Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 2




98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow

Shaq's Lullaby

.....Will Ferrell
.....Lorne Michaels
.....Kelsey Grammer
.....Tim Meadows
.....Cheri Oteri
.....Tim Meadows
.....Shaquille O’Neal

FADE IN:

INT. STUDIO 8H – NIGHT

A STAGEHAND dresses WILL FERRELL in pajamas as quick as she can.

Will Ferrell: I don’t want to miss my cue.

LORNE MICHAELS enters.

Lorne Michaels: Will you hurry up, Ferrell!? You’ve been screwing up all night. Will you stop thinking about your movie and get into the game?

KELSEY GRAMMER enters.

Kelsey Grammer: I’m sick of you messing up, man!

Kelsey shoves Will.

Kelsey Grammer: I’m really sick of it! For God sakes -– I’m a professional. My show just won five Emmys.

Will Ferrell: C’mon, guys -– quit it.

CHERI OTERI & TIM MEADOWS come on scene.

Cheri Oteri: Hey, Will, you busy being a jackass?

Cheri shoves Will.

Tim Meadows: Yeah. Are you?

Tim shoves Will.

Kelsey Grammer: Looks like it to me. Will’s a jackass!

Kelsey boots Will in the ass. Cheri & Tim shove Will some more.

Will Ferrell: Hey! You guys are jerks!

Kelsey Grammer: C’mon, man!

Lorne moves closer to Will.

Lorne Michaels: What did you say? You best not be stepping up, bro!

Tim Meadows: Hey! Kick his ass, Lorne!

Cheri Oteri: Yeah! Do it!

Kelsey Grammer: Yeah! You little baby! Do it!

Kelsey boots Will again.

Kelsey Grammer: Look at him!

Will Ferrell: C’mon!

Everyone begins to taunt Will.

O/S Voice: Hey! Hey! Leave him alone!

SHAQUILLE O’NEAL comes in from behind. Dead silence.

Tim Meadows: Shaquille O’Neal.

Lorne Michaels: Wow.

Shaquille O'Neal: No one hurts Will Ferrell while I’m around.

Shaq grabs Will’s hand and they trail off.

Shaquille O'Neal: Back off!

Everyone stands in silence, mouths open.

Will Ferrell: Thanks Shaq. Shaq, why do they always pick on me?

Shaquille O'Neal: I don’t know, man.

Both men whisk past playback monitors and members of the audience and stop at a green-screen set, superimposed with a clear, blue sky. Shaq lifts Will and cradles him in his arms.

Shaquille O'Neal: [singing]
“No one’s going to hurt my little man,
As long as I’m around.
I do all I can!
To make people understand,
That he is special.”

Shaquille O'Neal: You are special, Will.

Shaq puts Will down. Will throws his arms around Shaq.

Will Ferrell: [singing]
“If anything is safe and warm,
When I’m in Shaq’s arms. I’ll never be harmed
And I’ll always be charmed,
By my large friend.”

Shaq sways his body, arms, and snaps at the same time. Will jumps up and down, smiling bright and wide.

Shaquille O'Neal: [singing]
“When trouble comes,
To carry you away.
All you got to do,
Is say everything’s okay.
For who, you’ll be my reward Will.”

Shaq picks up and cradles Will.

Shaquille O'Neal: [singing]
“That’ll be my reward, Will.”

Will Ferrell: [singing]
“And when I’m in Shaq’s arms,
I know that I’m his little man.
And the earth can be a promised land.”

Shaquille O'Neal: [singing]
“Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!”

Will Ferrell: [singing]
“We’ll travel the globe!”

Shaquille O'Neal: [singing]
“Travel the globe!”

Will Ferrell: [singing]
“And sing our song of joy!”

Shaquille O'Neal: [singing]
“Woo, woo, woo!”

Will Ferrell: [singing]
“Every hateful soldier!”

Shaquille O'Neal: [singing]
“Woo, woo, woo!”

Will Ferrell: [singing]
“Will have the smile of a little boy!”

Shaquille O'Neal: [singing]
“Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo!
No one’s going to hurt my little man.”

Shaq sweeps his hand through Will hair. Will lays himself deeper into Shaq’s chest.

Shaquille O'Neal: [singing]
“As long as I’m a-rou-rou-rou-rou-rou-rou-”

Will Ferrell: Shaq…

Shaquille O'Neal: Oh. Sorry.

Will Ferrell: [singing]
“So long as my head’s on Shaq’s shoulders,
I know I’ll nev – er”

Will yawns. Shaq holds Will closer.

Will Ferrell: [singing]
“Frown.”

Will falls asleep in Shaq’s arms. Shaq shushes the audience from their laughter.

Shaquille O'Neal: He’s asleep. Just like a little angel.

Shaq rocks Will back and forth.

END


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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