Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


September 26th, 1998

Cameron Diaz

Smashing Pumpkins

None

Hugh Fink

Dan Aykroyd

Steve Martin

Oprah 2002
Summary: In the year 2002, Oprah Winfrey (Tim Meadows) the key players in the 1998 Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) sex scandal.

Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp.

Transcript


Montage
Note: After a year's absence, featured performers are included in the cast, though newcomers Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz are not credited in this episode.


Cameron Diaz's Monologue
Summary: Cameron Diaz confronts an innocent audience member (Hugh Fink).

Also Hosted: 01p, 04p.

Transcript


MasterCard


The View
Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Meredith Viera, Starr Jones, Debbie Matenapolous.


Oops! I Crapped My Pants
Summary: Undergarments for the elderly that can hold up to a gallon of fecal matter.

Transcript


The Ladies Man
Summary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) and a local actress (Cameron Diaz) recreate scenes from the KennethStarr Report.

Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.

Transcript


The Best of the First 20 Minutes
Summary: SNL's latest episode is rushed to videotape before it has even fully aired.


The New Hollywood Squares
Summary: The celebrity-filled board has collapsed, but the game show will go on.


TV Funhouse
Summary: Rob Smigel's "Fun With Real Audio" features outtakes of President Bill Clinton's address on the Starr Report.

Transcript


Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Summary: Dominican Lou (Tracy Morgan) tries to sell Gary Giatti's record-breaking baseball.

Recurring Characters: Dominican Lou.

Transcript


Smashing Pumpkins performs "Perfect"
Also Performed: 93e, 95e.


Roxbury Guys
Summary: Roxbury Guys Doug (Chris Kattan) and Steve Butabi (Will Ferrell) lose the girl (Cameron Diaz) to aged Festrunk Brothers, Georg (Dan Aykroyd) and Yortuk (Steve Martin).

Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi, Georg Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk.

Transcript


Witches Brew
Summary: A trio of witches use metaphors to describe their foul-smelling brew.

Transcript


Gap Ad I
Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.

Transcript


Jingleheimer Junction
Summary: Newcomer Fred Friendship (Will Ferrell) ruins the sanctimony of the Jingleheimer acronoym.

Transcript


Gap Ad II
Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.

Transcript


Spice Girls


Maakies
Summary: In a film by Tony Millionaire, a crow's dead-end job finally leads him to a suicide purchase.


Gap Ad III
Recurring Characters: Kenneth Starr.

Transcript


Goodnights



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