Alex Trebek.....Wil Ferrell
Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond
Minnie Driver.....Molly Shannon
Jeff Goldblum.....David Duchovny
Alex Trebek: Welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy"! We've got quite a contest going on here, lets take a look at the scores. Sean Connery is in second place with -$6,500..
Sean Connery: Only on accountability!
Alex Trebek: Great. Uh.. Minnie Dryver is in first with a commanding score of 0.
Minnie Driver: [ repeatedly presses buzzer until it beeps ] Umm.. what is history?
Alex Trebek: We haven't started playing yet! And finally, Jeff
Goldblum, with an incredible -$17,800.
Jeff Goldblum: [ gestures to the audience and blows a kiss ] Well.. uh, yes.. I suppose I do.
Alex Trebek: Better luck to all of you, in the next round. It's time for Double Jeopardy, let's take a look at the board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables", "Literature".. which is just a big word for books.. "Therapists", "Current U.S. Presidents", "Show and Tell", "Household Objects", and finally, "One-Letter Words". Anyway, Jeff Goldblum, you are in third place, so the board is yours.
Jeff Goldblum: Well.. uh, this is.. uh, Jeopardy.. Seeing as there are.. uh.. one, two, three, four, five. six.. ahh ..seven.. uh, seven different catagories..
Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] Right, Mr. Connery. why don't you pick?
Sean Connery: It looks like this is my lucky day! I'll take "The
Rapists" for $200.
Alex Trebek: That's "Therapists." That's "Therapists," not "The
Rapists." Let's skip "Therapists" and try "Household Objects", for $400. And the answer is, "You usually drink water out of one of these." [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: A leather glove!
Alex Trebek: No. [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.
Minnie Driver: A toilet!
Alex Trebek: That is awful. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum: [ marvels at the buzzer until time runs out ]
Alex Trebek: And you're an idiot! The answer was "a glass."
Sean Connery: Then the day is mine!
Alex Trebek: [ hesitant ] Technically, it's still Mr. Goldblum's
board, but since he's a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again.
Sean Connery: Ohhhh, I'll play your game, you rogue! Let's try
"The Rapists" for $20.
Alex Trebek: How about "Show and Tell" for $600? I'll just show you an object, and you'll tell me what it is, okay?
Sean Connery: It's a man with a mustache!
Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I am not the object. I haven't shown it to you yet. Here it is. [ holds up a hammer ] Name this object! [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.
Minnie Driver: It's a popsicle!
Alex Trebek. No. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum, name this object.
Jeff Goldblum: Yes. Uh,. thank you. That's a..uh.. a what-do-you-call-it when you.. umm.. When you... when you punish criminals in.. uh.. days of yore. It was a.. And you'd put them in the.. uh.. the square in those.. you know.. uh..
Alex Trebek: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?
Jeff Goldblum: Yes, exactly! [ timer sounds ]
Alex Trebek: It's a freaking hammer!
Jeff Goldblum: Well, of course it is!
Sean Connery: Now, listen to me! You back off, Trebek! You wouldn't have known that if you didn't have that card in front of you! [ to Goldblum ] This guy reads from a card!
Alex Trebek: Whatever. Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents", for $400. And the answer is: "He is the current U.S. President." [ no responses, so more clue is revealed ] "He has white hair, and you've probably seen him in the news.." "..His first name is 'Bill'.." [ no responses ] "..Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently.." "..His last name is Clinton!.." "..His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, 'Who is Bill Clinton?'." [ still no responses ] Someone just say it! Anyone. [ timer sounds ] ..And the show has reached a new low.
Sean Connery: And I'm the cock of the walk!
Alex Trebek: Alright, let's just move on to "Final Jeopardy". And the category is: "Letters of the Alphabet." All you have to do is write down a letter. Any letter at all. For instance, "A" or "G". [ "Final Jeopardy Theme" plays, as the contestants write furiously ] There is no reason why any of you should be writing this much! Please just write down a letter of the alphabet. [ pan across contestants to Jeff Goldblum waving his arms around in slow strides ] Mr. Goldblum evidently doing Tai Chi over there.. [ time runs out ] Okay, for the sake of tradition, let's take a look at the answers. Sean Connery, you wrote: [ picture of a large hand giving "The Finger" appears ] Okay, that is definitely not a letter.
Sean Connery: Ha-Haa!!
Alex Trebek: Beautiful. Just beautiful. Minnie Driver, let's see what you wrote. [ screen reveals a drawing of an eye ] You drew a picture of an eye.
Minnie Driver: Well, "I" is a letter isn't it?
Alex Trebek: Are you English or retarded? Let's go to Jeff Goldblum, who appears to still be doing Tai Chi. Let's see what your answer was. [ screen reveals a huge number 2 ] The number 2.
Jeff Goldblum: Ah-hah ah-hah ah-hah.. the letter 2, my friend!
Alex Trebek: No, 2 is a number.
Jeff Goldblum: I, uh.. I can't read or write.
Alex Trebek: Good for you. Well, as always, three perfectly good charities have been deprived of money, here on "Celebrity Jeopardy". I'm Alex Trebek, and the three of you should be ashamed of yourselves! Good night!
Thanks to Dustin of Saturday Night Live '97-'98
for this transcript.
Thanks to CarriK the Transcriber of The David Duchovny Archives for this transcript.