Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 2

This free script provided by

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 2nd, 1998

Kelsey Grammer

Sheryl Crow

Shaquille O'Neal

Dennis McNicholas

Hal Linden

Christine Baranski

Patti Lupone

Bedtime at the White House
Summary: In the days following the release of the Starr Report, a fuming Hillary Clinton (Ana Gasteyer) ignores Bill (Darrell Hammond) in the bedroom.

Recurring Characters: President Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton.



Kelsey Grammer's Monologue
Summary: Kelsey Grammer sings rejected versions of the "Frasier" theme song.

Also Hosted: 93q.

KCF Shredders
Summary: A teenager (Jimmy Fallon) touts the hip lettuce snacker for his generation.


Delicious Dish
Summary: Wilderness fanatic Graham Stansler (Kelsey Grammer) relates his story of nature and cannibalism.

Recurring Characters: Margaret Jo McCullen, Teri Rialto.


Terry Ferguson For Senate I
Summary: Candidate Terry Ferguson (Will Ferrell) will avoid sex scandals, because he's lost his genitals in a fire.


Summary: When he comes home too late, tall Bernard (Shaquille O'Neal) gets a whipping from his short yet aggressive Dad (Tracy Morgan).


Terry Ferguson For Senate II
Summary: Candidate Terry Ferguson (Will Ferrell) is no Washington insider, but he has lost his genitals in a fire.


Private Eye
Summary: A film noir private eye (Kelsey Grammer) is obsessed with thoughts of burritos.


Hose 'em Down!
Summary: The new director (Kelsey Gramer) of "Baywatch" elicits emotions from actresses before spraying them with hoses.

The Best of Horatio Sanz
Summary: Compilation tape for one of SNL's newest performers includes moments from his first two episodes, plus Dan Aykroyd sketches as filler.

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Summary: Tropical Storm Georges (Kelsey Grammer) relates his disgust with the National Weather Service.


Sheryl Crow performs "My Favorite Mistake"
Also Performed: 96b.

Mr. Peepers
Summary: Socialogist (Kelsey Grammer) proves that Mr. Peepers (Chris Kattan) really is an animal.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Peepers.

Summary: In a cartoon by Tony Millionaire, surgery allows a sliced rat to become a ship's mermaid.

Morning Latte
Summary: Cass van Rye (Cheri Oteri) and Tom Wilkins (Will Ferrell) interview Shaquille O'Neal while inappropriately bringing up the new producer's (Chris Kattan) recent sexual harrassment lawsuit.

Recurring Characters: Tom Wilkins, Cass van Rye.

Hello Dolly
Summary: The extreme cuteness of the dolls spawn the inner psyches of Deanna Nolen-Gray (Ana Gasteyer) and her co-host Don Simkin (Kelsey Grammer).

Recurring Characters: Deanna Nolen-Gray.

ESPN2 Lumberjack Classic
Summary: A lumberjack (Will Ferrell) thanks Jesus Christ for helping him win the competition while snubbing his competitors.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Shaq's Lullaby
Summary: Shaquille O'Neal comforts Will Ferrell after other cast members and Lorne Michaels tease him.

Note: This sketch appears as a bonus feature on the Best of Will Ferrell DVD.


SNL Transcripts