Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1





98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Jingleheimer Junction

Jingleheimer Joe.....Tim Meadows
Katie Kindness.....Cameron Diaz
Carla Caring.....Ana Gasteyer
Umberto Unity.....Horatio Sanz
Fred Friendship.....Will Ferrell

Jingleheimer Joe: [ entering the set ] Well, hello, hello. Glad to see you all back again with ol' Jingleheimer Joe for more good times. So, let's all become friends and get in a togetherness mood, with your good old pals, the Junction Gang.

[ train whistle sound effect. Katie Kindness, with "K" on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Katie Kindness!

[ train whistle sound effect. Carla Caring, with "C" on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Carla Caring!

[ train whistle sound effect. Umberto Unity, with "U" on chest, enters side door ]

Jingleheimer Joe: And Umberto Unity!

[ the kids are lined up to Jingleheimer Joe's right: Umberto Unity, Carla Caring and Katie Kindness, the letters on their chests spelling out "UCK" ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Hey, Junction Gang! How are you all today?

Katie Kindness: Better than ever!

Carla Caring: We made a new friend! He's going to join the Junction Gang!

Jingleheimer Joe: [ curious ] New friend? I didn't hear anything about a new friend.

Carla Caring: Well, why don't you meet him?

Katie Kindness: Hey, new friend! Come on down!

( train whistle sound effect. Fred Friendship, with "F" on chest, enters back door, stands next to Katie Kindness, spelling "UCKF")

Umberto Unity: Meet our new friend, Fred Friendship!

Fred Friendship: "F" is for "Friendship"!

Jingleheimer Joe: Um.. I'm not sure that this is a good idea.

Katie Kindness: Not a good idea? Why, friendship is the best idea!

Carla Caring: In fact, I think Fred Friendship should go to the front of the line!

Jingleheimer Joe: Uh.. no, no. He shouldn't.

Fred Friendship: [ excited ] Yes, I should!

Umberto Unity: To the front of the line, Fred!

Jingleheimer Gang: [ chanting ] "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"! "F"!

[ Freddie Friendship dances slowly to the front of the line ]

[ cut to "Please Stand By" graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]

[ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, Fred, that's enough of you! It's time for you to get out of here, okay!

Katie Kindness: Jingleheimer Joe, that's not being friendly.

Fred Friendship: No, it's not!

Carla Caring: Maybe we should sing the "Togetherness Song" for Jingleheimer Joe.

Fred Friendship: Yeah, let's do it! I'll go stand over there with the Gang!

Jingleheimer Joe: No. No, you won't! You'll stand right here.

[ music intro starts song ]

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] "You can't have togetherness, without four things:"

Carla Caring: "Caring."

Katie Kindness: "And Kindness."

Fred Friendship: "Friendship!"

Umberto Unity: "And Unity."

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing ] "Come see what joy these four can be."

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay, uh.. that's great. Now, we're gonna..

Carla Caring: Letter Call-out!

Fred Friendship: [ moving forward ] "F"!

Umberto Unity: [ moving forward ] "U"!

[ cut to "Please Stand By" graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]

[ cut back to Jingleheimer Gang, Katie Kindness moving forward ]

Jingleheimer Gang: "K"!

Jingleheimer Joe: Okay. Alright. I think that's enough. That's enough.

Katie Kindness: No, it's not. It's time for "Mish-Mash Mix-em-up.

Jingleheimer Gang: Yeah!

Carla Caring: Spread out, everyone, until someone says, "Freeze!"

[ the Jingleheimer Gang starts to spin around one another in different combinations - Fred Friendship around Umberto Unity, Carla Caring around Katie Kindness and other combinations, until "U-C-K" can be seen with Fred Friendship almost turned completely around. ]

Jingleheimer Joe: That's it! Stop it! [ rushes Fred Friendship ] No, no, no!!

[ cut to "Please Stand By" graphic, showing farmer trying to remove cow from train tracks ]

[ cut back to Jingleheimer Joe wrestling Fred Friendship to the ground ]

Jingleheimer Joe: I've had enough of you! Get out of here, Fred!

Fred Friendship: [ hurt] Ow! I just want to be with my friends!

Umberto Unity: We're supposed to be learning about friendship, Joe.

Jingleheimer Joe: Shut up, Umberto!

Fred Friendship: Whoa. I think somebody around here has completely missed our message of togetherness.

Katie Kindness: I think we'd better tell him what we're all about.

Fred Friendship: This song's about Togetherness.

Katie Kindness: [ starts singing ] "What we're spelling out for you-ou.. Is really, really good to do-oo. Caring and kindness are the perfect fit."

Umberto Unity: [ singing ] "You can do it anywhere! In a parking lot or on a chair!"

Carla Caring: [ singing ] "Inside and outsi-i-i-ide!"

Jingleheimer Gang: [ singing and gyrating ] "In and out, and in and out, and in and out, and in and out.." [ backs now turned ]

Katie Kindness: [ turns around singing, reveals "K" ] "Oh, yeah!"

Carla Caring: [ turns around singing, reveals "C" ] "Baby!"

Umberto Unity: [ turns around singing, reveals "U" ] "Baby!"

Jingleheimer Joe: [ once again rushes Fred Friendship before he can turn around ] Noooooo!!!

[ Jingleheimer Joe wrestles Fred Friendship to the ground one last time, as "Jingleheimer Junction" ends ]


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