #2: It's a hum-dinger!
Leon Phelps: [ chuckles ] Damn, that sounds good! Well, good luck, old dude! That's nice. Okay, now I am definitely having a bad trip, because I am still thinking about those naked old people. And that ain't good. So, if I don't get out of here and find me a sweet, bustacious skank, I might do something disgusting that I might really regret. So, uh, to all of you out there, all I can say is: "Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night!"