Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 2




98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow

Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullen.....Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto.....Molly Shannon
Graham Stansler.....Kelsey Grammer

[ open on Margaret Jo McCUllen and Teri Rialto broadcasting their show in the great outdoors ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: I'm Margaret Jo McCullen.

Teri Rialto: And I'm Teri Rialto.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And you're listening to..

Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, Teri, Autumn is here, and, as you know, that can mean only one thing for us: leaf -

Teri Rialto: Thoughts of a Christmas suicide.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Actually, Teri, I think you meant leaf-watching.

Teri Rialto: Oh, I'm sorry. That's what I meant. [ slight giggle ] I love Fall. And that's why we're broadcasting today from the Cataranga State Park in the Shenandoah Valley.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Teri and I thought we'd share some of the splendor of Fall's color explosion with you today.

[ an animal can be heard howling off screen ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oooh, what was that? It's beautiful.

Teri Rialto: Ah. It's neat. It's like a crazy kaleidoscope out here.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know. I feel like I'm on acid!

Teri Rialto: I feel like I'm tripping my ass off.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow. It's neat.

Teri Rialto: Really neat.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It's fun. It's a lot like taking acid.

Teri Rialto: It's trippy.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It's good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Teri, we're sharing our weekend excursion with a special guest.

Teri Rialto: Yes. He is an expert on finding food in the wild, and he's going to share some secrets with us on snacking au natural.

Margaret Jo McCullen: But don't worry, he's still got his clothes on!

Teri Rialto: [ laughs ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Anyway. Please welcome author and naturalist, Graham Stansler. Hi, Graham.

Teri Rialto: Hi, Graham. Thank you for being here.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Graham.

Graham Stansler: Thanks. Hi.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi. I like your beard.

Graham Stansler: But.. I don't have a -

Margaret Jo McCullen: [ whispering ] It's radio. They can't see you!

Teri Rialto: [ whispering ] That's a good one, a very good one!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Graham, I understand you, and your beard, have spent a lot of time roughing it in the wild. What sorts of things do you like to eat here in the great outdoors?

Graham Stansler: Well, Margaret Jo, any nature walk begins with one essential staple. I'm talking, of course, about GORP.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oooohh.. GORP! Sounds sexy. Ecstatic.

Graham Stansler: Ah-ha. It is. It is. GORP is an acronym for granola, oatmeal, raisins and peanuts. But for me, it just stands for delicious.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooohh.. Actually, Teri and I have some allergies, so we have to eat it without the granola or oatmeal. We call it RP!

Teri Rialto: Mmm.. I love RP.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It's good, isn't it?

Teri Rialto: I could sure go for some RP right now.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Mmm-hmm.

Graham Stansler: RP? Ha ha ha!

Margaret Jo McCullen: It's delicious.

Graham Stansler: Sounds good! RP! Wow, that's great!

Margaret Jo McCullen: It is good.

Teri Rialto: It's very good.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It's neat.

Teri Rialto: It's good times.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times.

Graham Stansler: Oh, it is good times! Of course, if you find yourself on a fairly long nature walk, the GORP soon runs out. And then it's your challenge to find savory sustenance in the wild.

Teri Rialto: Hmm..

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, what sort of things could we eat right here around us, Graham?

Graham Stansler: Oh. Well. Here, below the tree line, there are lots and lots of exciting things to eat. Bark, moss, even grubs.

Margaret Jo McCullen: What about berries, Graham?

Graham Stansler: Oh, it's my understanding that some berries are poisonous, and that's why I avoid them - even the ones in the grocery store.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Oh.

Teri Rialto: Yeah, me too.

Graham Stansler: Now, if you work your way a little higher on the mountain, pickings get a little slimmer. Maybe some likens, some wet soil. But soon, that's gone, too, and to make matters worse, you realize you're lost, and you're starting to suffer from severe hypothermia.

Teri Rialto: Wow. Hypothermia.

Graham Stansler: [ starting to unravel ] Then you think you see a bridge off in the distance, leading to a Kentucky Fried Chicken that floats in the clouds. And your hiking partners have to restrain you. And then night sets in, and you're huddling in a snow cave drinking your own urine!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, I bet that tastes terrible.

Teri Rialto: It actually doesn't.

Graham Stansler: After a couple of days, you're dehydrated! You've eaten your boot leather, and you're going blnid from hunger! That's when you get desperate! You have to find something to eat! So, you and your buddies draw straws to see which one of you guys isn't coming down the mountain!

Margaret Jo McCullen: [ unsettled ] Well.. how about we.. maybe talk a little -

Graham Stansler: Then, in perhaps your lowest moment, you cheat to make sure it's not going to be you. And it turns out to be.. Carl! The godfather of your children! [ sighs heavily ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Maybe we should talk some more about GORP..

Graham Stansler: You know, it's really amazing how.. how easy it is.. how easy it is to turn your back on God! How easy it is to steal a little extra Carl while the others aren't looking! And then a chopper comes and rescues everyone! [ saullen ] But for the rest of your life, everything you eat.. tastes a little like Carl. Gamey, a little stringy. [ sighs ]

Teri Rialto: Okay.. well, thank you very much for coming, Graham.

Graham Stansler: Oh, sure. And thanks for having me, ladies. Remember: GORP stands for granola, oatmeal.. shoe leather, urine.. and Carl!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Okay, anyway, join us next week on The Delicious Dish, when we'll be back in the studio working through this experience.

Teri Rialto: That'll be fun.

[ fade ]


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