Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1




98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

The Ladies Man

The Ladies' Man/Bill Clinton.....Tim Meadows
Julie/Monica Lewnsky.....Cameron Diaz

Leon Phelps: Yeah..! Right! What's up, and thank you very much! And what is hapnin'? Uh, welcome to "The Ladies Man", the loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I'm Leon Phelps, and how y'all doin' tonight? (Crowd cheers) Yeah? Well that's good! I'm doing fine, and I got my Courvosier right here! ...And I also got my Starr Report! Oh yeah! That's right. Now I have read this report, and I have to say this is really good. This is very, very good, you know. I especially like the parts on the obstruction of justice, the purgery charges, and also, the stuff about the BJ's. That was good! You know, I like this so much, that in fact, that tonight, I'd like to perform, theatrically perform, some of it for you. All right, so without furder ado, this is another episode of what I'd like to call, "The Ladies' Man Presents"!

[ "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" music pots up, as Leon steps behind a silhoette of himself holding a glass of Courvosier ]

Yeah, I like that! All right now, here in the Oval Office, for this demonstration, I will be playing President Bill Clinton. And, uh, you will know me as the Clinton because I will be wearing this wig. Right? Right. Now here to assist me, is a very talented performer, from our community theater group. She has appeared in "Our Town", in "Uncle Vonya", and her picture has appeared in numerous phone sex ads. So please welcome the lovely Julie. How about it?

Julie: Hi Leon!

Leon Phelps: Now Julie, you tell them what role you'll be playin' tonight.

Julie: Well Leon, I will be playin' Ms. Monica Lewinsky.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, that's right. Well now Julie is not as fat, and therefore as not as sweet as Monica, but I think you will agree she is no bus station skank!

Julie: Well thank you Leon, should we get started?

Leon Phelps: Well yes we shall! Oh, sh.. she is so propesion... profedsional. Oh, I'm so sor... Ok! Yes, yes, yes! But Julie, take your place and we will begin. Here is sexual encounter number 1, or what'd I like to call, "The Oral Office"! (He puts the wig on) Four score and seven years ago... Oh! (He bumps into Monica) Well hello there!

Julie: Hello, my name is Monica!

Leon Phelps: My name is President Bill Clinton!

Julie: Look, I'm wearing a thong...

Leon Phelps: Oh yeah, that is nice... Uh, I mean yes, that is very good!

Julie: We have quite a chemistry, don't we?

Leon Phelps: Yes we do! Can I kiss you? (they kiss) And freeze! Yeah! Now that was not bad! But I have to say, he asted to much time to get where he really wanted. And that is very sad, you see! Now check out how the Ladies' Man would handle the situation, ok? Julie, if you will?

Leon Phelps: Hello there, sexy!

Julie: Hello. My name is Monica Lewinsky.

Leon Phelps: Oh yeah..? Well let me get a couple of handfulls of that big butt!

Julie: Yeah, okay.

Leon Phelps: And freeze! Now you see, how little time I wasted before I grabbed her butt? See? I did not kiss her, I just went straight for the caboose, you see! Now let's move on to the time when the president will have a pizza delivered to him by Monica. Okay? That leads to sexual encounter number 2, or what I have named, "The Pres Gets Him a Slice"!

Leon Phelps: And by signing this, I will make this a law!

Julie: Mr. President?

Leon Phelps: Oh, Monica!

Julie: I brought you a pizza!

Leon Phelps: I hope it's a pizz'of ass!! *RING RING RING!* Hello there Senator Congressman! Yeah! How's it comming with you making that bill? Mmm-hmmm! (he points his finger down to his wang, expecting a BJ from Monica) Yeah! Uhh-huh! Yeah! Okay, that's it! That's right! Now we'll just have to make that a law! And freeze!! Now, I must say I have done many things while having my wang moutha-fied, you know. I have done so many things. I have mowed the lawn, I have pumped the gas, I've even cooked eggs! But I've never talked to a congressman! So, Mr. President, I salute you, for doing a job, while having a job done to you! Saaluute! (they salute) Thank you. But now comes the hard part. Like every good wang-to-mouth relationship, there comes a time to call it off. And as we know, the president has a very hard time ending his relationships. But there's a very, very smooth way this can get done which brings us to my 3rd vignette, which I call, "Yeah, That Was Nice, But I Think you Should Get Going". Julie, if you will? (She gives him a BJ)

Julie: (She gets up) You know, anyway, incase you were, um, going to change the educational system...

Leon Phelps: And freeze! So there you have it! Our president is quite a lover, but you have to say, he is no Ladies' Man, you know? I would like to thank my assistant Julie. Julie, tell us where you will be performing next?

Julie: Right now, I am in the production of Cole Porter's "Anything Goes"!

Leon Phelps: Well, I dont know about this Cole Porter dude, but I'm game to see it! Haha! And I'll see you later on on "The Ladies' Man"!


Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda


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