Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 2



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98b: Kelsey Grammer / Sheryl Crow

Terry Ferguson For Senate II

Terry Ferguson.....Will Ferrell

[ open on Terry Ferguson standing in front of an office building ]

Terry Ferguson: I'm Terry Ferguson, abnd I love America! [ holds up his thumb ]

[ cut to American flag with "Terry Ferguson for Senate" ]

Announcer: Terry Ferguson loves America.

[ cut to Terry Ferguson looking confused as a Chinese cook talks. Terry smiles sheepishly. ]

Announcer: Terry Ferguson believes in the power of good times!

[ cut to Terry Ferguson running up to a woman on the street, shaking her hand hesitantly, then steps aside with a confused look on his face ]

Announcer: Terry Ferguson is not a Washington insider like his opponent, Gary Simmons. Let's look at the facts:

[ cut to picture of Gary Simmons with "Washington Insider" atop a pair of boxes marked "Yes" and "No." ]

Announcer: Washington insider for over twelve years?

[ "Yes" box is checked ]

[ picture now reads "Interns" atop a pair of boxes marked "Yes" and "No." ]

Announcer: Interns working under him?

[ "Yes" box is checked ]

[ picture now reads "Genitals" atop a pair of boxes marked "Yes" and "No." ]

Announcer: Has genitals?

[ "Yes" box is checked ]

[ cut to Terry Ferguson standing in front of a fountain ]

Terry Ferguson: Twenty-three years ago, I lost my genitals in a fire. and since that time, I haven't had sex with anyone. In fact, the mere thought of sex gives me phantom pains where my privates used to be. Now, look here - the American school systems rank tenth in the nation. That's not good. Is it? Let's try to change that. Vote for me.

[ cut to ad card ]

Announcer: Ferguson for Senate. The thought of sex gives him phantom pains in his genitals!

Terry Ferguson V/O: Paid for by Democrats for Ferguson!

[ fade ]


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