Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 1




98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi.....Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi.....Chris Kattan
Celeste.....Cameron Diaz
Georg Festrunk.....Dan Aykroyd
Yortuk Festrunk.....Steve Martin
.....Billy Corrigan
.....Smashing Pumpkins

[Open to outside of the Moomba Club]

[Cut to the indide of the Moomba Club, where Celeste and 2 other guys enter in]

Celeste: Hello, Smashing Pumpkins.

Billy: Celeste. Did you get my messages?

Celeste: Only all 12 of them...

Billy: You wanna dance?

Celeste: Hey, who are the new guys?

[Cut to the bar, where Steve and Doug are bopping their heads with wine bottles in their mouths, to "What is Love" by Haddaway]

Doug Butabi: Hey! You wanna dance? [He steps foward, does some dance moves, and then gets back to the bar] You do? You dont? You're deaf? No, you're not deaf at all! Okay, sorry about that.

Steve Butabi: [He steps foward] You wanna dance? No? You're a Mennonite and your elders forbid it? Okay. Cool. Right! [He steps back]

[Celeste has a cigarette in her mouth, and does a hand motion, asking the Guys for a lighter]

Doug Butabi: Me? Him? Me? Him?

Steve Butabi: Him? No? Me? Him? [He manages to get a lighter out of his poket, but Doug jumps in for it, and he throws it into the bar, and it lights on fire.]

[The barman gets a extinguisher and extinguishes the fire, and sprays water everywhere, even on Doug and Steve's suits, which leave some white marks]

Steve Butabi: We're good! We're fine, thanks alot! Thanks alot.

[Celeste walks in between them]

Steve Butabi: Hey! Hey! [They bounce her around with their chests]

Celeste: [enjoying] Oh! [She whispers to the guys after they stop]

Doug & Steve: SCORE! VEERRY NICE! [They high-five]

[Cut to a Cadallac driving on a busy street]

[Cut to the inside of the Cadillac, where Doug, Celeste, and Steve are bopping their heads]

[Cut to the outside of an apartment building]

[Cut to the interior of the building. They are in a room, in which the Celeste enters and lays on a bed. The Guys come dancing in]

["What is Love" stops. There is stereo and many CD's on top of a table, and the Guys scramble to find a CD to play. Doug finds a CD, and Steve puts it in. "What is Love" place once again]

[Celeste does a finger motion for the Guys to join her in the bed]

Doug Butabi: Who? Me? Him?

Steve Butabi: Him? Me? Him?

Doug & Steve: BOTH!? SCORE!

[They go in the bed, and cover themsleves with a blanket. The lights go off after some bouncing around, and the bouncing keeps on going on until...]

Steve Butabi: OH!

Doug: OH!

[...the Guys find out that Celeste snuck out of bed, while they are left, uh.. boning each other]

[Cut to the outside of The Moomba Club]

[Cut to the interior, where Celeste sees the Smashing Pumpkins again]

Billy: Hey, how about that dance?

Celeste: Oh please, Billy! Hey! Who are the new guys!?

[Crowd clears, revealing the Festrunk Bros. dancing]

Georg Festrunk: [Thick accent] HELLO! [checking her out] Hello, young super FOX!

Yortuk Festrunk: [Very thick accent] We enjoy your big American breasts! You must be impressed at our tight pants, that increase our buldges!

Gerog Festrunk: Would you like to go surfing with us to the porngography sites!?

[The Roxbury Bros. enter]

Doug Butabi: What's going on here!?

Steve Butabi: Why are you with her?

Yortuk Festrunk: Because we are....

Festrunk Bros.: Because, we are two WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

[They walk out with the girl]

Celeste: SCORE!


Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda


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