Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 1

98a: Cameron Diaz / Smashing Pumpkins

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

.....Colin Quinn
Dominican Lou.....Tracy Morgan

*NOTE: The very beginning of Colin Quinn's opening is not transcribed here. If you have the opening words of this script, please submit them.

[Fade up to Colin Quinn standing in front of a blue screen. Colin is standing on the left side of the screen. Video of President Bill Clinton's sex scandal testimony is on the right side. "Weekend Update" logos are scrolling down behind the Clinton footage.]

Colin Quinn: ...It's in the very pores of my skin. They've interviewed every DNA expert, every psychologist, every dry cleaner. We've heard how the Europeans are reacting, how the people of Arkansas feel, how Wall Street is being affected. You got media experts talking about other media experts, headlines about headlines, you can't say the word "cigar" without everybody laughing in your face.

You can't judge great men on their infidelities, you just can't! They all fooled around, and they all lied about it! The Founding Fathers: Thomas Jefferson slept with his slaves, John Hancock sounds like a porno star, George Washington died of syphilis--this is the man who, by the way, I - we were taught in school, never told a lie. I - I don't know too many people that died of the clap that didn't have a few fabrications pass between their lips, I'm sorry. I mean, he got the bill from Dr. Benjamin Franklin, "Oh no, Martha, these are wooden teeth, I think," you know?

Hey, how would you like your last sexual encounter in a book? It's embarrassing when people see some of your behavior you never thought would be brought to light. Like Tom Hanks when "Bosom Buddies" comes on. All right?

We're being devoured by this story, folks. This story owns us! This story will eventually destroy us! We will all be left like Monica herself: on our knees, asking Betty Currie for a glass of water and a Tic Tac.

[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin: Aah! I'm Colin Quinn! Thank you. All right! Thank you. Let's take a look at some of his testimony:

[cut to video from Clinton's testimony]

Bill Clinton: ...depends upon what the meaning of the word "is" is....If the - if he-- If "is" means "is, and never has been," that is not...that's one thing. If it means "there is none"...that was a completely true statement.

[cut to Colin]

Colin: Yeah. The Leader of the Free World, a Rhodes Scholar, but the minute he's under questioning, he turns into Vinny Barbarino. Huh? [imitating Vinny Barbarino] "What - where is...what is...what...Mr. Kotter?"

[cut to Clinton video]

Judge: The grand jury would like to know, Mr. President, why it is that you think oral sex performed on you does not fall within the definition of "sexual relations," as used in your deposition.

President Clinton: Because...that is...if the deponent is the person who has oral sex performed on him, then the contact is with...not with anything on that list, but with the lips of another person.

[cut to Colin]

Colin: You gotta give it to him, he's got brass ones...."Honey, I wasn't with an intern, I was with a deponent!"

[cut to Clinton video]

Bill: She's basically a good girl. She's a good young woman with a good heart and a good mind...

[cut to Colin]

Colin: See, he's trying to be nice. That's what guys always say about the fat girl. Come on! Am I lying? All right.

This week, the new Miss America, 24-year-old Nicole Johnson, stated publicly, "The President should resign." Thank you, Nicole! I'm sure everyone can't wait to hear the rest of your opinions at the next boat show!...Nap? [one woman cheers]

The popular '70s band KISS is planning to reunite for a concert at Dodger Stadium. They will be giving away the KISSmobile, a car equipped with KISS floormats, embroidered seat inserts, and KISS hubcaps. This car is going to be worth a lot of money 20 years ago.

Chinese computer hackers have broken into the military's computer system and shut down a satellite. Such an act could only be the work of a mathematical genius. Chinese authorities investigating the case have narrowed it down to 600 million suspects.

Billy Crystal's My Giant was released on video for the first time this week at a price of a hundred dollars. Though the cost may seem high, the money will go to reimburse people who paid to see it in the theater.

[photo of the new $20 bill] Starting this week, the Federal Reserve will release a re-designed version of the 20-dollar bill. The new bill will have new security features such as a visible watermark, security thread, and color-shifting ink, which will make it impossible to counterfeit....I don't know, our graphics department [jerks his thumb at the photo] didn't seem to have much trouble.

Scientists have discovered a new site where the coelacanth fish lives, a species that was thought to have been extinct for 90 million years. Scientists say this fish could provide valuable information on evolution, and that it is best prepared broiled with butter and garlic.

Joan Kroc, the widow of Ray Kroc, the founder of McDonald's, donated 80 million dollars to the Salvation Army. So now, if they ask you for any money this Christmas, tell 'em to go to Hell....[mercy applause and cheers] That's okay, folks. [chuckles]

And now, here with analysis of the home run chase is the building super at 1901 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our very own Dominican Lou!

[pan over to Dominican Lou, who is wearing a Chicago Cubs jersey and has a baseball in his hand]

Dominican Lou: Gracias. Gracias! Sammy! Sammy Sosa! Okay! Sammy Sosa, who is Dominican like me, is hitting the home runs a lot, and I am so proud o' he! I'm proud o' he! The Dominican people love he, they love he for what he do, I love he, I so proud o' he! I'm proud of he--the pride of the greatest sport of all time, the baseball!

Colin: I understand you have something special for us, Lou.

Dominican Lou: Well, Colin, you remember the game where Sosa hit the 62 run? He break-a the record? Well...look at this! [holds up the ball]

Colin: Wow!

Dominican Lou: I have the ball from that game! I come onto you show to sell it for one million dollars!

Colin: That's amazing! You caught Sosa's 62nd home run?

Dominican Lou: No. It is not Sosa's ball. But in the game, you remember? In the third inning? Gary Gaetti, he hit the foul ball into the stands? I caught that ball! I sell it for one million dollars!

Colin: Lou, you can't sell Gary Gaetti's ball. Nobody wants Gary Gaetti's ball!

Dominican Lou: I sell you the ball, Colin. One million dollars. Come on, bro! You got the money, you on TV. One million dollars, bro.

Colin: Lou--

Dominican Lou: Come on!

Colin: I don't want the ball, Lou.

Dominican Lou: Look, it's a nice ball. It's autographed. [holds out the ball]

Colin: [takes the ball and examines it] Hey, this says "Dominican Lou."

Dominican Lou: I sign it! You buy it for one million dollars!

Colin: Lou, I'm not gonna buy Gary Gaetti's ball!

Dominican Lou: Okay, okay. Can I say one more thing about the Sosa?

Colin: Okay, go ahead.

Dominican Lou: Colin Quinn, you are a cheap bastard!

Colin: Dominican Lou, everybody! [puts the ball on the desk]

Dominican Lou: You too cheap for that ball! [picks the ball back up]

Colin: I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

[Colin and Dominican Lou talk more about the ball]

[fade to black]

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