Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Witches Brew

Witch 1....Ana Gasteyer
Witch 2....Cameron Diaz
Witch 3....Molly Shannon
Witch 4....Cheri Oteri
Voice 1.....Will Ferrell
Voice 2.....Chris Kattan
Voice 3.....Tracy Morgan
.....Jonathan Richman
.....Tommy Larkins

(Opens with a shot of foggy mountains, cut to 3 witches dressed in black, stirring a big, black, boiling pot with wooden sticks. The 3 witches chant in their witchy voices)

All: "Double!, double! Toil and trouble! fire burn and cauldron bubble!"(Evil laughs)

Witch 1: Eye of newt shall seal thy fate!(drops some in the pot)

Witch 2: And wing of bat turns love to hate!(Drops some too, in the pot)

Witch 3: More!, more! My sisters put some more to strengthen this dread elixir!

Witch 2: Yes, yes my sisters. Stir round, stir round

(The 3 keep stirring)

Witch 1: Yes, yes boy!(normal voice, no witchy voice)This is starting to get pretty rank!

Witch 3: (normal voice, no witchy voice)Oh God! It stinks! Ugh! What did you put in there!

Witch 1: I don't know, man but it's really nasty! It's starting to get a skin on it!

Witch 2: (normal voice)What is that smell like?!

Witch 3: It smells like a....(smells)like a men's room at a truck stop!

Witch 1: Uh-huh, its worse than that! Its like an alley behind an Indian restaurant.

Witch 2: No, that's not it. It smells like somebody peeing on a pile of burning hair!

Witch 3: Its terrible! The pot is ruined now!

(They all cover their noses)

Witch 1: Man alive!! What is that smell?!

Witch 2: God!, it smells like a cafeteria steam tray full of ass!!

Witch 3: No, it's more like someone dropped a rancid pork chop into a port-o-toilet.

Witch 1: Ugh! I got it. It smells like a bunch of longshoremen having sex in a butcher shop.

Witch 2: This is just plain stinky!

Witch 3: My eyes are starting to water!

Witch 2: What is that?!(coughs)

Witch 3: It smells like they're cremating people next to like a hot dog factory!

Witch 1: Oh! This reeks!

Witch 2: It smells like tuna fish....tuna fish watered down, served through Andre the giant's ass!!

Witch 1: Oh, my God!

Witch 3: No. It's more like...

Witch 1: Its like a porno theater or something. A porno theater after the air conditioning broke.

Witch 3: Oh, oh man!

(Voice from down the valley, off camera)

Voice 1: Hey! What the holy hell are you witches burning up there?!!

Witch 3: Sorry! Got a little out of control.

Voice 1: I'll say it got a little out of control! Good night nurse! It smells like a jock strap full of cottage cheese!!

Witch 2: Hey!, once again, you know, sorry!!

Witch 3: Sorry!

Witch 1: We should really do something about this.

Witch 3: Yeah.

(Another witch arrives, witchy voice)

Witch 4: Hello my sisters! Sorry I'm late but...(normal voice)Sweet mother of pearl!! What the hell happened up here!!

Witch 3: Everything is under control.

Witch 4: My aunt Fanny's ass is under control! It smells like a sumo wrestler took a dump on a burning tire!!

Witch 2: Listen, we just don't know what to do!

Witch 4: Well, you better do something! It smells like a trucker's roid cushion!

Witch 1: I think I have something that might cover up the smell.

Witch 4: Forget that! I'm outta here! Damn!!

(Witch 1 produces a bottle and drops a green liquid from the bottle into the pot. Green steam rises up)

Witch 1: This should do it. I think it will be fine.

(The 3 witches make disgusted faces)

All: Aaaaaawwwww!!!!!

Witch 1: It made it worse!!

Witch 2: Oh, my God! Look! It's spreading down into the valley.

(Voices from down the valley, off camera)

Voice 2: Oh! That is terrible!

Voice 1: What is that?!! It stinks!!

Voice 2: It smells like zombie poo!

Voice 3: That is nasty! It smells like sasquatch's nuts!!

Voice 1: Oh, man! That is rough!

Witch 2: Sorry! Look, it got out of hand!

Voice 2: Got out of hand? It smells like a diaper full of shrimp!

Witch 1: We should get out of here, really. Yeah, we should just get out of here.

Witch 3: Yeah.

Witch 2: Hey! Sorry everyone! It was our bad!

Witch 3: Sorry!

Witch 2: Sorry!

Witch 3: Sorry!

(Witches leave. Camera pans across and there's the two singing dudes from There Something About Mary. One plays a little tambourine and the other plays the guitar and sings)

Jonathan Richman: That fragrance came wafting from the hill and from the moor, how shall we describe that odor so pure, how shall we describe that odor so sweet, how about rotten pumpkins and Keith Richards feet.(laughs)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts