Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1




98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

TV Funhouse

President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond

[Pompous broadcast news music accompanies the FUN WITH REAL AUDIO PRESENTS title card featuring the usual animated, grinning reel-to-reel tape machine. Cut to a second title card: PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS OUTTAKES. A pair of hands holding a filmmaker's clapboard is visible on the right. Cut to President Bill Clinton, seated at his desk in the Oval Office, addressing the camera, attempting to deliver his August 17, 1998 "Address to the Nation on Testimony Before the Independent Counsel's Grand Jury."]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testified before the Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered-- I--

[Clinton pauses, looks down, gestures to someone under the desk. After a moment, a busty blonde woman emerges from beneath the desk and exits. The pair of hands with the clapboard appears from the right and signals a second take.]

Bill Clinton: [continues] ... before the Independent Counsel and the grand jury. [Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr skulks into view behind Clinton, holds up a blue dress stained with presidential semen to the camera, then exits.] I answered their questions truthfully ... [Starr returns, holds up stained red dress, then a pair of stained high-heeled shoes.] ... including questions about my private life. [Starr exits quickly as Clinton turns to look at him.] Questions no American citizen would--

[Starr returns and holds up a purple dress that is drenched and dripping with presidential bodily fluids. Clinton jumps up and attacks Starr - they bitch-slap one another. Clapboard signals a third take. Cut to Clinton, alone again, seated at his desk, addressing the camera.]

Bill Clinton: Good evening. This afternoon, I testified before the Independent Counsel and the grand jur--

[Camera pulls back slowly to reveal semen stains on the front of the desk. An aide rushes into view and waves for Clinton to stop. Clinton, palms up, shrugs in confusion. Clapboard signals a fourth take. Cut to a tighter shot of Clinton, seated at his desk, addressing the camera.]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testified before the Independent Counsel and the gr--

[Framed, semen-stained painting of George Washington falls from above and lands on the desk next to Clinton. Clapboard signals a fifth take.]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, I testified before the Independent Counsel ... [Semen drips from the ceiling onto the president's head] ... and the grand jury-- the grand--

[Distracted, Clinton pauses and rubs his semen-stained hair with his hand. Clapboard signals a sixth take. Cut to Clinton, seated at his desk, addressing the camera. His hair, caked with semen, sticks straight up -- just like the title character in the Cameron Diaz film "There's Something About Mary."]

Bill Clinton: Good evening. This afternoon, I testified before the Independent Counsel and--

[An aide rushes into view and waves for Clinton to stop. Clinton, palms up, shrugs in confusion.]

Bill Clinton: I did not do anything improper.

[As more semen rains down from above, the aide signals for help. A man with a towel enters to mop up and nearly slips on the semen-stained floor. Take seven. Cut to Clinton, seated in the White House Map Room, addressing the camera.]

Bill Clinton: This afternoon, in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Independent Counsel and the grand jury. [The ghost of former President Richard Nixon magically appears next to Clinton.] I answered their quest--

[Nixon's ghost grabs Clinton's speech from him, crumples it up, tosses it over his shoulder. He then takes out some blank paper and a pen, handing these to Clinton. Nixon then begins to pace the room while dictating a speech to Clinton who dutifully writes it down.]

Richard Nixon: [from Nixon's infamous 1974 resignation speech] I must put the interests of America first. Therefore, I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow.

[Clinton looks up, eyes and mouth wide open -- he doesn't like the sound of that.]

Richard Nixon: [segues into Nixon's infamous "I'm not a crook" speech] I'm not a crook. Not a crook. Not a crook, crook, crook.

[Clinton jerks a thumb at Nixon, gesturing for the Secret Service to get rid of him. Two agents enter and try to grab Nixon but he is an intangible ghost and keeps right on pacing and dictating.]

Richard Nixon: [segues into Nixon's infamous 1950s "Checkers" speech] It was a cocker spaniel dog and our little girl, Tricia, named it "Checkers." And, you know, the kids love the dog--

[One agent tries to catch Nixon in a heavy U.S. MAIL bag -- to no avail. Take eight. Cut to Clinton, alone again, still seated in the White House Map Room, addressing the camera -- Nixon has disappeared for the moment but Kenneth Starr enters and exits repeatedly during Clinton's speech.]

Bill Clinton: Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. [Starr appears at left gripping a pulley rope and lowers a semen-stained donkey from the ceiling.] That is all I can do. [Starr props a stiff, semen-stained Al Gore against a bureau behind Clinton. Gore holds a sign reading: GORE 2000.] Now, it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to-- [Starr wheels in a table with the semen-soaked purple dress under a microscope. Starr peers into the microscope, then points to the eyepiece. Cut to a microscopic view of nine wiggling sperm -- all have bodies resembling Clinton's head.]

Bill Clinton's Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitched voices] I did not have sexual relations with that woman!

[Cut back to Clinton addressing the camera. Starr now holds the microscope over the donley's semen stain.]

Bill Clinton: We - we have important work--

[Cut to a microscopic view of more wiggling Clinton sperm.]

Bill Clinton's Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitched voices] I did not have sexual relations with that woman!

[Cut back to Clinton who has risen and is whacking at Starr with a flyswatter. Starr tries to protect the immobile Gore from damage.]

Bill Clinton: I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months ...

[Cut back to microscopic view of more wiggling Clinton sperm. They seem to be multiplying rapidly.]

Bill Clinton's Sperm: [squeaky, high-pitched voices] I did not have sexual relations with that woman!

Bill Clinton: ... to repair the fabric of our national discourse.

[Cut back to Clinton still whacking at Starr with a flyswatter. He turns on the donkey and starts whacking it, too. Starr rushes to protect the donkey from damage. The glowing spirit of Richard Nixon swoops in and demonically possesses Clinton's body. Suddenly, Clinton is channeling Nixon: imitating Nixon's trademark slouch, his voice and his gestures. Patriotic music.]

Clinton as Nixon: [from Nixon's infamous 1974 farewell speech to the White House staff] Always remember, those who hate you don't win unless you hate them -- and, then, you destroy yourself.

[Clinton glows and Nixon's spirit flies out of Clinton's body and soars away. Clinton, his old self again, smiles forgivingly at Starr. Both men hug each other warmly. After a moment, Clinton starts humping Starr and Starr violently shoves him away and off screen. Cut to the FUN WITH REAL AUDIO graphic with smiling reel-to-reel tape machine. Cut to end credits and "TV Funhouse" theme song.]


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