Spartan Cheerleaders

Arianna.....Cheri Oteri
Craig.....Will Ferrell
Dale Heavener.....David Duchovney
Cheerleader #1.....Ana Gasteyer
Cheerleader #2.....Molly Shannon
.....Paula Abdul

Dale: Everybody word up, word up, word up! Okay cool. For those who havenít taken my splits and hurkey-jerkey jump workshop, Iím Dale Heavener...Ēthe HeavenaterĒ and Iíd like to welcome everyone to the Spirit Stick Competition here at Camp Paula Abdul! Okay you guys have been working your butts off this week and I think you sizzle, and I think your cheering has been triple wicked. Alright, everybody get a good seat over there because weíre ready to pump up the jam!

Okay on a serious tip, whoever cut the front out of my speedo...not cool. Because that was my only speedo you guys so, enough said. Whew! Okay now here is the squad from East Lake high school, and they call themselves ďPep Daddy!Ē

(Audience screams and applauds)

Craig and Arianna:
All aboard! Butt, butt, butt, butt,
Butt, butt, butt, butt UGLY!
Youíre butt ugly!
We are the mighty Spartans riding up your astroturf
People say youíre so ugly Godzilla gave you birth!

Arianna: Hey! Whoís that Spartan gettiní a wedgie?

Craig: Itís me! Itís me!

Arianna: I said whoís that Spartan gettiní a wedgie?

Craig: Itís me! Itís me!

Uh-huh! Uh-uh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

Arianna: Come on guys! Itís not just for strippers anymore!

Craig: Thatís right!

(Dale comes running by them, almost knocking Arianna over)

Dale: Sorry about guys should call yourselves jalepeno because, whew, you are so hot.

(All three do kicks)

Dale: Okay settle, settle. Letís find out more about Craig and Arianna.

Arianna: name is Arianna and Iím just like Mary Tyler Moore except I donít have a Jewish friend. Um, Iím coming to terms with my small chest. And despite my bike accident Iím still technically a virgin. (Jumping up and down)

Dale: Okay, sex can wait!

All Three: masterbate!

Dale: Okay, Craig, what about you?

Craig: Well Iím a Taurus which means I can be stubborn, plus Iím afraid of water sports.

Dale: Uh-oh, someoneís afraid to take off their shirt. Back hair?

Craig: Guilty as charged

Dale: Believe me, I can relate. My nipples are the size of dinner plates.

Arianna: Not attractive, not attractive!

Craig: Dinner plates. No.

(All three jumping and kicking)

Dale: Okay are you guys ready for your power cheer?

Craig & Arianna: Alright!

The Spartans hate to brag but weíre a real hum-dinger
Weíre gonna kick your butt like a guest on Jerry Springer
I say who you talkiní to, who you talkiní to, who you talkiní to Uh!

I am a hooker
I ainít got no teeth
I killed my husband
With a Christmas wreath

I say who you talkiní to
Who you talkiní to
Who you talkiní to

Iím a transvestite
Whoís stealing drugs
ĎCause my redneck daddy
Never gave me hugs

I say who you talkiní to!
Final thought!

Arianna: Whoo! Jerry Springer! Get the message guys!

Dale: Whoa, that cheer was funktagious guys. Okay I think the judges are ready for their scores.

Arianna: Oh my God, Craig. (Grabbing Craigís hand)

Announcer: For creativity...0.3

Craig and Arianna: Yes!

Announcer: For athleticism...0.6

Arianna: .6!

Announcer: For difficulty...0.0

Craig and Arianna: Awww!

Announcer: For lameness..10

Craig and Arianna: Yes! Yes!

Arianna: Oh Craig we nailed it! Paula Abdul would be so proud!

Dale: Listen guys, Iíve been tight with Paula since she was a Laker girl, and I know two things about her. One, she loves to have her hair brushed. And two, sheís a stickler for pep jumps and booty work.

(Two cheerleaders walk up to them)

Cheerleader #1: Attention all ass vaccuums.

Craig and Arianna: Yes?

Cheerleader #1: According to the rule book, you have to have at least four in your squad to get a spirit stick.

Cheerleader #2: Yes and one, guys are both disqualified.

Arianna: Craig? Craig, what are we gonna do?

Dale: Hey if you donít mind a 37 year old who collects Barbies, Iíd be glad to join your squad.

Craig: Thanks Dale but thatís only three. We need four to compete.

(Sound of a helicopter off camera)

Arianna: Craig! A helicopter! I think itís Rosie Perez!

Craig: No, I think itís Debbie Allen!

Dale: If itís who I think it is Iím gonna saturate my speedo.

(Paula Abdul walks over)

All Three: Paula Abdul! Oh my God! Paula Abdul!

Dale: Paula Abdul, you are my goddess! Youíre my goddess! Can I brush your hair?

Paula: No Dale.

Dale: Okay is that because Iím your coworker?

Paula: No, itís because your nipples are the size of dinner plates.

Dale: Oh yes, not good.

Paula: (Pulls a Barbie from behind her back) Here, play with this.

Dale: Oh, itís Malibu Bubble Barbie! Completes the set!

Arianna: (Singing) Paula, straight up now tell us are you gonna be the fourth member of our squa-a-ad? (Does kick)

Paula: Actually Iím here to collect your registration fees.

Arianna: Ahhh!

Paula: Oh, and Iíll be the fourth member on your super squad! (Hugs Arianna) Okay, get!

Arianna: Yeah!

(All four dance to ďPlay that Funky Music White Boy.Ē Awesome dance.)

Thanks to Jenni C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts