Saturday Night Live Transcripts
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Season 24: Episode 1
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 Air Date:
Host:
Musical Guest:
Special Guests:
Cameos:
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September 26th, 1998
Cameron Diaz
Smashing Pumpkins
None
Hugh Fink
Dan Aykroyd
Steve Martin
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Oprah 2002
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Summary: In the year 2002, Oprah Winfrey (Tim Meadows) the key players in the 1998 Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and Monica Lewinsky (Molly Shannon) sex scandal.
Recurring Characters: Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp.
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Montage
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Note: After a year's absence, featured performers are included in the cast, though newcomers Jimmy Fallon, Chris Parnell and Horatio Sanz are not credited in this episode.
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Cameron Diaz's Monologue
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Summary: Cameron Diaz confronts an innocent audience member (Hugh Fink).
Also Hosted: 01p, 04p.
Transcript
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The View
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Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Meredith Viera, Starr Jones, Debbie Matenapolous.
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Oops! I Crapped My Pants
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Summary: Undergarments for the elderly that can hold up to a gallon of fecal matter.
Transcript
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The Ladies Man
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Summary: Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows) and a local actress (Cameron Diaz) recreate scenes from the KennethStarr Report.
Recurring Characters: Leon Phelps.
Transcript
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The Best of the First 20 Minutes
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Summary: SNL's latest episode is rushed to videotape before it has even fully aired.
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The New Hollywood Squares
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Summary: The celebrity-filled board has collapsed, but the game show will go on.
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TV Funhouse
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Summary: Rob Smigel's "Fun With Real Audio" features outtakes of President Bill Clinton's address on the Starr Report.
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Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
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Summary: Dominican Lou (Tracy Morgan) tries to sell Gary Giatti's record-breaking baseball.
Recurring Characters: Dominican Lou.
Transcript
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Smashing Pumpkins performs "Perfect"
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Also Performed: 93e, 95e.
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Roxbury Guys
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Summary: Roxbury Guys Doug (Chris Kattan) and Steve Butabi (Will Ferrell) lose the girl (Cameron Diaz) to aged Festrunk Brothers, Georg (Dan Aykroyd) and Yortuk (Steve Martin).
Recurring Characters: Doug Butabi, Steve Butabi, Georg Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk.
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Witches Brew
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Summary: A trio of witches use metaphors to describe their foul-smelling brew.
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Gap Ad I
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Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton.
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Jingleheimer Junction
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Summary: Newcomer Fred Friendship (Will Ferrell) ruins the sanctimony of the Jingleheimer acronoym.
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Gap Ad II
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Recurring Characters: Hillary Clinton.
Transcript
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Maakies
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Summary: In a film by Tony Millionaire, a crow's dead-end job finally leads him to a suicide purchase.
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Gap Ad III
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Recurring Characters: Kenneth Starr.
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SNL Transcripts
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